America's Next Top Model Cycle 12 Recap: The Earth Day Episode

Brazil used to have the highest rate of deforestation in the world. In 2007, thanks to conservation efforts, they cut that rate by 52%.

And on ANTM, we too have reached the halfway mark. What better country to fly the girls to than the cradle of the Amazon, the very pit of humanity vs. Nature? Since this show is basically the same battle. Of course, they won't be trekking in the jungle. But there are still piranhas to watch out for. Namely, rich white girls from California.

This week was really Natalie's shining moment. Here are a few choice quotes from her:

Beginning of the episode, referring to their new home: "This is Brazil, we know it's going to be awesome." Cause Brazil is known for its "awesome" housing.

Later, having seen the house, the Botanical Gardens, and the Girl from Ipanema: "I haven't seen anything special in Brazil." Stupid other countries looking exactly like Palo Alto.

Later still, during the photo shoot, complaining about the locale: "this isn't a good area. It's a poor area." Goodness, she even had to deal with a stray dog! The indignity!

So Natalie seemed to think that Brazil, known for its roving gangs of feral children, rampant police brutality, and extensive slums, was going to be one big romp through sexy South America. Oh Natalie. They should abandon you in the countryside for a few days, for your own good.

Otherwise, the episode was pretty standard. The girls had to run, yell at taxi drivers, fake fight each other with martial arts moves learned minutes before, and pose like drag queen Carmen Mirandas, in a (I think) tasteless homage to the Chiquita banana industry that has raped the countryside. Of course, no one knew who Carmen Miranda was. Oh, and Celia roundhoused Aminat in the head, which was fun. Jay Manuel referred to the "favela" as "neighborhood originally built by the poor" which is the nicest way of saying shanty town I've ever heard.

Natalie's picture of an angry Carmen Miranda slumped on a doorstep waiting for her next customer got her sent home. Aminat somehow stays, which means she had better be gone next week, because I cannot listen to her voice anymore. Allison won the photo shoot by looking least like a hooker and more like a nightclub floozie. Pho came in second, and actually CURTSIED to Tyra. Ice queen Celia melted.

And in the end, I was not satisfied, and was even more angsty when there was no new Lost. So the lesson here is that summer has come and I need to go outside more. And never wear fruit on my head. And probably shut off my cable.

In other news, I've been doing data entry at work for the past few days, helping them get caught up, and it's drained me. My head is full of point click point click point click. I also can't get twitter at work anymore. It's like the universe is conspiring to get me a little more disconnected. It's working.

America's Next Top Model Cycle 12 Recap: S-T-U-P-I-D Face

We joined the young ladies as the sun was setting on Celia's Day of Infamy. Exhausted and stained with the drippings of their fallen comrade, they divided into families upon entering the cave, and reclined in posturing relaxation, though the mood between groups was tense and hostile. On one side of the divide, an embarrassed Celia was venting her humiliation to Natalie and Allison. While upstairs, an also embarrassed Tahlia was being convinced to go against her natural instincts and let Sondra and Aminat fight for her. Sondra decided that now the battle was over, it was time to be on the winning side, and whispered conspiracy theories into Tahlia's self-righteous, insecure ear. Which got Frog Face Aminat all sorts of riled up.

Tahlia, weeper though she may be, and consummate victim, had decided to take the high road and not confront Celia. If it had stayed this way, this would have been a minor miracle for ANTM, and definitely a coup of maturity for Tahlia. But sadly, she wasn't being mature, just a coward, and she was more than happy to let the ghetto twins go to bat for her. Without questioning whether these two girls were really offended on her behalf, or just desperate for some excuse to get bitchy with Celia and Natalie, who have been kicking their asses in every challenge.

The highlight of the fight, which reminded me of that ill fated Redman/Method Man sitcom, was Aminat finally revealing she was illiterate and had been learning to read in the evenings while every one else was in the hot tub. She showed off by spelling her name a few dozen times. Then Aminat and Sondra's stock fell irreparably to the bottom of the jar, because ghetto is heavy like lead and sinks you.

Then there was a touching scene where Tahlia came to her senses and talked to Celia directly, in private, and I don't know what they resolved but it was the only decent response to the whole debacle. So good for them. Celia, resolved that she was going home the next day, then picked out her burial clothes which were a full yellow skirt and a leather jacket. And she twirled and twirled until she passed out, dreaming of green hills and post it notes.

For the challenge this week, Jay Manuel illustrated to the girls how expendable and replaceable they were, by crushing a poor mannequin to death and then stabbing it a few times with a wire hanger. Then London volunteered to show everyone a useful thing you can do with wire hangers, but everyone ignored her because Jay was calling them clothes hangers. Which they thought was a compliment! They're so thin! Oh but no, it was what they're NOT supposed to be, and this episode was all about the Singular Memorable Face.

For this, they had to stand behind blow up pictures of Tyra posing as different thing: A Warrior Princess, A Farmer, A Whore. They had to copy the expression of the photo, and let some dirty old men take pictures of them doing it, and everyone failed because the catch is, the faces of the pictures were cut out! How were they supposed to know! Allison proved she is incapable of shutting her mouth, with her little bunny teeth. And Natalie's positronic brain quickly computed the possible angles and chose the most likely expression based on Tyra's body language, age, lighting, stage of her career, and Dow Jones numbers at the time. So she wins.

Next it's fun with pixie sticks! But instead of snorting them, the girls are forced to let underage club boys blow them all over their face. Jay asks the girls to tap into their inner synthenesia and "emote those colors". Then the girls all sit there with the exact same expression and Jay randomly picks who's doing well and who sucks, which is the only perk of his job. London is given the unfortunate makeup job of leprosy. Natalie, of course, has a problem with passion, but it's not her fault, Soong didn't make her that way.

At panel, everyone ooohs and aaahs over the picture in fake British accents, or like they're in a high school acting class which is pretty much the same thing. Pho wins because really she has the prettiest face and I'm predicting her for top 3. The elimination comes down to Sondra and Celia, and based on the way Nigel was HATIN on Celia during deliberation, "I can't even look at her", the entire world is pretty sure Tyra's about to take a rusty nailed studded 2 x 4 and beat Celia to death with it on national television. I think Tyra's pretty sure that she's going to do it herself, because more gibberish than usual comes out of her mouth, which must mean she's excited.

But in a crazy! turn of events, Celia gets another chance because she's really better than the other girls, and this is supposed to be a talent competition. Also Tyra loves having your soul indebted to her. Sondra goes home FINALLY. Her only regret should be that she didn't get sent home last week, before she made a total ass out of herself.