Friday, September 17, 2010

Hansel and Gretel

1. Hansel lived with the witch before Gretel. He had found the witch, living happily in her gingerbread house, alone with her cats, and moved in. When this all happened, Hansel was not a boy. He was in fact 33.

2. After years of living together, Hansel started staying overnight when he went into town to buy supplies. The Witch was suspicious. Hansel pointedly told her she was crazy.

3. One day, he "found" teenage Gretel wandering in the woods. "She's just a friend. Stop being such a bitch. We're just hanging out" he told the Witch.

4. The Witch loved Hansel very much. Witches are not creatures to fuck around with. They live on the edge of madness, in a darkness of words and intentions. They are fragile when they are sane. They are sincere when they are hurt.

5. Hansel and Gretel ran away together, but the woods are wild, and soon Hansel decided that he deserved to live in the gingerbread house as well, because he couldn't let one witch's pain manipulate his life.

6. So they came back and Hansel had a plan.

7. First he told the Witch how much he loved her, and regretted hurting her. He slept with her to stop her from crying hot witch tears. Then he told her things were over with Gretel.

8. Things were not over with Gretel.

9. The Witch sat outside her house all day, contemplating the large brick ovens by the chicken coop. She felt impotent, used, unwanted, betrayed.

10. Hansel found her, and held her. He told her again how much he loved her, and how beautiful she was, and touched her in the secret witch places. The next day he told her again it was over with Gretel.

11. It was not over with Gretel.

12. Hansel and Gretel came to the house together. "Stop trying to keep us apart you stupid old witch" they told her, standing over her drunk weakened frame. "Stop trying to manipulate us you crazy hag. We are young and free and strong, and you could never come between us. Standing still is what kills us, we have to sleep with everyone, and go to shows every night, and be among the well dressed people in order to have love."

13. The Witch looked at them in their terrible intent. "You are not young Hansel, you are 33. You are older than me. And Gretel, you are young, and you are stupid, but someday you will learn better."

14. Then she crawled into the ovens, and shut the door.


  1. Excellent! Love the photos with it.

  2. Did you read Wicked?

    Also, do you have any idea how magical you are? Sometimes I wish you fit in my mouth so I could take you wherever I might travel, to always be a beacon of beauty and wit and healthy perspective.

  3. Oh Bridget. Have I ever told you how much I love you? :-)

    One of us needs to hit the other up soon. Girls' Night. You in? :-)

  4. Loved this. Thanks, Bridget. The picture with the flower in the carafe makes me want to cry a little.

  5. I loved this... the pics were perfect. If I lived in Ohio I would want to hang out with you for sure!

  6. this story was perfect...sad and perfect. the pics are fantastic....
    If I lived in Ohio I would want to hang out with you for sure....

  7. A very cool modern take on an old classic. Excellent.

  8. I agree with Zannah--that's a great photo.

    And shit, Bridget, I don't know how you're still walking after that.

  9. Also, don't worry. Hansel gets his.


  10. i hate to say i love this because it makes me want to cry.

    and punch h&g.

  11. holy hell, lady! i so much prefer this version to the original story.

  12. 15. But before she could light a fire in the oven Little Red Riding Hood came along and opened the door.

    16. She was very hungry and begged the witch to make some witch food--which of course is magical and very good.

    17. Later her and the witch went exploring in the woods. The witch felt better about having a friend around and made witch jokes--which of course are always funny.

    18. After wandering for some time the Witch met Prince Charming and they fell in love.

    19. The Witch forgot about Hansel and Gretel--and she didn't need witch potion to do it.

    20. The Witch and the Prince had 7 children, which all turned out to be dwarves, but they were all happy together.

    The End


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