The Ant Wars

I am having ant troubles. I thought at first my biggest enemies here were mosquitoes, but now that it's cooled down a bit, turns out I am an ant delicacy. Not little black ants. No, angry vengeful red ants. They can't get enough of me.

I discovered this first while I was waiting at the bus stop on campus. It was hot, I was wearing ballet slippers and a dress. I'm standing there waiting, sweating buckets, uncomfortable and itchy because I'm kinda allergic to my own sweat, which calls into question my very judgement in moving anywhere South instead of, I don't know, Nova Scotia. I could be herding sheep in Nova Scotia, but instead I'm a fat girl sweating my ass off in a half polyester dress in North Carolina. Whatevs. So I'm standing there, and I feel something on my cheek, and when I go to brush it off, I find a red ant on my hand. Then I give myself a glance, and notice that in fact I am crawling with ants. They are all over my legs. They are crawling down my bra straps. I freak out and start pouring my little water bottle all over my feet. I am covered with hard little red bumps for a week, on my stomach and inside my thighs and everywhere, it's gross. 

So I stop standing at the bus stop. 

Then last week I got drunk, and a friend came back home with me one night and we stayed up talking in my backyard late. I felt nothing. The next morning though, there were 8 little hard red bumps on my shoulder, and three more on my stomach, and one on my chest, and basically they had been crawling on me all night. That morning I took a good hard look at the patio, and found ant hills everywhere. Which I was relieved about, cause one of my NYC friends had suggested bed bugs, and I was just about to kill myself. 

My friend on twitter suggested the use of something called dia-something or other earth, I can't even pronounce. 

My other friend said I should burn everything. Napalm that shit. 

But Melissa had the best suggestion. She thinks I should capture a tribe of bus stop ants, and transplant them to the backyard colony, and let them slaughter each other. 

I wonder who would win? The rough and tumble bus stop ants, who scrounge on the side of the asphalt for their very existence?

Or the more civilized, large colony of domestic backyard ants, who have more to lose, and are probably more organized, but maybe not as bloodthirsty?

Maybe their reliance on organization will be their downfall, like the redcoats. 

And how many ants should I bring over? How large of a brigade would it take to give the bus stop ants a fighting chance?

Also what if all of Wilmington is just one large ant colony, and all that happens is some of the bus stop ants get chastised for being off base, and some paperwork gets filled out, and these damn things never die?

Red Wine, Weiner Dogs, and The Vice Presidential Live Blog

courtesy of Salon.com

8:47pm Hey guys! So tonight is the Vice Presidential debate and I'll be sitting here judging these two contenders by the only standard needed for a Vice President - who's more of a slut. This will be particularly interesting because I actually visualize the candidates more like this...

8:58 I am thoroughly disgusted with the networks inability to offer any warmup to these things besides that weird Christina Applegate show no one watches.

9:01 Why are they letting them sit? NO FAIR. Make them stand and sweat. If it were up to me, this would be a dance off.I don't know who Martha Radatz is, but at least they have to respect her cause she's a woman.

The Vice President debate is like, the funny halftime show with Madonna and Will.I.Am.

I like how both the presidential candidates wore solid color ties, and these guys are both wearing STRIPES. Cause this is all casual and cool and shit. Hence the CHAIRS.

ooooh....Ryan is taking notes. That's kinda hot. I love note takers. Unless he's just drawing pictures of himself shirtless.

9:10 And Biden has uttered his first " MALARKEY"

I do not care about dead ambassadors. TALK ABOUT WOMENS HEALTH YOU SHITHEADS

MARTHA YOU ARE A WOMAN, WHAT THE HELL

9:15 Hey Ryan, answer the question about Iran. Hey Ryan, answer the question about Iran. Hey Ryan, answer the question about Iran. Hey Ryan, answer the question about Iran. Hey Ryan, answer the question about Iran.

I have completely lost track of what Ryan is saying. What is he saying? We need to befriend the ayatollahs on facebook? And then prove them we are good girlfriends? What?

