Bridget Callahan is Your Best Friend

Today I pushed Sean into the crazy side of bad. If his name isn't in here too much more, I'd like to state for posterity that I am genuinely crazy and it isn't his fault. I mean, crazy is crazy. There's not a lot of things you can do to deal with it. You all think I'm blaming myself more than I should. I'm telling you straight up, I'm pyscho. I should never ever have a romantic relationship with another human being. Coincidentally, I read the part today where Miller realizes he is inhuman and proud of it. I don't know if I'm proud, but then again, I haven't published a novel yet. Maybe if some sort of good can come out of being inhuman, I'll appreciate it more. Otherwise, its just a waste of other people's time. You can only get away with crazy if you're also a proven genius. Or saint. And I'm definitely not a nice person, so sainthood is out.

Today I spent three hours at work reading about Superstringytheory and trying like hell to, you know, really get it.

Today I actually considered going back into to school to major in math. Cause I'm terrible at math. So shouldn't I go back to school to become decent at something important, rather than stroking my ego with the things I'm already good at? I mean, I know how to read. I know how to write well. I know how to run a board meeting. Physics is my mid life crisis frontier.

My problem with my career is that I simply am not capable of seeing school as some neccesary evil to make more money, because I can't concieve of anything in school that I'm going to learn that will make me a better employee. I already have all those skills. Most of them are simple common sense and an ability to think quickly on your feet. So why pay all that money and time to get a degree that doesn't do something to change my life? On a pyschological level.

No seriously, I'm mentally retarded at math. I'm not exagerrating. I can't do division or multiplication at all, even on paper. I have trouble adding. I can't look at them like numbers, I only see words that I don't understand. But I want to understand string theory. I mean, its actually an important thing. I feel like the sodomized sailor who wants to become a priest. I have to approach math like learning a new language.

Not being able to completely understand and instantly grasp complex physics just by reading it, like I do with everything else in my life, makes me ashamed.

And its important. Its important to know the difference between a boson and a fermion.

It drove me even more crazy when I found a website that gives you the basics of string theory, blackholes, and quantum mechanics. Then it quizzes you after each article. Of course I got perfect scores....but I still don't understand it! I am painfully aware of NOT GETTING IT. I could probably write a freshman college essay on the damn stuff, but thats NOTHING. Its what kindergartdners would understand, if we gave them a chance. They would probably get it better than me, because their mind isn't full of middle eastern politics.