Red Wine, Weiner Dogs, and The Vice Presidential Live Blog

courtesy of Salon.com

8:47pm Hey guys! So tonight is the Vice Presidential debate and I'll be sitting here judging these two contenders by the only standard needed for a Vice President - who's more of a slut. This will be particularly interesting because I actually visualize the candidates more like this...

8:58 I am thoroughly disgusted with the networks inability to offer any warmup to these things besides that weird Christina Applegate show no one watches.

9:01 Why are they letting them sit? NO FAIR. Make them stand and sweat. If it were up to me, this would be a dance off.I don't know who Martha Radatz is, but at least they have to respect her cause she's a woman.

The Vice President debate is like, the funny halftime show with Madonna and Will.I.Am.

I like how both the presidential candidates wore solid color ties, and these guys are both wearing STRIPES. Cause this is all casual and cool and shit. Hence the CHAIRS.

ooooh....Ryan is taking notes. That's kinda hot. I love note takers. Unless he's just drawing pictures of himself shirtless.

9:10 And Biden has uttered his first " MALARKEY"

I do not care about dead ambassadors. TALK ABOUT WOMENS HEALTH YOU SHITHEADS

MARTHA YOU ARE A WOMAN, WHAT THE HELL

9:15 Hey Ryan, answer the question about Iran. Hey Ryan, answer the question about Iran. Hey Ryan, answer the question about Iran. Hey Ryan, answer the question about Iran. Hey Ryan, answer the question about Iran.

I have completely lost track of what Ryan is saying. What is he saying? We need to befriend the ayatollahs on facebook? And then prove them we are good girlfriends? What?

Oh Biden, don't explain to us about how to make a nuclear weapon. You know Ryan doesn't believe in your "science".

9:20 I do like that Biden is basically Obama's pit bull. I like that Obama always hires blustery assholish white guys to back him up. Also I like that they are calling each other "my friend" every other minute.

Dear Ryan, spinning the centrifuges faster doesn't make a bomb. Just like rape doesn't prevent pregnancy.

Wait, is Biden calling the prime minster of Israel by a nickname?

9:25 Oh good, let's talk more about jobs. I don't think we covered that enough in the first debate.

I don't even HAVE a job right now, and I'd like to talk about something else.

Wouldn't it be great if Biden had just actually said " We're going to level the middle class" , cause who gives a shit about playing fields.

Aimee: she looks like ... like experimental plastic surgery 
so i can't really focus on what she's saying 
me: Aww, she's just old and covered with makeup 
Aimee: LET ME JUDGE, CALLAHAN. LET ME JUDGE

9:30 There is no way Scranton and that whatever Wisconsin town are anything alike. Because Wisconsin is full of people drunk on cheese. It makes for different architecture.

Mitt Romney is not a car guy. I bet he doesn't even know where an oil filter is. Also why is Mitt Romney giving free college educations away only to people who go to his church who he doesn't even know, which is weird for mormons right? Hey Mitt, I will become a mormon if you will pay for my tuition please.

I also love that they keep accusing the Republicans of putting things on the credit card. I want to sleep with whatever staffer came up with that.

Everyone should be drinking when one of them says "My Friend here..."

9:35 OH MY GOD Biden just pulled the grandpa move " I WISH HE WOULD JUST.....be a little more candid." 

9:40 God I wish they would just let Biden do every vote (edit: I meant debate, obvs) from now on. In chairs. With scotch.

So the medicare voucher is like a pension buyout? Is that it? I just had horrible steel mill flashbacks.

Aimee: i like that when biden is in total disagreeance, his laughs and stares at the ceiling like his constituent is on the phone and not right next to him 
me: like he's on a conference call? 
Aimee: exactly. 
me: he wouldn't be wearing pants under that desk then 
Aimee: were they told to look directly at each other as little as possible?

I think Biden is avoiding Ryan's watery stare because he's scared of the little vampire visiting him later if he lets him get control of his will.

9:45 Wow, both of them are completely disproving my Women Moderators Get Respect theory

Ryan doesn't understand that his definition of "middle class" is completely incredible, and therefore he should stop saying it.

Just so you all know, and I thought we covered this last election, 250,000 is not middle class. NOT MIDDLE CLASS.

Aimee: he looked right at me and said "watch out, middle class." you were right about the vampire theory.

9:50 Someone start a band called Loopholes and Deductions

I can't believe I watch these things, and like 80% of how I'm judging the winner or loser is just by who is the best male posturer, and part of me RESPECTS that, cause I get the artistry of it, but at some point can't we just have bare knuckle boxing? Or like the scene in Indiana Jones with the shots in the Tibetan pub. Let's do that. Let's also have Nazis in on this. And BRANDING.