Oh Biden, don't explain to us about how to make a nuclear weapon. You know Ryan doesn't believe in your "science".

9:20 I do like that Biden is basically Obama's pit bull. I like that Obama always hires blustery assholish white guys to back him up. Also I like that they are calling each other "my friend" every other minute.

Dear Ryan, spinning the centrifuges faster doesn't make a bomb. Just like rape doesn't prevent pregnancy.

Wait, is Biden calling the prime minster of Israel by a nickname?

9:25 Oh good, let's talk more about jobs. I don't think we covered that enough in the first debate.

I don't even HAVE a job right now, and I'd like to talk about something else.

Wouldn't it be great if Biden had just actually said " We're going to level the middle class" , cause who gives a shit about playing fields.

Aimee: she looks like ... like experimental plastic surgery 
so i can't really focus on what she's saying 
me: Aww, she's just old and covered with makeup 
Aimee: LET ME JUDGE, CALLAHAN. LET ME JUDGE

9:30 There is no way Scranton and that whatever Wisconsin town are anything alike. Because Wisconsin is full of people drunk on cheese. It makes for different architecture.

Mitt Romney is not a car guy. I bet he doesn't even know where an oil filter is. Also why is Mitt Romney giving free college educations away only to people who go to his church who he doesn't even know, which is weird for mormons right? Hey Mitt, I will become a mormon if you will pay for my tuition please.

I also love that they keep accusing the Republicans of putting things on the credit card. I want to sleep with whatever staffer came up with that.

Everyone should be drinking when one of them says "My Friend here..."

9:35 OH MY GOD Biden just pulled the grandpa move " I WISH HE WOULD JUST.....be a little more candid." 

9:40 God I wish they would just let Biden do every vote (edit: I meant debate, obvs) from now on. In chairs. With scotch.

So the medicare voucher is like a pension buyout? Is that it? I just had horrible steel mill flashbacks.

Aimee: i like that when biden is in total disagreeance, his laughs and stares at the ceiling like his constituent is on the phone and not right next to him 
me: like he's on a conference call? 
Aimee: exactly. 
me: he wouldn't be wearing pants under that desk then 
Aimee: were they told to look directly at each other as little as possible?

I think Biden is avoiding Ryan's watery stare because he's scared of the little vampire visiting him later if he lets him get control of his will.

9:45 Wow, both of them are completely disproving my Women Moderators Get Respect theory

Ryan doesn't understand that his definition of "middle class" is completely incredible, and therefore he should stop saying it.

Just so you all know, and I thought we covered this last election, 250,000 is not middle class. NOT MIDDLE CLASS.

Aimee: he looked right at me and said "watch out, middle class." you were right about the vampire theory.

9:50 Someone start a band called Loopholes and Deductions

I can't believe I watch these things, and like 80% of how I'm judging the winner or loser is just by who is the best male posturer, and part of me RESPECTS that, cause I get the artistry of it, but at some point can't we just have bare knuckle boxing? Or like the scene in Indiana Jones with the shots in the Tibetan pub. Let's do that. Let's also have Nazis in on this. And BRANDING.

10:00 All these numbers Ryan is throwing out about defense? They are all about 50 times as much as PBS costs.

I gotta say that logically what Biden's saying about the military wanting more streamlined forces makes sense. I mean, we have robots. We have lots of robots. WE HAVE SO MANY ROBOTS. So if I was a general, I would want less fleshies, and MORE ROBOTS.

Scott thinks Biden is getting too aggressive towards Martha. Aimee thinks Biden is hitting on Martha. I think this whole liveblog needs more dogs, but wordfaire won't load all the amazing weiner dogs pictures I found for Just This Occasion.

I can't believe America doesn't want to just KEEP Afghanistan. It's such PRIME territory.

Ryan seems to have a lot of "friends" in the military,

In 2014, The Vampires Rise.

hahahahahaha Ryan just said EMBOLDEN. This whole thing is now the poison scene in the Princess Bride.

