Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A List of Things That Children's Stories Starring Talking Animals Taught Me

1. The very best party food in the world, especially for chipmunks, is a corn cob roasted with honey. This is not true. I have tried it, multiple times, and it sucks. Also not on my party menu - thistle cream with boiled walnut pudding.

2. Making friends with birds is worth it, because someday they will fly you over the sea, or out of the Stalin era rabbit warren. It's true. Birds are like the airplanes of the world. Only they aren't friends with mice. They eat them. Also they are dinosaurs. Also they are stupid vicious mean dinosaurs.

3. Drinking dandelion wine you make yourself in your cardboard home in Times Square is not at all the same as being an alcoholic hobo. If you are a mouse.

4. Any animal with a scar or mutilation or opposing political viewpoint is a villain. And will eat your baby hedgehogs. Which all of your close multi-species allies might do at anytime too, but they won't, cause they have honor and speckled Devonshire cream tarts.

5. Cats are always evil. Unless they are not. But mostly they are. Do not fuck with them.

6. Animals grouped in militaristic societies are doomed to failure. Agricultural based communes will always succeed against overwhelming odds. Provided they know squirrels with archery skills. So the ideal community to be in is the peaceful rural one that has tribal, nomadic, but bearing no resemblance to a government, trained in the ancient violent arts allies who can be called upon when anything bad comes up, and take no payment.

7. Death is around every corner.

8. Animals should not travel in motorized conveyances. Not Toads. Not crickets. Not rabbits. Not penguins. Not mice. Never.

9. There is no such thing as a flighty bear. All bears are warriors. Pooh will secretly eat your face off. That's why everyone else in the 100 Acres Wood is so damned nervous all the time.

10. The most important thing to have on a quest is lots of really good food. And someone who speaks Otter.


  1. I don't know. I've met some seriously alcoholic mice...

  2. Don't have to tell me. I live by the Cuyahoga River. The rats are assholes.


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