Monday, August 20, 2012

Let Me Tell You All The Things My Vagina Can Do

Things My Vagina Can Do

 -hide my keys out of spite
 -secrete a raccoon repellent
 -recite Sunday Morning in a perfect lilted Connecticut accent
 -predict global grain markets by the direction of the wind
 -reject any incoming lovers that it senses don't like the show Louie
 -nurse small kittens back to health
 -grow to 200 times it's original size and chase cars
 -convert all dimes to Canadian
 -guard me from mean people
 -sing both parts to Islands in the Stream at the same time
 -judge books by their covers
 -chew through plastic sales tags
 -drink more than three Manhattans without getting gaudy
 -shed it's teeth every three months to avoid dentist appointments
 -change it's scent based on it's opinion of your ipod list

 Things My Vagina Can Not Do

 -decide which sperm it's gonna let knock it up

stupid vagina.


  1. Thank you, Bridget. You are now my best friend. I'll be sending my regrets to Mr. Akin after I finish posting this comment.

  2. It's fun to think of the cultural or ideological differences we'd see in the world if the reverse was true.

    Science fiction, right there.


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