Aimee: I think Martha is sassing Ryan because he looks like a high school student who needs sassing. 
me: that's kinky

10:10 Every time Biden yells out "The Afghans!" I can only pictures dogs and blankets.

According to Aimee, it does in fact, snow in Afghanistan, so all that fighting season stuff wasn't complete bunk, but for some reason it's making it very Lion Witch Wardrobe.

Scott: This fucking guy needs a haircut

Most Likely to Be a Sponsor of Terrorism is the next yearbook category

 Scott, who? Eddie Munster?

Erin "how can I comment on your live chat? Ryan said Russia Reset! Russia Reset? What is that? Some kind of CIA code? Scares me a bit."

It's all in code Erin. Mayan code.

I'M SO GLAD SHE BROUGHT UP ABORTIONS TO THE TWO CATHOLICS. THIS WILL END WELL. WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST BRING MY MOM ON?

Scott: I stopped paying attention for a minute. What the fuck are we getting emotional about?

Scott: This is the sort of garbage that proves democracy is a failed concept

Ryan just pulled out the whole "My faith is justified by reason and science and that's why it would have sucked if my wife killed my daughter and I wasn't able to call her this terrible stupid nickname I probably just made up for this debate." 

Scott: We have nicknamed our first unborn child "Bean". Jesus christ

When the fuck are people going to understand that population control is complete necessary?

This is the best moment, because GUESS WHAT, there are no more Catholics, so fuck them.

Aimee: Biden just looked at me with pity since I am sitting here listening to this

Okay, listen up Catholics. You would not be dying as a religion if you admitted that half of your people support gay rights and are pro-choice anyway, cause they are upper middle class educated white people. And you would get more tithes if you started a twitter account where you made lighthearted Christian jokes and took instagram pictures of priests making silly faces. God, I am embarrassed by the entire tone of all of this.

Scott: Whatshername wants to take the last five minutes of the debate to just motherfuck everybody involved all up and down town.

Aimee: i am reeeeeally excited for ryan's children to be gay and/or pregnant out of wedlock. 
me: Ryan can't have children, he thinks oral is the same as fucking

Scott: Anybody who's still watching is at least five beers deep, except the live bloggers for real web sites who will arbitrarily decide a winner and create a 5% movement in the polls tomorrow.

10:25 Everyone, if he says My Friend one more time, chug whatever you're drinking

I have SO MUCH better eyebrows than Ryan.

Scott: Ryan has SO MUCH better p90x than you do.

Aimee: unfortunately, Bridget, he already has children. 
me: lies 
Aimee: they may be beans, but i have faith they will fuck up their lives somehow. 
me: maybe they are beans cause they are not abortion if you keep the fetus? 
Aimee: ... because it's not abortion if you keep the fetus? 
me: NOPE 
Aimee: I have learned so much this evening.

 Scott, I would survive a nuclear winter better.

Scott: Bridget, only because, as you've already admitted, you'd be banking on my impenetrable self to bail you out.

Scott: Everybody would be paying so much more attention right now if there was a cage match afterward

They should both have to do their closing statements in Wu Tang lyrics

10:31  I can't trust Ryan cause he looks like a guy I took acid with once who insisted I shave his head while in the middle of the trip, and then got mad the next morning when it was all uneven.

 Okay, I feel like Ryan's closing statement was a ShamWow commercial

Scott: I fucking hope that these "Democratic Strategists" have learned that the first thing you do when a debate is over is call your candidate the winner.

Scott: Ray. When someone asks if you are a God, you say YES

Cleveland Photo Contest!

OKAY SO I WROTE A BOOK.

 I had to get that out first.

 It's called 67 Things to Miss About Cleveland. And will be available for purchase November 15th.

 But now my editor is requesting I get photos for each thing on my list, and since I don't live in Cleveland myself anymore, I need some help.

