Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Why Pointing Out What Sign You Are to People Who Don't Care is Maybe Not a Good Idea

Bridget's Interpretation of the Astrological Signs
as aided by caffeine withdrawal, a twix bar for breakfast,
and general lack of respect for the whole damn thing. I don't believe this shit.
(due to certain conversations, I feel compelled to make this clear. I am making all this up)

Capricorn - The Goat

Capricorns are driven people. Driven to be intellectual snobs. Driven to be exclusive. Driven to be in control of their situation, even if that means staying in their house every day playing computer games because its the only thing they are good at, and if they leave the house they might have to experience this thing called an emotion, which frankly they don't see the point of. They love to talk to you if you're smart, but only as long as you don't admit to knowing more than them. If you don't meet their standards, then they will probably still sleep with you, but will not call you in the morning and probably won't enjoy it anyway. They like trench coats, IT jobs, and symmetrical pictures of nature. If you meet a capricorn with excellent social skills, it probably means they make a lot more money than you.

Aquarius - The Water Bearer

Aquarius likes to be thought of as unique. You know what's not unique? Telling everyone how unique you are. If you tell me that you are "crazy and weird", then you're probably neither of those things. Unless while you tell me this, you are also juggling stray cats and wearing a caftan you knitted to symbolize world drought. In other words, Aquarius tries too hard. They are most likely to try and change the world, and most likely to drive everyone crazy by preaching about veganism and alien encounters. They infest non-profits and college activism groups like pesky squirrels. I suspect most of them are bi-polar, since a disproportionate amount of them claim angels talk to them. Also, what the fuck is a water bearer? Cause to me that reads slave.

Pisces - The Fish

Pisces are sluts. Seriously, any Pisces will sleep with you. If you're into anal, go out with a Pisces. They will totally fall in love with you though. Sweet, slutty Pisces.

Aries - The Ram

Aries are totally adventurous, and will do most anything. Whether or not its dangerous. Need someone to walk into a den of badgers? Call an Aries. Need someone to hang from an airplane over the Andes and lure condors with chum? Call an Aries. Some people think this stupid, careless, reckless. After all, who does dumb shit like scuba diving under the Artic shelf? Whatever, you don't even know what living is. Aries write a lot of survival guides, and frankly, if there is an apocalypse, you should get one on your side. Aries are physically incapable of becoming zombies. In fact, we should be farming them for anti-zombie stem cells.

Taurus - The Bull

Once upon a time, you used to date this guy who seemed totally calm and collected, had a good job, a house, was unflinchingly loyal and paid your car bills and stuff. Then he went on your facebook, saw how many guy friends you had, and suddenly he was suspicious of everything you were doing. Who was that on the phone? Why can't you come over tonight? When you asked him what the hell was up, he wouldn't tell you, just made sad puppy dog eyes at you. Eventually he got really defensive at everything, started snapping anytime you disagreed about something, and started drinking a lot. He was a Taurus. You dumped him for a Pisces.

Gemini- The Twins

No matter how awesome that collage you made for their birthday is, a Gemini will still think they are more creative than you. Don't worry about trying to make plans with them either, because Geminis are notorious for not calling you for months, then all of a sudden totally having to see you on this specific day at this specific time, and if you don't do it then, you may never see or hear from them again. Not because they don't like you. They are just too busy being awesome. Geminis are great for doing drugs with, as long as you catch them on the upside of their monthly mood cycle. Otherwise it's kind of depressing. And they sort of become addicts. Which is more depressing.

Cancer - The Crab

Do you like watching a woman cry? Do you like watching her cry because you did something conceptually hurtful, even though no solid action took place? Do you have a pressing need to take care of someone, manage their budget, comfort them when they get irrationally insecure, and put up with their entertainment demands even though you're footing the bill because she is too busy writing her novel to go to work? Does her having big tits and giving good blowjobs, plus being really fun to drink with, make up for all of that? Then call me.

Leo - The Lion

Leos get hurt just as easily as Cancers, only they're too proud to actually say anything about it. It's sweet, until they get super passive aggressive. They try to be steady, not cause a fuss, but if you step on them they get totally irrationally angry. Leos hold a grudge like nobody's business. Well, I mean, technically it should be their business. If only there was a way to profit off hating people, places, and things. I wonder what the quantity of Leos on staff at Fox News is? As long as you stay on their good side, then they're great friends. But good luck with that. It's a minefield. Start with never ever telling them what to do. Send them to Africa to travel down the Congo and find a crazy man.

Virgo - The Virgin

When I asked my friends to contribute lists of their perfect mates, the first 2 who responded were Virgos, because they already had lists. Their houses are always clean. Their bank accounts are always in order. They are disgustingly perfect and well balanced. Virgos should probably run the world, but if you tell them I said that I'll deny it. They are good friends to have, but they are always asking you to go out which can be frustrating, since their budgets are like a well oiled machine and yours is closer to an 85 Chevy that needs a transmission flush. If a Virgo falls in love with you, you should probably shut the fuck up and consider yourself lucky. If your Virgo is a girl, she's probably vegan. If it's a guy, he belongs to a gym. Seriously, they will make you doubt your self-worth.

Libra - The Scales

Libras are totally delusional. They are all born thinking that they are destined to live some special grand life, and when that doesn't happen, they start irrationally grabbing onto anything that can cover up their mediocrity and give them the appearance of individuality. This makes them lots of fun, because they really really want to seem fun. It also makes them the worst flirts ever, because they want to look popular and in demand and adored. If you want to love a Libra, be prepared to deny reality often, and agree with them about how awful everyone else is except them. Also be prepared to be dumped when the next new thing comes along that's shinier than you. Libras are like ravens, constantly swooping off path for bits of tinfoil to help them pretend their nest is silver.

Scorpio - The Scorpion

Scorpios are assholes. But if you like someone dominating every aspect of your life, and dictating what you think and who your friends are and what kind of politics you have, then hey. They're good in the sack. They're sort of like the military version of Pisces. A Scorpio would totally murder a Pisces, and get away with it. If you want to murder someone and get away with it, call a Scorpio. If you need a short man to lead your army across Europe, call a Scorpio.

Sagittarius - The Archer

The worst thing you can do to a Sag is tell them they have to do something because they are "supposed to". However, if you give them a reason to "want to" then they are on it. They are the nice versions of Capricorns. But if you dropped a Sag and Cap somewhere deep in the woods, and told them to kill each other, my money's on the Cap because they usually own guns.


  1. It's totally true. You are a slut. But you're a sweet slut.

  2. my mom is a capricorn and i am a saggitarius, which probably explains why we're not speaking right now. thx for clearing things up.

  3. No probs Lula. Thanks for teaching me about the magnolia leaves/Big Mac equation.

    I will be starting my own hotline soon.

  4. For someone who doesn't believe in it, those are pretty spot on descriptions. And I'm not pretending. My nest is made of silver.

  5. Hm. I am a Virgo but far from disgustingly perfect. Though my house is typically pretty clean.

    Also all my vintage scarves are sealed in individual Ziploc bags, and I have been known to maintain a nail polish spreadsheet.

    Do those things count?

  6. I do not believe in it. And yet, thanks for the info.

  7. This is the best thing I have read in weeks.

    P.S. Proud to be a pisces.

  8. as a Libra I would say your interpretation of our kind is spot on. however unfortunate that may be for me and my already low self-esteem.


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