Rock The Cradle: The Live Blog

I think I saw this guy perform once on Public Access

This is a format I stole directly from my favorite music blog, Status Aint Hood. Since I'm at home alone tonight, and have been watching Y Gen soaps all day (One Tree Hill, The O.C., America's Next Top Model, The Office), what else have I got to do? Before we do this, let me ask this...Does anyone find Tyra attractive anymore? I mean, are there people who want to sleep with her? Because she seems like the type of person who puts superglue in your contact lens solution.

10:00pm

This show seems determined to make Eddie Money look like an evil son of a bitch, cause they keep showing clips of him yelling at Jesse. The best part of this whole deal is watching the interaction of the kids and their parents. Based on the editing of the opening review clips, I'm gonna guess Chloe “I sing like a hawk” Lattanzi is out tonight.

This host, Ryan, is SO awkward. He's wearing a plaid shirt. Who does that? That came and went and came again and went again. He hunches over when he's trying to Seacrest it too much.

Jesse Money and Lucy Walsh are going to duke it out before this is over. Maybe that can be a spin-off. Maybe their dads can get in on that. My MONEY is on EDDIE.

The theme tonight is “Parent's Pick.” This should be good. I wonder who Olivia Newton John chose. It would absolutely fabulous if she chose a Nick Cave song. Didn't he write a novel that took place in a barren desert like Australia? God, that was a fucked up book.

10:10pm

Jesse Blaze Snider is doing “Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol. First, he is for sure gay. Second, when he sings “In the midnight hour”, the last word sounds like he's got his toe stuck in a bear trap. Obviously Dad was trying to make his son seem cooler to Belinda Carlisle, who thought his song last week was “sacrilege”. Well, this is too. I know he's a Green Day boy, why can't he just sing that? Or "Pretty Fly For A White Guy"?

Belinda gave him an 8.5. Or rather, she gave Billy Idol a 8.5.

Larry just told him it was like “Rockstar Karaoke.” Someone's got an inside product tip.

Dee Snider LOVES his son. This kid could eat poop and he would be proud. He's the only parent who is sincerely exuberant about their child. The rest seemed vaguely embarrassed.

10:20pm

Lara Johnston got into every school ever. She's deferring for a year because of her “music career”.

Tom Johnston picked “Respect” for her. I cannot remember what band he's from.

This girl sings without actually starting or ending any of her words. She yells everything. “Whip it to me when you get home”? Is that actually in that song? She would probably be okay if she wasn't trying so hard to sing like a gospel singer. It's like she suffers an inferiority complex from being small and white.

Oh God, Belinda just called her an “old soul”. She's dead to me. Jamie King replaces her by scoring her a six, his ear infection must have cleared up.

10:26pm

Ryan just said “welcome back to the worlds finest genetic talent show.”

Also, MC Hammer is apparently now an “MTV icon”.

10:30pm

McHammer chose “Killing Me Softly” for his daughter. At least he's really got his daughter's career in mind. This is easily a viral clip. Everyone loves this song. Even though there's a girl who works with me who sings better at our office parties.

She gets low scores because of her OUTFIT. I don't think Daddy is going to let her show any cleavage.

10:30 pm

Kenny Loggins picked a Gavin DeGraw song I've never heard of for Crosby to sing. First the name, now this song.

Oh God, its the One Tree Hill theme song.

I guess we know what Kenny does on Thursdays afternoons too.

Crosby needs to channel his inner James Taylor. That's who he is.

The judge June desperately wants to sleep with him.

Larry just asked a very existential question, “20 people at a coffeeshop, 20,00 people at Madison Square Garden, where do you want to be?”. I bet Crosby is going to drink a lot over that question.

10:42pm

Bobby Brown picked “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder for..what's his name? Langdon?

This guy has no pitch. I think Bobby is wearing sequined ICP clowns on his t-shirt. Also this guy should be kicked off simply for wearing his jeans down below his tighty whiteys.

10:53pm

Al B.Sure's son is singing Maxwell. Lil' B. Sure is actually a soprano. Or a eunuch. It seems very very cruel to be doing this to him.

Belinda says he has to stop grabbing his crotch. He can't, his ghost balls are itching.

Al B. Sure has nothing good to say about the performance.

11:03pm

Lucy Walsh, “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper. She is really playing up this “my dad is not around and I'm a martyr.” She doesn't need to do it, she's obviously better than any other contestant. But Look! Joe Walsh is here tonight! He refuses to sit in the parents box, and he wouldn't let them shine a spotlight on him, but hey, when she leaves him a message on his cellphone on national television, guilt tripping him about not seeing her perform, then he shows up, like a real dad. A real dad who has been bullied by his spoiled daughter into not humiliating him on MTV.

11:08pm

Chloe and Jesse Money are standing up there, Jesse looks so comfortable that she's going to win, Chloe's about to cry. Then WHOA, Jesse's leaving! America hates Eddie Money! They love Tim Burton!
Actually, I guess we already knew that.

Chloe sings “I Hate Everything About You” by Three Days Grace. Wait, is that a Christian band? I think I just got it. Olivia chose it for her because she said it was her daughter's favorite song during a bad breakup she went through. See, Olivia is the nicest person ever. Her daughter sings like Marilyn Manson.

Wow, Chloe knocked this out of the water. But the judges still hate her.

She's standing up listening to the judges, and she has a piece of hair stuck in her mouth that she hasn't taken out yet. Oh wait, there we go.

Well,it's over and Jesse “Blaze” Snider wins. He was born to be on American Idol. Why is he wasting his time on this shit?