 So here's the game. If you'd like to be published in my book, with photo credit, email me submissions at sharpshinyclaws@gmail.com, with a header explaining which Awesome Cleveland Thing your photo is for. You can also submit for more than one thing. I will pick my three favorite photos, and each winner will receive a free copy of the book! (note: I am self publishing, so three is probably the limit I'll be able to afford. I'm in SCHOOL darn it. Also, unfortunately I can't otherwise compensate photos that make it in. So this is for fun, darlings, not pay.)

 The deadline is November 1st, 2012. Good luck and happy shooting!

 Here's the list! You'll notice it's only 66 things. Because I've got 67 covered.


 67 Things To Miss About Cleveland

1. Cinematheque
2. Edgewater Beach
3. Chicken Fried Rice (Johnny Mango's)
4. ABC Tavern
5. The Grog Shop
6. The Beachland Ballroom
7. My Friends Deli
8. Wendy Park
9. Secret Beach
10. Fulton Bridge
11. Patti’s Taco Night (at Merry Arts)
12. The Capitol Theater
13. The Steel Mill
14. Day Boating
15. The Thunderstorm Watching Street
16. Night Boating
17. Pizza Bagels (WSM)
18. Tina’s Karaoke
19. Parking Garage on E. 6th
20. The Art Museum
21. Northcoast Beverage
22. Taking the Rapid Down Shaker Boulevard
23. Tower City at Night
24. East Coast Custard
25. St. Herman’s House of Hospitality
26. 480 Valley View Bridge
27. The Natural History Museum
28. The River Road Bridge
29. The Cleveland Zoo
30. The Arcade
31. The Pet Food store on Clark Ave. (and 54th)
32. Marta’s
33. Happy Dog
34. Windmills
35. Lava Lounge
36. The Ugly Broad
37. Rainbows in Parking Lots
38. The People Painted on the Side of Brookpark Lanes
39. Angelo’s Pizza
40. La Petit Triangle
41. Hessler Street
42. The West Side Market
43. Prosperity Social Club
44. Memphis Kiddie Park
45. Jack Frost Donuts
46. The Batting Cages (at Lost Nation Sports Park)
47. Virginia Kendall State Park
48. Mentor Headlands
49. Monroe St. Cemetery
50. The Telescope Factory (Warner Swasey)
51. Gypsy Bean coffeeshop
52. Thursdays Lounge on Saturdays
53. Velvet Tango Room
54. Downtown Cleveland library
55. Big Creek Parkway
56. Greenhouse Tavern
57. Nick’s Diner/Diana's Bakery (Storer and 46th)
58. The Towpath
59. Reddstone
60. The Lorain Carnegie Bridge
61. Cave Du Vin
62. Gibb’s Butcher Block
63. Rocky River Reservation
64. The Master Screw Building
65. The Cuyahoga River
66. Driving Out of Cleveland

Listen to Weezer's Only in Dreams or Pulp's Underwear While Reading This

Several things happened recently.
Last night, I feel like I did pretty well at standup. I was really happy with what happened at Orton's.
And right before Orton's, I had a conversation with a christian comic, who is a super nice guy and an amazing crowdworker so no disrespect to him at all, but he asked me if I was okay with guys checking out my chest all the time, and told me he thought I was "more valuable" than that.
Which is a super nice thing to say, right?
Only I am not responsible for other's actions.
And I really like the way I dress. I like my sense of fashion, I'm comfortable in it. And aesthetically, I like having my chest bare of anything, even necklaces, because I like the balance of flesh color and bright color, it makes me happy.
 So what do I care if guys look at it. I'm not flashing them. It's like looking at a much more attractive arm.
I mean, honestly, the way I look at some guys' arms...

Edit: Last night a very nice older guy told me I had to "get over" the thing where I don't like to hit on guys, I prefer to wait for people to hit on me. He told me I did this because I hadn't realized I was an "in demand product". I replied that I was 33 and very well aware of my value, but I know from experience that if a guy doesn't have the self-confidence to hit on me, he won't have the confidence to keep me interested 2 months later either.
This morning I thought about how Southern men have this tendency to assume I have issues where there are none, because they assume they know my motivations instead of asking me first "Why?".
I am calling this Compassionate Misogyny.
It's not like I don't have lots of issues, Gentlemen, you just keep misdiagnosing them. I'd be happy to tell you all about my actual issues, if you'd just ask.


