America's Next Top Model Cycle 12 Recap: Beware of the Bird

(note: I will eventually post my spectacular soul moving Chicago pics, as soon as they are finished uploading to Flickr, which at the rate they're going should be by sometime next August..)

Once upon a time, in a large metropolis by the sea, a very pretty very old princess was getting cosmopolitan bored. Princess Paulina had once been a great beauty, renown for her wrinkled nose and very curly tail. Now she sat in her gardens sighing, while courtiers pranced around her, vying for her attention. The sad, sad life of a washed up fashion whale was hers, doomed to flounder on the sand, gasping for air, while well meaning commoners doused her with water.

4 travelers came one night to the gates of the city. The Queen, the Prince, the Tin Man, and the Rogue had been wandering the countryside for weeks, searching for the famed Cover Girl Contract of Certain Fame. Apprehended by the royal guards, they were brought before the Princess Paulina, who clapped and laughed with joy at the prospect of new entertainment, as she had tired of imitating strange fey English men. Her handmaids held the prisoners down, and dressed them in garish flounces and ribbons. The Princess then brought out her favorite pet, a large black bear by the name Fernando, who had once hunted on the slopes of Siberia, who had once drank the waters of the mighty Volga, and who now in his captured senility danced an awkward samba with our terrified heroes.

One by one the bear paraded them around the great hall/rooftop. First the Tin Man, whose joints screamed for oil and love, but the cries fell on deaf royal ears. The Queen persevered, knowing that true royal blood can handle any task, and not even a bear’s hot breath can melt a truly cool exterior. She glided and smiled, twirled and plotted. The Princess glared, jealous of her true grace, and declared “desperation is not sexy”. Next came the Prince, awkward, plain, and stumble-footed. Dancing was clearly not his forte. Oh but the Rogue! The Rogue had fought her way through dancehalls before, and as she enchanted the court, she slyly picked the pocket of several fictional cameramen.
The Princess, having snarked to her fill, threw the travelers into the great Condo Lofts of Doom, a terrible plastic place, perpetually enrobed in gloom. The party diligently practiced their best jester routines, or as the Rogue referred to it, their “chiki chiki tooming”. But just as exhaustion and corns were beginning to overtake them, an ominous missal appeared from the heavens, bearing the alien crest of their homeland The Federated States of Weird Flags as if to taunt them. A riddle! They were to “pushed out of the nest”! No one slept in that terrible place that night.

The next morning (though it remained darkest night over the Towering Condos) the brave foursome were hogtied and driven in an evil smelling van to the Vast Feral Forest. The Prince recalled various legends placing this as the home of a Wild Haired Wild Eyed Woman, who devoured young girls and sucked on their bones to build her sets. And sure enough, not 3 parsecs from the middle of nowhere, the Wild Haired Wild Eyed Woman blocked their path, her legs crossed to her shoulders, her eyes of glass gleaming black. She stared them down, contemplating their fate, as they sat idling in the humidity. Finally, a slow smile spread across her oil slicked face. The travelers shook to their well heeled toes.

First she took the Tin Man. The Tin Man had resolved to have a heart, to be brave as he left, and set a good example for the others left behind. He hardly trembled at all as the forest witch covered him with chicken feathers and threw him into a giant nest. It was the nest of a Giant Condor, and he was to be dinner for its young ones. But the little monsters took one look at the unappealing metal, one nip at an unprotected elbow, and promptly threw him out.

Next the Rogue volunteered, certain she could slay whatever evil lay wait. She blended into the shadows of the nest, and rearranged her hair to look like twigs, and the stupid birds didn’t even see her.

The Frustrated Witch shook with anger, and roughly grabbed the Queen, who merely sat in the corner of the nest and looked kindly but firmly at the baby condors. Within the course of fifteen minutes, she had taught them how to distinguish a salad fork from a tuning fork, and which way the world turns in a leap year.

Finally, came the Prince, willingly. He longed to be done with his impossible journey, and lay complacently within the prickly walls of the nest, awaiting his fate. Unfortunately, this is a charmed Prince, the Prince of our story, and nothing bad can happen to him, no matter what he does or fails to do. As the Prince lay there waiting to be devoured, the mother Condor came swooping down. For a long moment, it seemed as if his eyeballs were destined to be jellied candies down the avian gullet, and really, no worse for the world. But the gracious, heroic Queen, aware that no royalty would fail to sacrifice itself for its people, threw herself across the path of the giant bird, and was carried away in it vicious talons. The Rogue, with no further thought for the sacrificed Queen, quickly took the opportunity to steal away into forest, and the cowering Prince and hesitant Tin Man followed suit.

The Tin Man knew though, as he followed those two into the dense vines, that his time would soon come. He knew they would soon require a boat or a weapon or a mirror, and would fall upon him as desperate selfish people do. The Queen, his only true protection, was gone…and the can opener awaited.

