Saturday, March 26, 2011

Places In Ohio That Do Not Actually Exist No Matter Who You've Slept With That Claims to Have Grown Up There. They Are Lying. And Probably A Spy.

Broadview Heights
Seven Hills
Middleburg Heights
Willowick
Pepper Pike
Russell Township
Boston Mills
Independence
Linndale
Grafton
Sheffield Lake
Bay Village
Aurora
Wooster
Olmsted Falls
Parma Heights
Brunswick
Highland Heights
Elyria

Edit: Reminderville? It's like they are not even trying to sound real.
Edit 2: Oh Oh Oh HOCKING HILLS
Edit 3: Hunting Valley, Sagamore Hills, Geauga County, Oakwood, Wadsworth for the win..
Posted by Bridget Callahan at 5:09 PM

16 comments:

  1. KingtycoonMarch 26, 2011 at 6:14 PM

    I went to an old man's house in Reminderville. He was the sort who cut articles out of the newspaper and pasted them into his encyclopedias to keep current - exactly like Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Johnny BiacofskyMarch 26, 2011 at 9:24 PM

    I live in Willoughby. Willoughby is right next to Wickliffe, which I always confuse with Willowick because they are also right next to each other. I know Willowick exists because I've always wondered why Willowick, Wickliffe, and Willoughby are all right next to each other and all have to begin with the letters "W" and "I". It gets confusing, who decided that all these places have to have such similar names right next to each other. And then there's Willoughy Hills..... Why is there a Willughby Hills? Did some of the people in the original Willoughby rebel against their fellow Willoughbians and excommunicate themselves from them? And then they ran for the hills? And then made an attempt at a failed Utopian dynasty which, due to a lack of originality, they dubbed "Willoughby Hills"?

    Whatever, anyway, Willowick exists. So you, therefore, are a princess of lies, but I call you that lightheartedly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bridget CallahanMarch 26, 2011 at 9:57 PM

    I've been called worse things.

    Apparently there was a Dr. Willoughby. I'm going to choose to believe that all resulting suburbs were populated by different generations of the mutant species he created to recreate a serf class.

    ReplyDelete
  4. KingtycoonMarch 26, 2011 at 10:15 PM

    Also, some days after selling cars I would go to Aurora to ride the roller coasters - so that was a real place. Shamu lived there!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Bridget CallahanMarch 27, 2011 at 1:13 AM

    You can give me as much anecdotal evidence as you'd like, it doesn't change the fact that they simply do not exist. Shamu? Really? That's your proof? I'm supposed to believe that this place existed because a captive orca which isn't native to any body of water anywhere near me used to be kept on exhibition there? I, sir, am no fool.

    ReplyDelete
  6. mordicaiMarch 27, 2011 at 9:36 AM

    I stand my my earlier comment.

    http://twitter.com/#!/mordicai/status/51245136331546624

    ReplyDelete
  7. KingtycoonMarch 27, 2011 at 9:36 AM

    Dude... Dude.
    Shamu.

    http://neohiotvmemories.wordpress.com/2009/04/27/bulletin-board-2/nz-with-shamu/

    You can see in the window that it is Aurora.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sarah SpharMarch 27, 2011 at 10:36 AM

    If you drive pretty fast down a certain stretch of I-71 you will discover Linndale and also the sole reason it exists.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bridget CallahanMarch 27, 2011 at 11:09 AM

    I even went to a "party in Linndale" once. I may only have one kidney left, I don't know.

    ReplyDelete
  10. blue girlMarch 27, 2011 at 12:19 PM

    I am a spy who once fell in love while living in Olmsted Falls.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bridget CallahanMarch 27, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    See! Proof. Olmsted Falls can't exist because spies can't fall in love. It's the first rule!

    ReplyDelete
  12. alexa @clevelandsaplumMarch 27, 2011 at 5:44 PM

    ok, THIS is funny.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Bridget CallahanMarch 27, 2011 at 10:40 PM

    See, I feel like that emphasis on "This" means that nothing else I write is funny. Which is probably true, but also more likely means I need to get laid. Jesus.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Elly LouMarch 28, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    I might have to recruit Rocco on this for verification.

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousMarch 30, 2011 at 6:31 PM

    Okay, I could swear I've been to Sheffield Lake. But your post gave me pause. So I googled it. And you know what, Bridget? I don't care about their bogus website OR what Mayor Piskura says, it is obviously an internet conspiracy because not only would my best friend never lie to me, EVERYONE knows there are no Italians in Ohio. You've been outed Sheffield Lakes. Shame, shame.

    ReplyDelete
  16. ClevelandPoetMarch 31, 2011 at 2:46 PM

    ah does that mean tomorrow when I go to the Dick's Sporting goods in Highland Heights for an interview that I'll be lost in a void of some kind never to be seen again?

    it doesn't help them prove that they in fact do exist by the bus I'd take only makes a trip out there for a very short period of time.

    bastards with their trickery!

    ReplyDelete

Who wants to fuck the Editors?

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