I recorded a mini episode for the Awkward Sex Show, about being fat and being promiscuous.
Which I used to be, but not nearly as much these days, hardly at all these days, comparatively speaking. Anyway, I was dead tired when I recorded it, and it was suppose to be about one thing, but then I just got into this weird train of thought.
It's interesting to think about the dichotomy of personality.
I mean, I know I mention sex a lot. But what is the use of pretending that the world isn't sex obsessed? These are important things, the ideas you have about yourself and others and love.
But I listened to it, and for whatever reason my voice sounds great on it, and I thought "this is not the voice of some sassy but troubled girl, I sound sweet and nice. I sound like someone I would want to be friends with."
Which is a good thing to think about yourself probably.
I hate the word sassy so much, and my god, if you're a fat girl, you hear it all the time.
And I guess those would be the two femme sides of me, as Carey would say.
Xi insists I'm the femmest of the femme, and that bothers me.
Then there's the side of me that would like to eat this leftover pizza and watch Cabin in the Woods for the rest of the day.


This is the other thing that happened.
I was on the phone with the Prince this morning, and I mentioned I felt bad I hadn't kept up on the memorizing the Whitman poem we had agreed to learn together, Crossing Brooklyn Ferry.
And he just went straight into reciting the first three parts, I think?
It was a lot of it.
He recited, and I stood there in my pajamas on the back porch in the sun, birds in the background, and the murmur of neighbors a few fences over, and I was completely overwhelmed.
When he was done, I couldn't think of anything to say at all. I had a million things to say but nothing.
He asked if I was still there.
"I can't believe you've learned that much of it," I finally said.
"You also didn't have hours with your dog in the waiting room of the vet, or hours sitting on a boat."
 "Yeah, but you like, thought to do it."
"Well of course I have a copy of Leaves of Grass on the boat."


 So there's also the side of me that waits in the background, hoping someday I'm going to hear amazing things like that, in real life, and when it happens, I simmer with excitement, and have to share it immediately with everyone.

Drinking Through the Debate with Bridget, Scott, and Tim

---------------------------

Bridget: I was just flipping through channels and saw some animations for "The Main Event" and thought it was the debate, but it was professional wrestling.

Scott: Oh snap! It's on!

Bridget: I used to have such a crush on Jim Lehrer when I was a pubescent kid.

Scott: What's a debestic issue?

Bridget: It means they can't ask about drone wars.

Scott: So I guess I'll get this out of the way now. In the interest of full disclosure, in case the SEC or whoever it is that watches these things cares, I figure I'd better show my hand.
I'm currently holding shares in the following Electoral College races:
Indiana - Republican
New Hampshire - Democrat
Virginia - Democrat
Wisconsin - Democrat
I have short sold the following Electoral College races:
Colorado - Republican
Florida - Republican
Missouri - Democrat
New Hampshire - Republican
North Carolina - Democrat
Virginia - Republican
I've got a bunch of positions in Senate races as well, which may be subject to down-ticket boosts or drops based on the debate, but I don't think I'm required to share those as they're not directly related.

Bridget: I can't believe you are buying stock in election results.

Scott: Oh I'm gonna make some money, don't you worry.

Bridget: man, Obama's starting with the "sweetie, happy anniversary" crap

Scott: Yeah that's a little weak. He seems stumbly today.

Bridget: I feel like I've heard Obama's speech on jobs 17 million times by now.

Bridget: Does making Romney say "congratulations", is that a way of emasculating him? CAUSE IT FEELS THAT WAY

Scott: Romney should hire that lady who asked him for help to clean his house.
Scott: We can help you, babylady. Do you have papers and a mop?

