And all through the state
The Dems were all anxious
To end their long wait.
The machines are geared up
The volunteers trained
There'd be lots more voters
If it hadn't just rained
Cause Democrats melt in the rain
Like candy.
Yes darlings, it's the calm before the storm here in Lovely Ohio. The stars are twinkling, the snow is melting, hoards of Obama supporters are dancing to a free Arcade Fire concert, and Hillary is on the Daily Show. Because look! They're hip! They know where America gets its news! Myspace, Facebook, Comedy Central. This is old news, why bother restating it? But hey, here's a cultural turning point! Did anyone notice how completely non-influential MTV was this time round? Remember Vote Or Die? Wait, that didn't work. Fuck you MTV, you are the TV equivalent of Gogurt. Obama raised 139 million trillion dollars and he has never resorted to endorsing gang violence. Also I have decided I like Hillary a lot more when she's not smiling like a creepy marionette. I have trouble believing she knows how to smile. When she's not smiling though, I have no trouble believing she would ground me. Which is a presidential quality.
I have practiced what I will say to the exit pollsters. I have two speeches prepared, one in case I vote for Hillary, and one for Obama. But sadly, they will be lost to obscurity, cause no one in the media cares what the voters on Denison and Pearl have to say. I will say them to myself over and over again until I vote, to try and convince myself either way.
There is a book that came out recently about the science of elections, and what are the best, most effective methods of voting the majority candidate. When you have to choose one out of many, the most popular person doesn't really win. What the author suggests is that we should have a system like Hot Or Not, where we rank the choices in terms of who we like best to least. And whoever has the highest cumulative score wins.
I dream of a day where I do not have to wake up at seven am and drive to some school cafeteria, but can vote online and be done with it. And maybe, like American Idol, we can vote by text too! And tax all the fuckers who stay home!
Happy Election Day Texas and Ohio! And whoever the other two are.
And in other more important news, Norway is already operating the bomb proof, earthquake proof, meteor proof underground in the permafrost ARTIC CIRCLE SEED VAULT
which is the secret criminal lair of this heinous villian:
PS Yes the Doomsday Seed Vault is being guarded by a GIANT ICE BEAR.
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