Friday, September 7, 2012

A Comprehensive List of Every Sext I've Sent This Year - by Request


Sext: if I'm already covered in sweat, what the fuck am I going to do next?

sext: lets eat nothing but toothpaste for the next year and see what happens

sext: give me back my lighter, it's the fifth one I've bought this week.

Sext: Do not touch the penguin. You can not interfere with the penguin's path, even though it leads to certain death.

Sext: so much coffee. So much smoke. Let's read Watership Down aloud to each other. Or the BFG.

sext: please draw a giant scar on me. In blue permanent marker. Make it point towards Proteus.

Sext: martinis, pencils, ideas

Sext: My mom told me if you fuck comics, you go to the hell where it's nothing but Seinfeld repeats, only it's actually Friends.

That is NOT my spider 

Ow. Unintentional somersault.

sext: "omg what was that? It just went under the couch!omg its huge! kill it! omg kill it! wtf I dont know, just KILL IT"

sext: that scurrying scratching creeping thing hiding under the couch is actually your d...

sext: a hand made of ants

Sext: instead of making out, lets just watch Supernatural and make fun of ghosts, who WISH they could make out.

sext: there will never be another yoko. we will kill them all.

Sext: I smear myself with cocoa butter. Which will attract mosquitoes, so I can't go outside, I am trapped in this cold house...plotting

Sext: there is a drink called a Mongolian Motherfucker. It has SoCo in it, cause fuck Mongolians.

Sext: someone in my close vicinity used the term Harvey Wallbanger tonight

Sext: I put an ad on craigslist, you come over and blow these clouds away so I can see the perseids- I gratitude-nerd fuck you

Sext: One of my goals this weekend is to steal a baby coyote.

Sext: "I'm like a unicorn when it comes to blowjobs" 

Sext: I'll be Congress. You be taxes.

Sext: When he calls me a wiggler, it makes me feel like a fish. Which would make his tongue a hook? I hate this metaphor.

Sext: you are barefoot in an empty house and the floors are coated with pretzel dust and steel marbles.

sext: I remember everything about last night.

Sext: pretzel breath

Sext: here are two keys to my heart - one is made of glycerin and the other is edible ink.

Sext: Let's just listen to Battles for the rest of the day while it rains.

Sext: my mouth tastes like wasabi, soy, and prosecco.

Sext: a bat flew into my hair. I need you to kiss it off of me

Sext: Let's fall asleep in front of a fan, even though it's cold.

Sext: All I want to do is rant about tv and menswear, so just shut me the fuck up.

Sext: I don't believe in children. They are an urban legend.

Sext: Dragons!

Sext: You are covered in mud and you are not allowed in my bed until it rains again.

Sext: this is my last cigarette.

Sext: you think my nail polish is just glitter, but actually there's blood and poison and bone in there too.

Sext: 17 dollars and a blowjob if you can list the entire Party of 5 cast, supporting actors included, without looking at the internet.

Sext: I kiss you and a million little robots made of glass water drops swarm into your bloodstream. You start reciting Joyce.

Sext: There is a large fake crow next to my bed, and when I scream it comes alive and attacks you.


Sext: today I am aware of the isolated individuality of my own brain computer, and the creepy double meaning of networking.

Sext: car chase down an LA viaduct. Soundtrack C'mon Eileen. Yellow dress red shoes

Sext: there are bears. Everywhere.

Sext: I forgot it was April because you told me to.

Sext: I'm the know it all bitch on the commercial for allergy medication. You're in an erectile dysfunction tub. I almost drown.

Sext: I think there is a spider on your shoulder.

Sext: I have Nicholas Sparks tied up outside in the garage. Ryan, Channing, Zach and I are getting drunk on mojitos and watching Louie.

Sext: there are eleven shades of blue under the skin of your wrist.

Sext: I cover you in small tree frogs and leave you out in the rain, to keep them happy. I prop an umbrella over your face, cause you're hot

Sext: we wake up early early before work, and watch  on the dvr while eating mini croissants & string cheese in our pajama pants

Sext: the pilot episode of Futurama is on, so no one talks.

Sext: we exchange sexually charged small talk about hockey and comics, cause actually I know nothing about either.

Sext: I feel like being Holla'ed at.


  1. It is interesting for me to read out your details of the whole year I think...the way the detail is included is the most vital part of this post..


Who wants to fuck the Editors?