Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Ew Cougars

"Wasn't there a football team somewhere that had to stop using the name Cougars because people thought it might be offensive to women who call themselves cougars?"

"I hate that term. First of all, I hate it when anyone decides they are going to call themselves, identify their whole lives, by one sexual preference. Like, aren't you a fucking person? Don't you have other parts of your life that define you besides the fact you like sleeping with young hot guys? GUESS WHAT we all like sleeping with young hot guys. I mean, most of us. The majority of people on the planet. It's not a fetish. We would never be okay with it if a bunch of old guys who only like sleeping with young girls starting calling themselves the Leopards, and wearing Leopard on the ass of their sweatpants in glitter. And I guess I think if you find yourself in the later years of your life, and you're incapable of getting into a stable relationship with someone of your own age and experience, I think it's fucking sad. Because I'm only 33 and I can barely stand to have a conversation with most 22 yr old guys I know. And I would hope by the time I'm 55 I feel the same way about 33yr olds. Because I want to get smarter and more interesting, not regress back to only caring about base desires and having that addiction define my entire social life. 

You know who ought to be most insulted by the term? Actual cougars. They are an endangered species, and instead of anyone giving a shit, we don't even let them have their name anymore, like if someone says cougar we don't immediately think of a majestic predator, we think of a bony overly made up desperate mom in brightly patterned tunics like a baboon ass, squeezed into some cheap victoria's secret lace and spanx. I'm sure the actual cougars would love a hot young guy to munch on too. I would like to see a Cougar and a cougar have to fight it out over some of the guys in my orientation class."

note: could every guy over 30 please just cut their hair? Please? It's hard enough as it is. 


  1. First off, I would pay good money to see a bunch of old guys wearing sweatpants with "Leopard" on the ass in glitter.

    Secondly, the original cougar = Mrs. Robinson.

    And lastly, at the advanced age of 47, I have no desire to bed a "young hot guy." I might make him a ham sandwich and ask him how school was today, but that's about the extent of it.

  2. And one more thing (because I cannot sleep), fiftysomething Lester Holt is the hottest thing on wheels.

  3. Ahem: Bridget Callahan hates the Gays.

  4. Bridget hates the People Who Define Their Entire Social Lives By Sex.

    Ahem, AS, Ahem.


Who wants to fuck the Editors?