I feel more and more like the things I think about are fracturing into smaller pieces of a whole. Like, before I was always, no matter what, sure about something in my head. There was a larger picture. Now it feels like I am watching every larger picture I believed in shatter into mosaics, I can see components, little blocks of memory or feeling or just reaction repeating themselves in patterns to make up a day. Is this the building of experience? Seeing what makes up the whole? I'm not sure if I enjoy it yet or not. It's nice to feel smarter, like complicated things do. It sucks to see too many details. Also I find it incredible to believe, actually fucking impossible if I'm being totally honest, that I would ever be the kind of girl who would have any wisdom at all, and I think it's probably not that at all, but just the accumulation of debris in my brain, gunking up my used to be OEM mechanisms. Original Equipment Manufacturer, that's what that means. Whoever thought I would grow up to know that shit? It's not crazy but its just weird.
I think the thing is to see both - the whole and the peices. Neither is more important, both are essential. People stuck on one or the other are half blind.
ReplyDeleteNan, I will always take advice from you, since your life is closer to perfect than anyone I know.
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