America's Next Top Model Cycle 12 Recap: The Taxman Only Knocks Once

Alright, I have sat here for like fifteen minutes trying to figure out a way to write about ANTM as related to Tax Day. But I'll be honest. I totally forgot about April 15th, until my Twitter was overtwitten with the mention of Teabaggers. So thank you Teabaggers. Because of you, I paid my socialist dues on time.



The Urban Dictionary defines Teabagger for you, several times. The most comprehensive is this:

teabagger
multiple meanings. 1) one who carries large bags of packaged tea for shipment. 2) a man that squats on top of a womens face and lowers his genitals into her mouth during sex, known as "teabagging" 3) one who has a job or talent that is low in social status 4) a person who is unaware that they have said or done something foolish, childlike, noobish, lame, or inconvenient. 5) also see "fagbag", "lamer", "noob"

I do look askance at "fagbag", I'm not entirely sure what that means.

Now that that's clear, let's talk Model.

Allison starts the episode by lamenting her lack of distortion, much like Glenn Beck should be lamenting his inability to use the word patriot without crying, or his inability to do a wheelie. Celia recommends she think about sex. And we're off. Or Celia is anyway.

I think the subtle differences in this cycle of ANTM are important to note, because of what they denote for the future. 1. All those billboards of Tyra are crazy retouched. Like, uncomfortably so. 2. All the pictures in the opening credits are of Tyra acting like she's a photographer, instead of the contestants. 3. Tyra delivers her mail in a locked silver box. Every time they open it, I keep hoping it's going to be a severed hand or something.

London turns out to be actually crazy, like crazy enough to use Teabagger as the name for your totally spontaneous organic fungi-like grassroots organization sponsored by Fox News. Yes, that's right, I called her crazy for believing in god. Cause let me tell you, if you tell me god is the reason you're on ANTM, wearing shorts and selling headbands, I think you should probably not be allowed to have children. I think you belong on a street corner.

Jay Manuel gets all #3 bitter, like "yo motherfuckers APPRECIATE me" and makes the girls be Creative Directors for a day. Natalie promptly makes a black girl look like a hooker.

Allison proves to everyone she should probably have a job that requires a bit more brain power. Teyonna proves she has probably just enough.

London makes Allison look like London, hoping Jay will mistake her for the real thing and pull Allison aside instead to tell her she's too fat to be a model.

Aminat gets all #4. See above.

Then the girls go to bed, and when they wake up, Jay Manuel is still getting bitter and showing up at their house at 5:30am with coffee only for himself. Ciara gets released from her special cave inside Jay Z's headquarters, and Pho (she of the Clay=genius fame) is once again all "She's an icon!" leading me to wonder if Pho has 2 dads. Oh, the girls are going to pose with Ciara, a singer, but wait they're going to pose for a photograph. Where no one can hear her when she opens her mouth. Smart boy, Jay.

One by one the models are fed to Ciara intravenously. One by one they assimilated. I'm sorry, am I not being clear? London looks like a Borg.

During a commercial break we learn that ex-ANTM girl Bree is now a spokesperson for something called Drop Dead Gorgeous, also known as "The worst name for an anti-child sex trafficking organization ever."

Finally it's panel. Miss Jay teabags Pauline. Tyra teabags Nigel. London complains that God is testing her, and then it's announced they're all being sold into slavery in Brazil, except for London who is pregnant by immaculate conception.

And then God, in celebration, made it rain on all the strange people covered in teabags, and NRA meetings smelled like Earl Grey for the next month.