Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The 2nd Presidential Debate Liveblog

I can't find the twitter genius who posted this first, so all apologies

9pm Hey Y'all! See, I'm trying to be more Southern. Who's ready for this incredibly stupid style of debate, where the candidates answer inane obvious already pre-selected questions from idiots who are still undecided?

Seriously though, who the fuck doesn't know by now who they are voting for? At this point, I have more respect for Republicans than I do undecided voters.

Town Halls should really only be used for executions

Candy Crowley is a stripper witch name. I should hire her to do a spell for me. I actually think all the witches in the country should get together and do one big spell to fix the election. I wonder if that's a thing that happens? Witches secretly being hired by superstitious politicians?
Oh man, Infrastructure is like the sexiest issue ever. (yes I just completely skipped over the education pell grants thing. That poor kid you all are making fun of, good for him. He got to ask a debate question on national television, what the fuck did you all do last night?)
How is any one skeptical of alternate energy sources still? It really blows my mind. I guess they didn't grow up with Captain Planet. I mean, do people think that wind or sun is like somehow weaker? Like, it's pussy energy, like tofu and henna?
This Energy Debate is making me super angry and I want to cry. I hate all humanity. Captain Planet, he's my hero, gonna bring pollution down to....
I am getting upset at how long this fact checking site from Washington Post is taking to load, because I feel like if we all look up whether Mitt is lying all at the same time, then he might explode.
9:25pm I swear to god, I bet every one of these moderators goes home and beats their dog. I don't even blame them. I can't listen to this vague tax bullshit anymore.
OH THANKS No tax on the savings I don't have? From my imaginary investments and mutual funds. That's helpful.
Here is the difference between the candidates - Obama references people who aren't in the middle class like they actually exist. Don't be silly Barack. Didn't you hear? We all make around 200,000 and therefore it's important our mutual funds aren't taxed.
Dear Republicans: How can you be so focused on getting everyone a job, and yet still refuse to believe population control is something we're going to have to adopt at some point? I mean, even if you're not down with killing all the old people, can you at least relax a little on birth control?
Whoa, Mittens is watching Obama talking, and literally clenching his microphone so hard I can see the blood dripping from his hand.
Props to Obama for working in the word "sketchy". 5 bucks if he can use "crafty", 20 bucks if he says "she's crafty and she's just my..."
This is the best question so far, about getting women equal pay in the workplace. Also YES Lilly Ledbetter! YES. I wonder if that little girl in Omaha ever dressed up as her? I bet that would be a depressing as fuck costume.
"Thank you, yes, yes, as governor of my state, I learned that I should hire women even though they didn't apply to be part of my cabinet, because otherwise feminist groups yell at you."
Whoa wait, did Mitt just imply that a labor shortage is needed to get employers to hire more women? Cause, I mean, yeah, that's probably true.
9:44pm Guys, Obama just won the debate. (This is when he delivered that speech about his daughters, and hit his stride, and I was totally right.)
This woman sure is an undecided voter, look at how she paired that jacket and that scarf.
I'm sorry Lady, you didn't deserve that. That was a good questions.
How Mitt Romney is different than George W Bush 
1) will start war with China 
2) will fund terrorists in Latin America to make sure no one fucks with McDonalds (benefit - lots more 80s style action hero movies) 
3) Wants stuff
I hope that this coming Cold War with China, which instead of a space race will be a "control your populace and stock markets" race, means there will be lots more Chinese spy novels by Grisham like self published authors.
See, all Romney's got is this personal story crap. I mean, are people so incapable of seeing that they are at the bottom of a a complicated chain of actions and consequences? Is this why people still eat McDonalds? I've said it before, but I'll say it again, Romney reminds me of the skeezy New Zealand guy who took over the last company I worked at, and then just kept making videos from his living room in a polo shirt.
Okay, I know how to solve all this unemployment crap. Let's kill 23 Million people. Not just the unemployed though. We'll do a lottery. We can use the polio vaccine records.
10:00pm Good, an immigration question. Romney thinks we should give green cards to the smart people that we want, and breed mutant three headed dogs with poison herpes tongues to guard the giant wall of broken glass and nails to keep all those stupid poor people who don't have degrees out of our damn country, also he wishes you would remember to hand wash his shirts, Lorraine.
Hahaha, both Obama and Romney wanted this woman's name to be Lorena so badly, they said it out loud, just to sound more spanishy.
Man, Arizona is the new Alaska, which was the new Florida. Also I wish Obama had just used the word racism there. RACISM. ARIZONA IS RACIST.
Is it weird that I'm getting more and more worried that Mittens is going to pull a giant red button out of his suit pocket and start laughing maniacally? (I just realized that as a country we've been calling this middle aged power hungry asshole a cat's name for the last year, and yet we're still surprised when he looks like he's going to crack any day now.)
I wish I had paid more attention to the Yellow Journalism section of my community college history course, cause then I would have something witty to compare this Libya bullshit too.
I think every American president should have to start with an apology tour of the world. Every term.
Dear Hillary Clinton: I will totally vote for you in 4 years, I promise. Because you are my generation's Margaret Thatcher. Which isn't exactly a compliment maybe, but means I trust you to bite people during a fight.
10:15pm Man, Mittens just got schooled by the fucking journalist moderator. Stripper Witch, I love you.
She is wearing a glitter suit. And asking about AK 47 legislation. I bet she makes amazing cupcakes.
This town hall format would be amazing if they did it through random video booths through out the country. Especially because of the riots.
Mittens just linked druglords and assault rifles to not having 2 parent homes and not having charter schools. Without answering the question. Just to throw it out there that bastards shouldn't be able to get jobs or hunting licenses.
Here's a novel concept: we just give the presidency to whoever can stay exactly within their time limit at the last debate.
Wait, is Germany stealing our jobs now too? Oh fuck. Let's just give up now. I mean, I would go work in Germany in a second.
10:30pm Pioneers of Outsourcing often died from Infected Taxholes once they hit the Oregon River.
Romney is so anti-China, I'm starting to think he's the Manchurian Candidate. It would much.
It just occurred to me that Obama's plan to bring in manufacturing is what Pittsburgh's revitalization strategy was, and you know, that totally worked.
I am not a child of any god, just to be clear. Though I really like Mormon clothing lines. But I'm actually Heart from Captain Planet.
I feel like multiple times in these debates, Romney has specifically said his policies would leave everyone secure EXCEPT ME. Cause I'm under 45, and not middle class, and I don't want to have babies, and I don't buy gas.
10:40pm Alright, anyone who tells you Obama lost that debate is a moron and you should let the air out of their tires and not make out with them.
The best part of this election cycle has been learning how many of my friends hate David Brooks because they are Canadian racists.
It would be most awesome if we could withhold all fact checking until after the debates, and everyone voted, and then whoever vote for the guy who lied the most times, those are the people who have to pay taxes and the rest of us get our school loans forgiven.


  1. Very entertaining breakdown of the debate. I almost want Romney to be elected just to watch his insular view of the world get shattered.
    I second your exact thought about Hil. I would trust her to back me up in a fist fight before any of these other guys.

  2. We could probably put Romney in a little fake white house and just TELL him he won, and observe the next 4 years from the safety of Fakeville. I'd be okay with my tax dollars paying for that.


Who wants to fuck the Editors?