Tim: my prediction for the Obama administration staffing change to be rolled out during the debate: Biden moved to Secretary of State, Jay Z moved to VP. I've got it on my bingo sheet.

Scott: Welcome to the party, Tim.

Tim: Thanks Scott.
Obama just made a big mistake. When he said "our corporate tax rate is too high" what he meant was, "The Corporate Tax Rate is Too Damn High!"
Was Jimmy McMillan not invited to this debate?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dt889tUZaLI

Scott: I think you have to get 15% of the last 4 polls. He was barely edged out, mostly due to 4th party spoilers throwing their votes away on Ron Paul.

Scott: Don't smirk, Barry. Nobody likes a smirker.

Bridget: Mitt looks surprised by what he's saying himself. Like, whoa! can you believe this?! Why is his upper lip so red?

Scott: Uhhh, what? He doesn't have an upper lip.

Bridget: hahahaha Obama just said "let's talk about taxes cause it's INSTRUCTIVE". Burn.

Tim: everyone drink if your bingo board says "Romney attempts to humanize himself by talking about poor people." Do you ever wonder if his campaign managers are worried that their main campaigning objectives have so much to do with the word "humanize"?

Scott: My god, we're 16 minutes in and I guarantee the only people in America still watching are live bloggers and drinking game players.

Tim: oh man you guys are already on the energy independence part? This internet link must be giving me everything about 2 minutes in the past. I blame obama.

Bridget: WHOA Mittens just got real upset.
Bridget: Mittens is acting like he just got accused of embezzling from the church fund. "What? I would never! My goodness!" I think he cares more about the tax code than anything else.

Tim: Obama pulls executive privilege by giving the "hold on a second" finger to the moderator! bam!

Bridget: "It's Math! It's Arithmetic!"

Scott: Bill Clinton! Drink!

Bridget: I have to pee. Are there commercial breaks during this thing?

Tim: the have a half time show i think. It's Carly Rae Jensen.

Scott: I don't know if defending "The Three Percent" of anything is a winning strategy for Mitt.

Scott: This guy just can't figure out what portion of the bottom 99% of America he doesn't give a shit about.

Bridget: So...Ohio, St. Louis. I wish I'd made a list of state name dropping for like, a bingo card.

Tim: I thin kthe main lesson to be gleaned from the "undecided colorado voter" line at the bottom of the screen is that men are much easier to appease politically. The women are all voting nader.

Bridget: Nader is hot.

Bridget: If we don't talk about healthcare even once tonight, I am going to be fucking pissed. Some of us care more about just tax code.

Tim: Obama clarifies that he wants to say something to the american people. All previous comments were to the canadians.
Tim: read: david brooks.
Tim (and carly rae jensen)

Bridget: Wait, so Romney just said job growth were slow last year, slower the year before. Doesn't that mean it's accelerating?
Also JIM LEHRER JUST GOT MAD

Bridget: Oh my god "is this social program worth borrowing from China?" Are you kidding me Mittens?

Scott: Hold the phones! Mitt Romney loves Big Bird!

Scott: Jim Lehrer seems a little reticent about bitch slapping the president like he did Mittens.

Tim: in all seriousness, it's ridiculous that they're talking about the budget deficit and not the trade deficit.
Also it conjures a really wonderful image of George Bush walking through the checkout at Wal-Mart every time Obama says he put two wars on the government credit card.

Scott: Obama is the first to name drop Reagan?

Tim: yeah Obama has a weird thing for the gipper though. He references him more than any other president I'll bet.

Bridget: okay Tim, Scott - how do you guys stand on Medicare?

Scott: Who knows, I'm uninsured.

Tim: I'm against all healthcare. we're overpopulated.

Bridget: "Current or near retirees you're safe" Romney just told me personally to fuck off.

Scott: He also told them to stop listening.

Tim: Romney goes after the elusive demographic of "Future People"... its a bold move, we'll see if it pays off.

Scott: It might work. The GOP has a lot of past people registered in Florida these days. Maybe future people is the next step.

