A Comprehensive List of Every Sext I've Sent This Year - by Request

Sext: SPIDERS OH MY GOD SPIDERS EVERYWHERE AND VANILLA ICE AND OMG WTF

Sext: if I'm already covered in sweat, what the fuck am I going to do next?

sext: lets eat nothing but toothpaste for the next year and see what happens

sext: give me back my lighter, it's the fifth one I've bought this week.

Sext: Do not touch the penguin. You can not interfere with the penguin's path, even though it leads to certain death.

Sext: so much coffee. So much smoke. Let's read Watership Down aloud to each other. Or the BFG.

sext: please draw a giant scar on me. In blue permanent marker. Make it point towards Proteus.

Sext: martinis, pencils, ideas

Sext: My mom told me if you fuck comics, you go to the hell where it's nothing but Seinfeld repeats, only it's actually Friends.

That is NOT my spider #sext

Ow. Unintentional somersault.

sext: "omg what was that? It just went under the couch!omg its huge! kill it! omg kill it! wtf I dont know, just KILL IT"

sext: that scurrying scratching creeping thing hiding under the couch is actually your d...

sext: a hand made of ants

Sext: instead of making out, lets just watch Supernatural and make fun of ghosts, who WISH they could make out.

sext: there will never be another yoko. we will kill them all.

Sext: I smear myself with cocoa butter. Which will attract mosquitoes, so I can't go outside, I am trapped in this cold house...plotting

Sext: there is a drink called a Mongolian Motherfucker. It has SoCo in it, cause fuck Mongolians.

Sext: someone in my close vicinity used the term Harvey Wallbanger tonight

Sext: I put an ad on craigslist, you come over and blow these clouds away so I can see the perseids- I gratitude-nerd fuck you

Sext: One of my goals this weekend is to steal a baby coyote.

Sext: "I'm like a unicorn when it comes to blowjobs" 

Sext: I'll be Congress. You be taxes.

Sext: When he calls me a wiggler, it makes me feel like a fish. Which would make his tongue a hook? I hate this metaphor.

Sext: you are barefoot in an empty house and the floors are coated with pretzel dust and steel marbles.

sext: I remember everything about last night.

Sext: pretzel breath

Sext: here are two keys to my heart - one is made of glycerin and the other is edible ink.

Sext: Let's just listen to Battles for the rest of the day while it rains.

Sext: my mouth tastes like wasabi, soy, and prosecco.

Sext: a bat flew into my hair. I need you to kiss it off of me

Sext: Let's fall asleep in front of a fan, even though it's cold.

Sext: All I want to do is rant about tv and menswear, so just shut me the fuck up.

Sext: I don't believe in children. They are an urban legend.

Sext: Dragons!

Sext: You are covered in mud and you are not allowed in my bed until it rains again.

Sext: this is my last cigarette.

Sext: you think my nail polish is just glitter, but actually there's blood and poison and bone in there too.

Sext: 17 dollars and a blowjob if you can list the entire Party of 5 cast, supporting actors included, without looking at the internet.

Sext: I kiss you and a million little robots made of glass water drops swarm into your bloodstream. You start reciting Joyce.

Sext: There is a large fake crow next to my bed, and when I scream it comes alive and attacks you.

Sext: ADAM YAUCH HOLOGRAM

Sext: today I am aware of the isolated individuality of my own brain computer, and the creepy double meaning of networking.

Sext: car chase down an LA viaduct. Soundtrack C'mon Eileen. Yellow dress red shoes

Sext: there are bears. Everywhere.

Sext: I forgot it was April because you told me to.

Sext: I'm the know it all bitch on the commercial for allergy medication. You're in an erectile dysfunction tub. I almost drown.

Sext: I think there is a spider on your shoulder.

Sext: I have Nicholas Sparks tied up outside in the garage. Ryan, Channing, Zach and I are getting drunk on mojitos and watching Louie.

Sext: there are eleven shades of blue under the skin of your wrist.

Sext: I cover you in small tree frogs and leave you out in the rain, to keep them happy. I prop an umbrella over your face, cause you're hot

Sext: we wake up early early before work, and watch #Community on the dvr while eating mini croissants & string cheese in our pajama pants

Sext: the pilot episode of Futurama is on, so no one talks.

Sext: we exchange sexually charged small talk about hockey and comics, cause actually I know nothing about either.

Sext: I feel like being Holla'ed at.