Upon Awakening

It's funny how heartbreak works when you're in a cycle with someone. First there's the crying, lots of it. Then there's the "lets keep fighting with each other so we're at least talking to each other part." Next comes the post-break knife, the moment when he does something that makes you realize he doesn't care about you at all. At which point you board the crazy train of hurt and want to ruin him. Usually there's the "I can't believe I actually dated this asshole, what was wrong with me" self hatred, buried in there, which can lead to some super crazy cause what else do you have to lose, right? And finally, there's the moment of "fuck this guy. Let him do whatever he wants. I'm better off."

In the past, I would have expected the crazy train to last at least a week. This time around it was just about 48 hours. I woke up this morning completely utterly hungover, maybe still drunk, and not hurt at all. In fact, I woke up pretty excited about the new writing project. I woke up with this great novel plot in my head, and a title for the new blog, and composing sentences. I woke up determined to turn this crap into something readable, to not waste this.

And then I got this great email from Sean which was all like, everything you've said is a lie, go see a therapist, I want you to have a happy life, I will take action to protect myself from you only because everything you're saying is lies and if it was the truth I wouldn't care at all because I'd just be sad about it, I love you and if you hadn't believed those rumours we'd probably still be together.

Yeah, cause the rumour, the one little rumour, is what ruined things between us.

Actually, it said about ten more very thick paragraphs as well. I was going to post it just so you could read it yourself. But really, like most of his writing, it's pretty boring and redundant. With Sean, you get the same lines over and over again.

So this, you know, is the time I realized that this guy was a little more off the wall than I was. It's the final snapshot, the slow developing Polaroid of his distortion. I mean, yeah, I left more than enough very nasty messages over the last 48 hours. Oh, I was a complete bitch. But he's incapable of understanding how much he hurt me, and he can't even comprehend the kind of anger I had, because he'll never see what he did to me as wrong. His reality is self-defined. He sees himself as the victim in all of this. So I'm not going to beat myself up over being crazy for a few days. I'm just going to feel good about getting it out of my system.

I'd like to thank Jere and Colleen for hanging out with me last night, it was a good out. First there was Eric's band at 806, and then Matinee for dancing, sort of. It was a nice, regular night. It was the beginning of a nice, regular summer. And I forgot how much more creative I feel when I'm not tangled up in Sean's depression and drama.