Sunday, January 8, 2012

Open Letter to Newly Born Ivy Blue Carter

First of all, you should realize that your birth is the first time I have legitimately been interested in a celebrity baby story. I mean, I haven't been collecting pictures of your pregnant mom or anything, but if there were any two people on the planet I feel should breed extensively, it's your very talented very smart very hot parents.  2nd choice would be Alison Brie and Ryan Gosling. I already have a comeback planned for when people start griping tomorrow about all the internet chatter about you. It's not so much a verbal comeback as it is me just plastering their FB page with pictures of the fucking royal wedding.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't swear in front of five minute year olds.
But I assume you won't be reading this till you're 2 or 3, when you development the fine motor controls to use your 17 iPads.

You are going to find that it's easy to make friends, but hard to make friends who aren't just using you to meet your parents. I'd like to point out now that I would never be a faker like that.

For instance
Two important things to remember:

1) You will find as you enter puberty, 12 or 13, that you will begin to develop special powers. You will be able to run a little faster, see a little farther, learn ninja skills within a few months, control the weather with your thoughts. These are normal changes, but your Canadian schoolmates may not see it that way, so try to be discreet (did you know that your parents were secretly Canadians? I don't have any hard proof of this, yet. But it seems pretty obvious now that I've thought of it.) Unfortunately, there is a strong possibility you will not be able to touch boys without sucking their lifeforce from them. Though this will seem for a long time to be a terrible curse, rest assured you will a)be way hotter than them, b) be able to have them killed, and c) have a greater destiny.

2) Which is world saving. Dear Ivy Blue, it's pretty obvious to everyone that you are the Next Messiah, and while that will be cool for a minute when you're Princess of New York and all surrounding states, it's going to require some serious sacrifice on behalf of the world, because without you, we are doomed. There are prophecies alluding to this buried in your father's early lyrics, and it will be important to memorize these early, perhaps giving impromptu public performances, just to make sure it really sticks. No one knows what form this coming apocalypse will take (I personally think Korean Dubstep), but when it does come, you will feel the pricking in your bones and ready or not, our fate will be in your hands.

If it is lizards, you will probably have to marry one, just to, you know, secure the alliance.

3) Your archnemesis is Willow Smith. Be aware of her hair, and what it is doing at all times.


  1. At least Kanye West will have her back as the best baby born this year.

  2. Number 3 is not only funny, it is also true..!

  3. Is it Ivy Blue or Blue Ivy? I'm soooo confused!!! Maybe that's a power of hers already...keeping us on edge at all times.


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