Friday, January 27, 2012

In Which I Tell You What Is Wrong With that Missed Connection You Posted on Craigslist

  parma mcdonalds - m4w - 43 (pearl rd) blonde girl with two younger girls...we connected eyes when u walked in...i was with my young daughter. not bold enough to have walked up and introduce myself... 

No one should ever hit on anyone in a McDonalds ever. Aside from the fact that you were both bringing small children in there, which you should never do because its kinda the moral equivalent of taking them to a bar and feeding them Schnapps, ASIDE from that, there is absolutely nothing sexy about a McDonalds. Groceries stores - okay sure, there's this whole pursuit thing, a meandering eye contact thing. But nobody makes eye contact at McDonalds unless they are a serial killer. The shame of being there should push any self confidence you have in your own sexy time abilities out in the street to be run over repeatedly by people you know driving by and seeing your car in the McDonalds parking lot. The shame is so overwhelming, I actually blushed the last time I went through the drive-thru to get a sausage biscuit. Which was yesterday. Because I had to wake up early to go to the office and I was starving and also I was mad I had to drive anywhere. See, McDonalds is like smoking or drinking, it's a vice. But no one is ever going to look down the counter at you and think "I really respect that he ordered a 10 piece instead of a 20 piece and it makes me want to fuck him."

  Monsters Game "Waitress" Thursday Night - m4w - 26 (The Q) You were the beverage girl and were amazingly beautiful. I think you caught me looking at you and I gave a smile as you turned away. Hope you see this and what section were we in so I know if's not a fake. 

The first part of this is fine. You identify where, when, and you compliment her. Fine. The problem starts in that second line there "I gave a smile as you turned away". No mention of holding eye contact, her smiling back. As far as we can tell, basically what happened is this girl didn't notice you at all. But then you set the expectation that this girl who works at this huge sports Arena, and probably served "beverages" to at least 2,000 drunk leering men, she is supposed to remember what section you were in. Or who you were. I sort of get it, you're assuming it's the only section she worked, so you'll know it's her, and not one of the other hot 23 yr old bartenders working there. Cause lord forbid one of those OTHER girls contacts you.

Parking Garage - m4w - 25 (Downtown ) I saw you in the parking garage. You had blonde hair, and looked like you wrote something in the back windshield from all the steam that was inside the car. You were parked on the 7th floor and just had this look in your eye like you wanted it. I should have made my move then, but I wanted to wait for Thursday. I hope you find me

....before I find you. I find this one horrible and creepy and wonder if possibly I should call the police to prevent a rape? No, I'm serious.

 Just don't ever write anything like this ever.

  Young sample woman Heinens Lander Circle - m4w - 53 (Pepper Pike) You gave me a sample of a special kind of orange at Heinen's this you remember me? 

You are 53 years old. I would have thought that would be enough times to grow some balls. But I'm guessing you weren't at liberty to speak to Young Sample Woman at the time, because you were with your wife, or daughter who was actually older than YSW, or girlfriend that you cheated on your second wife with. My out of town readers are not going to be able to properly conjure up the right image from the word combinations of Heinens and Pepper Pike, but have you ever had to deal with a small to mid sized business owner who an ex-salesman and owns 2 Audis and a Tahoe? Remember how he was the most ego driven paranoid insecure blowhard prick you ever met? That's who I picture this guy to be.

 What the hell is a "special" kind of orange? Valencia? Clementine? Tangerine? I thought we had most of the orange categories set.

  Marc's Kamms Corner - m4w - 38 (Cleveland) Hope you read these! You were in Marc's at Kamms corner today and we kept running into each other in every aisle. You were in pink pants and had a gentleman with you(I think maybe your dad). We exchanged smiles and eye contact, and even a few words, including talking of alcohol I thought you were really cute and should have asked you for your number, but wasn't sure if the guy with you was WITH you. If you see this and are interested, send me an email and tell me what I was wearing. 