Bridget: Man, old people should not be allowed to vote.

Scott: Or... run for president? Is that racist?

Scott: When I'm 65, I sure as fuck will not be running for president.

Tim: you're not making it to 65, who are we kidding

Bridget: Oh Mittens, that's so nice that you would prefer a "private insurance" cause then you get to shop around and stuff. Cause that's what we care about - choice, not being able to afford it at all.

Scott: Jim Lehrer needs a pellet gun.

Scott: It's becoming pretty clear who Jim is voting for.

Tim: It's becoming increasingly less clear who Romney's voting for. he seems like he's disappointed in all the options.

Bridget: I'm gonna name all the words I can see behind Obama while i'm bored by this bank stuff: pursuit, institute, the, are, liberty,

Tim: yes, it's an e e cummings poem:
They are liberty
the pan footed
goat
man
new orleans institute pursuit
said the girl

Scott: I think Lehrer is playing some drinking or bingo game that hinges on identifying differences between the two.

Bridget: New Hampshire, Wisconsin

Tim: man anyone who had to drink whenever the word obamacare came up is passed out by now.

Bridget: Man, this is seriously the first time most americans listening might actually understand what Obamacare is. That's so sad.

Bridget: I wish this debate took place in a dark voided hall, where it was only the three of them, floating in zero gravity, the whispers blanked out around them.

Bridget: I'm supposed to freak out every time they mention Cleveland, right? Is that protocol?

Scott: Are we the only city to get name dropped so far? I count 3

Tim: what Romney would need to do right now to win my vote right now would be to utter "The 216" in place of "cleveland"

Scott: The 216 Clinic?

Bridget: I would vote for him if he lifted up his sleeve and had a tattoo of the Guardians from the Lorain Carnegie bridge

Bridget: Any time I think I might be swayed in the direction of states rights, I think of Arizona.

Bridget: I am going to have wet dreams tonight about "100,000 math and science teachers"

Tim: so Romney's task here is to win people over in Ohio, Virginia, Colorado, Nevada, New Hampshire, Florida, Wisconsin, and Iowa. And Obama's task is to win people over in... North Carolina? Right? seems pretty silly at this point.

Bridget: I’m in North Carolina. North Carolina doesn't give a shit.

Tim: oh by the way, Bridget, you and your friends in NC all have to vote for Romney. Scott and I have money on it on Intrade.

Scott: Yeah you should campaign for him.

Bridget: I think we've gone to 47 million on food stamps cause the hipsters decided it was okay and not shameful at all.

Scott: There's not really much taboo about welfare anymore, is there?

Bridget: nope. I know like 10 hipsters who have done it. I was so shocked the first time one told me they used food stamps.

Tim: I had a job once where I was expected to go on food stamps. That was their argument for not paying me more. "Can't you get food stamps?"

Bridget: The best closing statement from Mittens would be " We Are Marshall!"

Tim: is anyone else opposed to this whole idea of having debates? I think anyone who doesn't have a pretty clear idea of who they want to vote for by October probably shouldn't participate in the democracy thing.

Scott: Obama's answer to "How will you address bipartisanship?":
"Fuck bipartisanship, I'm done with those assholes."

Tim: I'm really hoping someone will say "60% of the time, it works all the time." I don't care which economic statistic or government program it's in reference to

Bridget: North Carolina reference! Minnesota! Toledo! Detroit! (closing statements are really where state bingo gets intense)

Tim: just wait until Jay Z debuts in the VP debate. He'll tell it like it is when it comes to bipartisanship. "you know i bleed blue, but i ain't a crip though."

Scott: Mitt's... using his closing statement as a plug for the other debates?

Bridget: Okay i need a cigarette. Who do we think won?

Tim: Nader

Tim: do we get a david brooks analysis now?

Bridget: Tim, do you follow David Brooks on twitter?

Tim: I would never lend my tacit support to a canadian like that
Tim: is that racist?

Bridget: yes