Monday, August 20, 2012

Let Me Tell You All The Things My Vagina Can Do



Things My Vagina Can Do

 -sleepeat
 -hide my keys out of spite
 -secrete a raccoon repellent
 -recite Sunday Morning in a perfect lilted Connecticut accent
 -predict global grain markets by the direction of the wind
 -reject any incoming lovers that it senses don't like the show Louie
 -nurse small kittens back to health
 -grow to 200 times it's original size and chase cars
 -convert all dimes to Canadian
 -guard me from mean people
 -sing both parts to Islands in the Stream at the same time
 -judge books by their covers
 -chew through plastic sales tags
 -drink more than three Manhattans without getting gaudy
 -shed it's teeth every three months to avoid dentist appointments
 -change it's scent based on it's opinion of your ipod list

 Things My Vagina Can Not Do

 -decide which sperm it's gonna let knock it up

stupid vagina.

3 comments:

  1. Thank you, Bridget. You are now my best friend. I'll be sending my regrets to Mr. Akin after I finish posting this comment.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's fun to think of the cultural or ideological differences we'd see in the world if the reverse was true.

    Science fiction, right there.

    ReplyDelete

Who wants to fuck the Editors?