To be continued….

America's Next Top Model Cycle 12: Redonkalous

A List of Things that Have Entertained Me Over the Last 24 Hours:

1. Arlen Spector. (not related, but still, at the top of the list)
2. Pho saying she does everything half-assed, including high school. Cause, see, she's a half ass. Or half pint. Half ounce. Whatever.

Oh the GO-SEE episode. The bane of every season, until these plucky little minxes hit the San Paulo scene. I think last night was the first time I have ever seen anyone employ a viable strategy for getting to her go-sees. Like, you know, planning your route. Or WALKING.

3. Aminat: "redonkalous"
4. Succubusses.
5. Teyonna walking out every time another girl was already there. Which was at least three times, maybe four.

Why did it seem like none of the Brazilian designers were from Brazil? Also, why did they all design the stupidest baggiest looking clothing ever? Rainbow colored bags. White bags. Brown bags. Beribboned bags. ALSO why were they all so unimpressed with America's beauties?

6. Pho is too short to do anything ever. She is a midget, a pygmy, a throwback of evolution. Oh wait, she's 5'7".
7. Aminat: "Cause I'm african and I'm never on time."

Teyonna won a lot of hideous clothing. Good for her. It will go with her hideous head.

8. Nigel made SURE he got the bathing suit shoot this year. But keeps his hands held laughably high every time he hugs the models. I'm convinced Nigel is a womanizer.
9. Jay actually wore normal clothes for a change.

Everyone's butts were blurred out, and Pho did so bad, so marionette from the dead bad, that it begs the question "is Pho not used to drinking?" Aminat was, as always, a drugged out ostrich on the planes of non-existence. Teyonna hunched like a gargoyle, her best picture turned out to be her hunched over the fat man, chewing his intestines. Allison emerged as the little milkmaid from the hot Brazilian flesh jungle, like a breath of air conditioning.

10. Every time Tyra gets a new wig, she gets a little more coocoo for coco puffs.
11. I am not wearing a medical mask. Dopes.
12. Allison is so ungraceful, she actually couldn't make it back to the dais during judgement. Miss Jay had to utilize his bow tie as a stretcher, to make sure she didn't break anything.

America's Next Top Model Cycle 12 Recap: The Earth Day Episode

Brazil used to have the highest rate of deforestation in the world. In 2007, thanks to conservation efforts, they cut that rate by 52%.

And on ANTM, we too have reached the halfway mark. What better country to fly the girls to than the cradle of the Amazon, the very pit of humanity vs. Nature? Since this show is basically the same battle. Of course, they won't be trekking in the jungle. But there are still piranhas to watch out for. Namely, rich white girls from California.

This week was really Natalie's shining moment. Here are a few choice quotes from her:

Beginning of the episode, referring to their new home: "This is Brazil, we know it's going to be awesome." Cause Brazil is known for its "awesome" housing.

Later, having seen the house, the Botanical Gardens, and the Girl from Ipanema: "I haven't seen anything special in Brazil." Stupid other countries looking exactly like Palo Alto.

Later still, during the photo shoot, complaining about the locale: "this isn't a good area. It's a poor area." Goodness, she even had to deal with a stray dog! The indignity!

So Natalie seemed to think that Brazil, known for its roving gangs of feral children, rampant police brutality, and extensive slums, was going to be one big romp through sexy South America. Oh Natalie. They should abandon you in the countryside for a few days, for your own good.

Otherwise, the episode was pretty standard. The girls had to run, yell at taxi drivers, fake fight each other with martial arts moves learned minutes before, and pose like drag queen Carmen Mirandas, in a (I think) tasteless homage to the Chiquita banana industry that has raped the countryside. Of course, no one knew who Carmen Miranda was. Oh, and Celia roundhoused Aminat in the head, which was fun. Jay Manuel referred to the "favela" as "neighborhood originally built by the poor" which is the nicest way of saying shanty town I've ever heard.

Natalie's picture of an angry Carmen Miranda slumped on a doorstep waiting for her next customer got her sent home. Aminat somehow stays, which means she had better be gone next week, because I cannot listen to her voice anymore. Allison won the photo shoot by looking least like a hooker and more like a nightclub floozie. Pho came in second, and actually CURTSIED to Tyra. Ice queen Celia melted.

And in the end, I was not satisfied, and was even more angsty when there was no new Lost. So the lesson here is that summer has come and I need to go outside more. And never wear fruit on my head. And probably shut off my cable.

In other news, I've been doing data entry at work for the past few days, helping them get caught up, and it's drained me. My head is full of point click point click point click. I also can't get twitter at work anymore. It's like the universe is conspiring to get me a little more disconnected. It's working.