A bunny suit? I don't know how else you would expect some random girl in a low budget grocery store to remember what you were wearing. Don't guys realize that most of their clothes look exactly the same? This is coincidentally the same grocery store I use, so believe me when I tell you that finding yourself talking about alcohol abuse with a complete stranger is not that far fetched.

I wonder if she were to write back, and it said "hey, I don't remember what you were wearing exactly, but you seemed nice. Let's talk!", he would reply "nope sorry, that can't be you. The girl I met would remember my shirt."

  Stephanie - Ride Home Early Rainy May Morning - m4w - 29 (Middleburg Heights - Holland Road) Looking for Stephanie, the girl I gave a ride home back at the end of May. It was late night / early morning and she was walking home during one of those few major downpours we had. You kept worrying about getting my car wet. Don't worry it dried out just fine. You were tall, slim and athletic with long slightly curly or wavy brunette hair. You were wearing red Ohio State shorts or possibly cut off sweat pants and black high heel sandals. Your legs looked amazing and you had a beautiful smile. I was brave enough to offer you a ride, but still too shy to make much conversation with you. Wish I could have got your number or email address or something. I am not sure where you were coming from, but I assumed maybe a bar or a party. You said you were walking because you didn't want to get a ride from some drunk guy. I was driving home from work and still think about you sometimes on my way home. I have been hoping to maybe run into you again some day, but obviously that hasn't happened yet. If by some miracle you do see this you should know my name, what I was driving and where I work. I know it was a while ago and I probably didn't make much of an impression on you so I'll settle for 1 of the 3 :) 

I just want to recap this scenario here. It's early morning, let's say 3 or 4 or 5am. It's raining and dark. This girl is walking down Holland Rd in Middleburg Heights (which if I remember correctly is mostly residential, but if I'm wrong, either way picture the most suburban street you can think of), wearing red jersey cut offs with the OSU logo on her ass, and black high heels. She stops and accepts a ride from a complete stranger in the middle of the night, because she is drunk and didn't want to go home with one of the other drunk guys whose company she just left.

 Let me tell you dude, in that scenario, you did exactly the right thing not asking for her information or giving her yours. Her father would be really happy about both those things. But otherwise, I hope this works out for you.


  1. hay were u at marks in kamms corner with an older guy?

  2. when I go to Marc's, I make no eye contact, and I walk as fast as humanely possible. I try to maintain the "illusion" that I would hiss at anyone who tried to say something to me.

  3. OMG, just those two words, "parma mcdonald's," say absolutely everything. hilarious. and a "special kind of orange"? jesus, that makes me want to cry. i picture an elderly woody allen, clutching his (what? tangelo? blood orange?) segment hopefully, trying his best to bite into it seductively without dislodging his upper plate. and she's like 18.

    (i know, he said he's 53, but that's totally a lie)

  4. You're right. 53 is like one of those ages you start telling people when you're actually 59.

  5. Holland doesn't even go through Middleburg Heights.

  6. Not that I'm accusing you of not knowing the geography, but some dude who works by it should know that he's in the middle of Brook Park while he searches for his cutoff sweats with heels lady love.

  7. It's all Parma to me. All of it. Except for Seven Hills, which is where they keep the bunkers stocked with replacement bar waitresses and horrible old ladies.

  8. I was stealing car stereos in that parking deck when you stumbled by all drunk and alone. I saw you make Want-Eyes at me but decided to wait till later in the week for my assault, because I am romantic as fuck.

  9. I was harvesting neighborhood cats to sell when I saw you in your kitchen doing dishes. I think I'm your type, cause I kinda look like that guy you were with.

  10. Hahha I've killed sooo much time reading these. Bonkers.

  11. This is my not-so-guilty pleasure.

    The best ones I've seen involved "Girl I shot last summer," some guy who broke into some girl's apartment, shot her in the arm and just got out of prison and still thinks he has a chance.

    Also, I did find a missed connection about me once, and I knew exactly who it was, and the only reason I turned around to look at him was because he was acting so weird.


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