Dear OK Cupid

A lot of you already know that I've been playing around on Twitter a lot, because I love Twitter. I mean, I love it more than almost anything. There is so much WEIRD on there, like Dogs Doing Things  or Death E-Books or Harry Finch. Twitter is where all the odd people go to babble surreal nonsense into the void and hope it comes back as prophecy, it's basically a bunch of Cylon hybrids all hooked up into the nets and screaming. It's a living breathing subconscious death trip. Also, there was that time the tsunami ate Japan? And I was up late at night watching it live with a million little icons chattering away about it, and it was a social high like you've never felt before, disaster and immediacy and man, I feel bad if you're not using Twitter correctly and all you've got in your feed is a bunch of friends and food trucks.

So my own very inferior contributions are BridgetCallahan and Dear OK Cupid. The latter is my ongoing conversation with the insanity demon that is free online dating, and since I worked on writing samples all day for other things and haven't got a lick left in me for the blog, I'm just going to give you some of my thoughts about that whole Vortex of Inferiority Complexes with some cut and paste. Whatever, it's the day after VDay, you are all bitter anyway, even the happy ones. We are romantically hungover. We need to drink some orange juice.


Dear Ok Cupid: "Staff Robot thinks you'll like them." Staff Robot sucks at this game.


Dear OK Cupid: Why do they keep asking if I like black guys? Does my profile pic look racist?


Dear OK Cupid: Once upon a time there was a guy who wrote ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT in his profile, in all caps, all by itself.


Dear OK Cupid: The more obscure the bands you put on your profile, the more I assume you cannot drunk fuck.


Dear OK Cupid: If you list Pulp anywhere on your profile, then I know all you DO is drunk fuck.


Dear OK Cupid: when I see that someone in the bathroom at the bar has been cutting their pubic hair cause it's on the floor? I think of you.


Dear OK Cupid: how about a sister site where all members' profile pics have to be of the last person who bothered to love them?


Dear OK Cupid: how about if I ignore or stop replying to someone, you have them killed so I never have to run into them at a bar ever?


Dear OK Cupid: If you are a middle aged white guy who's into Zen Buddhism, you might as well just say "divorced".


Dear 22 yr old Hook Up Artist: Maybe you are shirtless because you are trying to guilt me into buying you a shirt? In which case...smart.


Dear OK Cupid: How about a feature where you offer to sleep with someone only after they complete 3 dares of your choosing?


Dear OK Cupid:So you listen to "everything"? You'll like my friends band. Experimental noise rock on Casio with Korean lyrics & cat samples.


Dear OK Cupid: I'm no longer talking to boys who have numbers in their profile names. I think you're all robots.


Dear OK Cupid: Is it okay to run promotions for myself, like "If you buy me drinks, I'll let you talk about The Hobbit"?

Dear OK Cupid: I had a nightmare that you started to allow people to post videos on their profiles.

Dear OK Cupid: Thanks for showing my friends I'm more compatible with their husbands than they are.

Dear OK Cupid: We should start treating match percentages as legally binding. As in, we are 96% compatible, you HAVE to like me.

Dear OK Cupid: "Message Me If: you regularly discover you are bleeding from somewhere, and have no idea how or why."

Dear OK Cupid: From now on, I am messaging guys who are at least 50% my enemy. Because they probably have actual careers.

Dear OK Cupid: Apparently I'm going to have to learn to care about sports

Dear OK Cupid: To the guy who likes Ayn Rand, vampires, reggae, and "enjoying life!" - You are my fucking mortal enemy.

To OKC user SFCatnip: I know you think you've thought that name through, but I don't think you've ever seen a cat really high..#blood

Dear OK Cupid: If you are wearing a tri-cornered hat in your profile pic, I'm going to take that to mean you might have syphilis.

Dear OK Cupid: Hell is a fuzzy cropped photo of a man in glasses and a blue button down, asking you over and over again "Hey, what's up?

Dear OK Cupid: profiles should have disclaimers like "best viewed after 2am" or "for when your mom makes you feel bad about being old/single

Dear OK Cupid: This guy just told me he's been an "automatic" for 14 years. Robots need love too.

Dear OK Cupid:Your name should not be "Punk Guy" if all you're going to do is talk about how sweet your son is & how much you love your job.

Dear OK Cupid: Let's be clear. Saying you like Wes Anderson is like saying you like Vampire Weekend. I like them too but shut the fuck up.

Dear OK Cupid: In my mind, your techs and the Craisglist techs play each other in softball, and there is a hidden romance masked by hate.

Dear OK Cupid: Quick grammar lesson - " I am a meat and potato, girl."

Dear OK Cupid: If you are wearing a black hoodie in your pic, with the hood up, I am only communicating with you in ICP lyrics

Dear OK Cupid: The minute someone says Kerouac is their favorite author, I start to have a stroke. My eyes glaze over and I taste pennies

Dear OK Cupid: STOP MATCHING ME WITH PEOPLE WHO LIKE TOM ROBBINS. I am not 15 anymore. NO MORE NIETZSCHE EITHER THANK YOU

Dear OK Cupid: Let's have a profile question that asks "Where were you when you realized love was dead and the world was dark and mean?"

Dear OKcupid: "interested in getting together with myself & a female friend?" Dear Marlon, I'm sorry but your name reminds me of a fish.

Dear OK Cupid: the lesson of Craiglist Missed Connections is some creep is masturbating thinking about you, no matter who you are.

DearOKCupid: Unless you have a superhero power where you can hear a pin drop ten miles away, take the fucking headphones off in your pic.

Dear OK Cupid: Don't you dare ask me for a casual hookup if you don't care enough to upload a pic,cause I bet there's no sheets on your bed.

Dear OK Cupid: Does anyone ever think "this guys into jazz, he's perfect!"?

Dear OK Cupid: "good attitude, fun, friendly, outgoing" makes it sound like you are trying to give away a puppy.

Dear OK Cupid: That face you're making looks like you are holding a live baby squirrel in your mouth and you are proud of yourself #creep

Dear OK Cupid: Pro tip. When you tell a girl your house is cold, she doesn't want to warm you up. She wants you to pay your gas bill.

Dear OK Cupid: You have an old soul? Is your soul rotting in your chest, all moldy and demented, babbling about Buddy Holly and juju beans?

Dear OK Cupid: No, I do not want nude pics of you. Nobody wants nude pics of you. First of all because you used the word NUDE, gross.

Dear OK Cupid: I see your Sufjan Stevens and I raise you one Nobody Gives a Shit about Your Vinyl if it's from 2008.

Dear OK Cupid: I take it all back. You are still a thousand times better than Plenty of Fish. That place is terrifying.