Thursday, October 4, 2012

Drinking Through the Debate with Bridget, Scott, and Tim


Bridget: I was just flipping through channels and saw some animations for "The Main Event" and thought it was the debate, but it was professional wrestling.

Scott: Oh snap! It's on!

Bridget: I used to have such a crush on Jim Lehrer when I was a pubescent kid.

Scott: What's a debestic issue?

Bridget: It means they can't ask about drone wars.

Scott: So I guess I'll get this out of the way now. In the interest of full disclosure, in case the SEC or whoever it is that watches these things cares, I figure I'd better show my hand.
I'm currently holding shares in the following Electoral College races:
Indiana - Republican
New Hampshire - Democrat
Virginia - Democrat
Wisconsin - Democrat
I have short sold the following Electoral College races:
Colorado - Republican
Florida - Republican
Missouri - Democrat
New Hampshire - Republican
North Carolina - Democrat
Virginia - Republican
I've got a bunch of positions in Senate races as well, which may be subject to down-ticket boosts or drops based on the debate, but I don't think I'm required to share those as they're not directly related.

Bridget: I can't believe you are buying stock in election results.

Scott: Oh I'm gonna make some money, don't you worry.

Bridget: man, Obama's starting with the "sweetie, happy anniversary" crap

Scott: Yeah that's a little weak. He seems stumbly today.

Bridget: I feel like I've heard Obama's speech on jobs 17 million times by now.

Bridget: Does making Romney say "congratulations", is that a way of emasculating him? CAUSE IT FEELS THAT WAY

Scott: Romney should hire that lady who asked him for help to clean his house.
Scott: We can help you, babylady. Do you have papers and a mop?

Tim: my prediction for the Obama administration staffing change to be rolled out during the debate: Biden moved to Secretary of State, Jay Z moved to VP. I've got it on my bingo sheet.

Scott: Welcome to the party, Tim.

Tim: Thanks Scott.
Obama just made a big mistake. When he said "our corporate tax rate is too high" what he meant was, "The Corporate Tax Rate is Too Damn High!"
Was Jimmy McMillan not invited to this debate?

Scott: I think you have to get 15% of the last 4 polls. He was barely edged out, mostly due to 4th party spoilers throwing their votes away on Ron Paul.

Scott: Don't smirk, Barry. Nobody likes a smirker.

Bridget: Mitt looks surprised by what he's saying himself. Like, whoa! can you believe this?! Why is his upper lip so red?

Scott: Uhhh, what? He doesn't have an upper lip.

Bridget: hahahaha Obama just said "let's talk about taxes cause it's INSTRUCTIVE". Burn.

Tim: everyone drink if your bingo board says "Romney attempts to humanize himself by talking about poor people." Do you ever wonder if his campaign managers are worried that their main campaigning objectives have so much to do with the word "humanize"?

Scott: My god, we're 16 minutes in and I guarantee the only people in America still watching are live bloggers and drinking game players.

Tim: oh man you guys are already on the energy independence part? This internet link must be giving me everything about 2 minutes in the past. I blame obama.

Bridget: WHOA Mittens just got real upset.
Bridget: Mittens is acting like he just got accused of embezzling from the church fund. "What? I would never! My goodness!" I think he cares more about the tax code than anything else.

Tim: Obama pulls executive privilege by giving the "hold on a second" finger to the moderator! bam!

Bridget: "It's Math! It's Arithmetic!"

Scott: Bill Clinton! Drink!

Bridget: I have to pee. Are there commercial breaks during this thing?

Tim: the have a half time show i think. It's Carly Rae Jensen.

Scott: I don't know if defending "The Three Percent" of anything is a winning strategy for Mitt.

Scott: This guy just can't figure out what portion of the bottom 99% of America he doesn't give a shit about.

Bridget: So...Ohio, St. Louis. I wish I'd made a list of state name dropping for like, a bingo card.

Tim: I thin kthe main lesson to be gleaned from the "undecided colorado voter" line at the bottom of the screen is that men are much easier to appease politically. The women are all voting nader.

Bridget: Nader is hot.

Bridget: If we don't talk about healthcare even once tonight, I am going to be fucking pissed. Some of us care more about just tax code.

Tim: Obama clarifies that he wants to say something to the american people. All previous comments were to the canadians.
Tim: read: david brooks.
Tim (and carly rae jensen)

Bridget: Wait, so Romney just said job growth were slow last year, slower the year before. Doesn't that mean it's accelerating?

Bridget: Oh my god "is this social program worth borrowing from China?" Are you kidding me Mittens?

Scott: Hold the phones! Mitt Romney loves Big Bird!

Scott: Jim Lehrer seems a little reticent about bitch slapping the president like he did Mittens.

