Monday, November 19, 2012

Don't Ever Go Into the Basement

I finally found a place I want to work, more than any other place in this entire town.
The Serpentarium.
This place is AMAZING.
First, you walk in, and there’s this giant wall display about chemtrails and the government conspiracy to spray us with DEATH GUNK. Like, right in the lobby, with three large parrots. It's all chemtrails and Magellons, and pictures of weird sores people have gotten from secret chemicals in the air, or fibers under their skin. Death Gunk.
That’s the scientific term for it.

 Then you go through the dark low doorway into the snake and reptile galleries, and every exhibit has, you know, a little plaque next to it describing what kind of snake it is. Only the descriptions are really just stories about how many people and dogs that snake has killed, and next to the name there is a rating system of how poisonous each snake is, represented by SKULLS. So like, the black mamba is a 5 skull snake, the eyelash viper is 2 and a half.

At one point, this beautiful woman with an Eastern European accent emerged out of some back room, with a bowl full of bloody chicken parts, opened one of the cages, and took out this monitor lizard. She then proceeded to feed the lizard chicken pieces with a set of tongs, just sitting out in the hallway there, on this dirty carpet with tape and obviously tons of salmonella on it. Meanwhile, in the cage across from her, these other two giant monitor lizards can smell the blood and they’re going nuts scratching at the windows and wall to get out and get some.

The creepiest thing was how each snake was actively interested in you, like, it wanted to kill the fuck out of you. The green mamba was my favorite. It’s this beautiful delicate gorgeous thing, and every time I came near, it would stick it’s head directly in front of me and just stare me down, like sort of hovering in mid air, looking at me. After about ten minutes of this, I could see this light bulb flip on behind it’s evil reptile eyes, and the damn thing started coiling it’self up towards the ceiling, like, it knew there was some gap up there it could find, to get out and murder me.

I had this deep visceral reaction that every creature in there was my mortal enemy. I mean, they were beautiful and interesting, but also, nope, monsters. Murderous bloodthirsty barely sentient dinosaurs. Genetically, I am predisposed against things that don't give birth the same way as me. That's not really true...but it sorta is.

You know, I know its sad that all these creatures are locked up in these tiny places, and I really do feel sorry for them. But I get it. I mean, how else am I going to be able to look at them so closely? If there were aliens that came down and kidnapped me, and put me in a cage, I would totally understand if they just stood there staring at me like some marvelous beautiful creature.
Cause I’m vain as fuck.
And I bet snakes are vain as fuck too.

The only snake I didn’t get to see was the King Cobra,  he was hidden away.. The King Cobra is the only snake in the whole place that was so bad ass he was like, fuck this shit, I’m out, I’m just staying under this rock. The King Cobra doesn’t whore his shit out like those flashy pythons and dumb ass iguanas.

1 comment:

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