The Expense of Going Crazy

, originally uploaded by sharpshinyclaws.

This S. thing has either gotten out of control or gotten in control, depending on which way you want me to argue it.

1) He's been out every night with different girls since the moment he dumped me. Which, by the way, was only a few weeks ago.

2) In between going out all night with this myriad of single desperate over 30 bar sluts, he's been telling me how much he loves me and misses me, and how none of these other girls matter to him. Because the fact that he hasn't kissed any of them, only had them sleeping at his house in their underwear and staying out with them till 7am, is the fact that matters.

3) He's also telling everyone how depressed and hurt he is over me. 'Cause I did anything to warrant getting dumped by text message and then shit on like this. Remember, he's the victim here. Remember, it's not like I've forgiven him 6 times over the past three weeks only to have him do the exact same thing to me I forgave him for, like a mutated version of our fucking relationship on meth.

4) He's also established that no matter how much I beg and plead for him to not tell something to someone, he will. Because I don't matter to him even a 15th as much as his own reputation does. Even accepting that he doesn't love me anymore, I now have to accept that he will also hurt me anytime he feels like it if he wants something that conflicts with my begging and pleading, or even human decency. I have to accept that I cannot trust him. That's actually harder than the love thing.

5) As a second example of his deluded "what did I do?"ness, please see the part where I invited him to the Art Museum wing opening a month ago, when we were together, and he told me he wasn't interested. Then he showed up with 4 girls, and spent as much time as possible with his arm around one particular girl. He then showed up at my house Sunday and told me how much he loved me and she didn't matter. What?

6) This weekend sent me spiralling into a crazy hate tornado. Several very good ideas came out of that tornado, most of them having to do with his complete destruction. See, I can't hurt him emotionally (because he is a sociopath when it comes to me) and I can't hurt him physically because I'll get arrested. The financial destruction option is very appealing, however i've been begging him to quit that job for years, so it would ultimately be better for him.

7) This leaves humiliation. I fully intend to follow my current mission of throwing a drink on him whenever I see him, but I recognize this will eventually get boring, plus its a waste of alcohol. So I've settled on comedy. Website is forthcoming. I have to research slander laws first. I did get the domain name going though.

8) The thing is, I know this is crazy and also sad. But crazy and sad can be very funny and true. I feel I should get something out of the waste of the last 7 years of my life. I have a lot of fodder. And the creative juices are more often bitter than sweet, darling. So I'm considering this summer project my alimony.

9) It would be best if you just shook your head and didn't say anything. No, seriously. If you saw my eyes right now, you'd understand. Anything that prevents me from keying his car is ultimately better for me. And fuck him. The thing is, I can't keep responding to his texts or calls expecting him to suddenly stop lying to me, and he is lying to me. He's insisting on how much he cares for me while doing things that show he really doesn't. I'm sitting here unable to eat, chainsmoking, drinking, and avoiding people. Crying at Jennifer Aniston movies. He's out every night flirting from day one. He says it's because even though he's so hurt, he still has to live his life. He delivered that line like he was going to war. So all that's going to happen is the same crap. And, while apparently I'm not pretty enough, or cow eyed adoring enough anymore, I am, and will always be, a fucking good writer. He's a character, and he had a choice of what kind of character he wanted to be.