Tim: in all seriousness, it's ridiculous that they're talking about the budget deficit and not the trade deficit.
Also it conjures a really wonderful image of George Bush walking through the checkout at Wal-Mart every time Obama says he put two wars on the government credit card.

Scott: Obama is the first to name drop Reagan?

Tim: yeah Obama has a weird thing for the gipper though. He references him more than any other president I'll bet.

Bridget: okay Tim, Scott - how do you guys stand on Medicare?

Scott: Who knows, I'm uninsured.

Tim: I'm against all healthcare. we're overpopulated.

Bridget: "Current or near retirees you're safe" Romney just told me personally to fuck off.

Scott: He also told them to stop listening.

Tim: Romney goes after the elusive demographic of "Future People"... its a bold move, we'll see if it pays off.

Scott: It might work. The GOP has a lot of past people registered in Florida these days. Maybe future people is the next step.

Bridget: Man, old people should not be allowed to vote.

Scott: Or... run for president? Is that racist?

Scott: When I'm 65, I sure as fuck will not be running for president.

Tim: you're not making it to 65, who are we kidding

Bridget: Oh Mittens, that's so nice that you would prefer a "private insurance" cause then you get to shop around and stuff. Cause that's what we care about - choice, not being able to afford it at all.

Scott: Jim Lehrer needs a pellet gun.

Scott: It's becoming pretty clear who Jim is voting for.

Tim: It's becoming increasingly less clear who Romney's voting for. he seems like he's disappointed in all the options.

Bridget: I'm gonna name all the words I can see behind Obama while i'm bored by this bank stuff: pursuit, institute, the, are, liberty,

Tim: yes, it's an e e cummings poem:
They are liberty
the pan footed
new orleans institute pursuit
said the girl

Scott: I think Lehrer is playing some drinking or bingo game that hinges on identifying differences between the two.

Bridget: New Hampshire, Wisconsin

Tim: man anyone who had to drink whenever the word obamacare came up is passed out by now.

Bridget: Man, this is seriously the first time most americans listening might actually understand what Obamacare is. That's so sad.

Bridget: I wish this debate took place in a dark voided hall, where it was only the three of them, floating in zero gravity, the whispers blanked out around them.

Bridget: I'm supposed to freak out every time they mention Cleveland, right? Is that protocol?

Scott: Are we the only city to get name dropped so far? I count 3

Tim: what Romney would need to do right now to win my vote right now would be to utter "The 216" in place of "cleveland"

Scott: The 216 Clinic?

Bridget: I would vote for him if he lifted up his sleeve and had a tattoo of the Guardians from the Lorain Carnegie bridge

Bridget: Any time I think I might be swayed in the direction of states rights, I think of Arizona.

Bridget: I am going to have wet dreams tonight about "100,000 math and science teachers"

Tim: so Romney's task here is to win people over in Ohio, Virginia, Colorado, Nevada, New Hampshire, Florida, Wisconsin, and Iowa. And Obama's task is to win people over in... North Carolina? Right? seems pretty silly at this point.

Bridget: I’m in North Carolina. North Carolina doesn't give a shit.

Tim: oh by the way, Bridget, you and your friends in NC all have to vote for Romney. Scott and I have money on it on Intrade.

Scott: Yeah you should campaign for him.

Bridget: I think we've gone to 47 million on food stamps cause the hipsters decided it was okay and not shameful at all.

Scott: There's not really much taboo about welfare anymore, is there?

Bridget: nope. I know like 10 hipsters who have done it. I was so shocked the first time one told me they used food stamps.

Tim: I had a job once where I was expected to go on food stamps. That was their argument for not paying me more. "Can't you get food stamps?"

Bridget: The best closing statement from Mittens would be " We Are Marshall!"

Tim: is anyone else opposed to this whole idea of having debates? I think anyone who doesn't have a pretty clear idea of who they want to vote for by October probably shouldn't participate in the democracy thing.

Scott: Obama's answer to "How will you address bipartisanship?":
"Fuck bipartisanship, I'm done with those assholes."

Tim: I'm really hoping someone will say "60% of the time, it works all the time." I don't care which economic statistic or government program it's in reference to

Bridget: North Carolina reference! Minnesota! Toledo! Detroit! (closing statements are really where state bingo gets intense)

Tim: just wait until Jay Z debuts in the VP debate. He'll tell it like it is when it comes to bipartisanship. "you know i bleed blue, but i ain't a crip though."

Scott: Mitt's... using his closing statement as a plug for the other debates?

Bridget: Okay i need a cigarette. Who do we think won?

Tim: Nader

Tim: do we get a david brooks analysis now?

Bridget: Tim, do you follow David Brooks on twitter?

Tim: I would never lend my tacit support to a canadian like that
Tim: is that racist?

Bridget: yes

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