This place is AMAZING.
First, you walk in, and there’s this giant wall display about chemtrails and the government conspiracy to spray us with DEATH GUNK. Like, right in the lobby, with three large parrots. It's all chemtrails and Magellons, and pictures of weird sores people have gotten from secret chemicals in the air, or fibers under their skin. Death Gunk.
That’s the scientific term for it.
Then you go through the dark low doorway into the snake and reptile galleries, and every exhibit has, you know, a little plaque next to it describing what kind of snake it is. Only the descriptions are really just stories about how many people and dogs that snake has killed, and next to the name there is a rating system of how poisonous each snake is, represented by SKULLS. So like, the black mamba is a 5 skull snake, the eyelash viper is 2 and a half.
I had this deep visceral reaction that every creature in there was my mortal enemy. I mean, they were beautiful and interesting, but also, nope, monsters. Murderous bloodthirsty barely sentient dinosaurs. Genetically, I am predisposed against things that don't give birth the same way as me. That's not really true...but it sorta is.
Cause I’m vain as fuck.
And I bet snakes are vain as fuck too.
The only snake I didn’t get to see was the King Cobra, he was hidden away.. The King Cobra is the only snake in the whole place that was so bad ass he was like, fuck this shit, I’m out, I’m just staying under this rock. The King Cobra doesn’t whore his shit out like those flashy pythons and dumb ass iguanas.