10:00 All these numbers Ryan is throwing out about defense? They are all about 50 times as much as PBS costs.

I gotta say that logically what Biden's saying about the military wanting more streamlined forces makes sense. I mean, we have robots. We have lots of robots. WE HAVE SO MANY ROBOTS. So if I was a general, I would want less fleshies, and MORE ROBOTS.

Scott thinks Biden is getting too aggressive towards Martha. Aimee thinks Biden is hitting on Martha. I think this whole liveblog needs more dogs, but wordfaire won't load all the amazing weiner dogs pictures I found for Just This Occasion.

I can't believe America doesn't want to just KEEP Afghanistan. It's such PRIME territory.

Ryan seems to have a lot of "friends" in the military,

In 2014, The Vampires Rise.

hahahahahaha Ryan just said EMBOLDEN. This whole thing is now the poison scene in the Princess Bride.

Aimee: I think Martha is sassing Ryan because he looks like a high school student who needs sassing. 
me: that's kinky

10:10 Every time Biden yells out "The Afghans!" I can only pictures dogs and blankets.

According to Aimee, it does in fact, snow in Afghanistan, so all that fighting season stuff wasn't complete bunk, but for some reason it's making it very Lion Witch Wardrobe.

Scott: This fucking guy needs a haircut

Most Likely to Be a Sponsor of Terrorism is the next yearbook category

 Scott, who? Eddie Munster?

Erin "how can I comment on your live chat? Ryan said Russia Reset! Russia Reset? What is that? Some kind of CIA code? Scares me a bit."

It's all in code Erin. Mayan code.

I'M SO GLAD SHE BROUGHT UP ABORTIONS TO THE TWO CATHOLICS. THIS WILL END WELL. WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST BRING MY MOM ON?

Scott: I stopped paying attention for a minute. What the fuck are we getting emotional about?

Scott: This is the sort of garbage that proves democracy is a failed concept

Ryan just pulled out the whole "My faith is justified by reason and science and that's why it would have sucked if my wife killed my daughter and I wasn't able to call her this terrible stupid nickname I probably just made up for this debate." 

Scott: We have nicknamed our first unborn child "Bean". Jesus christ

When the fuck are people going to understand that population control is complete necessary?

This is the best moment, because GUESS WHAT, there are no more Catholics, so fuck them.

Aimee: Biden just looked at me with pity since I am sitting here listening to this

Okay, listen up Catholics. You would not be dying as a religion if you admitted that half of your people support gay rights and are pro-choice anyway, cause they are upper middle class educated white people. And you would get more tithes if you started a twitter account where you made lighthearted Christian jokes and took instagram pictures of priests making silly faces. God, I am embarrassed by the entire tone of all of this.

Scott: Whatshername wants to take the last five minutes of the debate to just motherfuck everybody involved all up and down town.

Aimee: i am reeeeeally excited for ryan's children to be gay and/or pregnant out of wedlock. 
me: Ryan can't have children, he thinks oral is the same as fucking

Scott: Anybody who's still watching is at least five beers deep, except the live bloggers for real web sites who will arbitrarily decide a winner and create a 5% movement in the polls tomorrow.

10:25 Everyone, if he says My Friend one more time, chug whatever you're drinking

I have SO MUCH better eyebrows than Ryan.

Scott: Ryan has SO MUCH better p90x than you do.

Aimee: unfortunately, Bridget, he already has children. 
me: lies 
Aimee: they may be beans, but i have faith they will fuck up their lives somehow. 
me: maybe they are beans cause they are not abortion if you keep the fetus? 
Aimee: ... because it's not abortion if you keep the fetus? 
me: NOPE 
Aimee: I have learned so much this evening.

 Scott, I would survive a nuclear winter better.

Scott: Bridget, only because, as you've already admitted, you'd be banking on my impenetrable self to bail you out.

Scott: Everybody would be paying so much more attention right now if there was a cage match afterward

They should both have to do their closing statements in Wu Tang lyrics

10:31  I can't trust Ryan cause he looks like a guy I took acid with once who insisted I shave his head while in the middle of the trip, and then got mad the next morning when it was all uneven.

 Okay, I feel like Ryan's closing statement was a ShamWow commercial

Scott: I fucking hope that these "Democratic Strategists" have learned that the first thing you do when a debate is over is call your candidate the winner.

Scott: Ray. When someone asks if you are a God, you say YES