Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Conversation I Could Totally Have Had with Anne Boleyn

Anne, I feel like maybe we have a lot in common, because I also aspire to be remembered forever.

Really, am I?

Oh yeah, totally.

Well that's nice. Am I remembered for being the love of the King's life? Because I was. He never loved anyone as much as he loved me.

Um, well, I mean, sure. Kind of. In a certain light. But like, you know how guys are. They are usually scared of the ones they really admire, and end up with simpler girls who don't expect things of them.

Ha! I hope you don't speak that way in front of your husband.

My what? No, I'm not married.

But you're so old! Are you a widow?

No, I don't really believe in marriage. Its too religious of an institution for me. I think two people who love each other can commit to each other without god involved. I mean, bank accounts are complicated enough.

A man and woman living together unmarried? Without the approval of our Lord? Their children would be bastards! They would be dishonored for generations. Well it's too late for you now. And by the way you're dressed, I suspect you are a bit witless as well, and come with no dowry or title to speak of. They should have married you off to an old clergyman when you still had a chance of salvation. Not even a Moor would take you now.

First of all, we don't say Moor anymore. That's not okay.
Also, I mean, that's not really true. Single people have kids all the time. And no, I don't believe in god. I wanted to be a nun for a minute when I was little, but then I discovered I liked sex a lot.

You are a witch, aren't you? Your evil spirit reveals itself by your thick tongue!

Dude, you were the witch, not me.

What? Blasphemer! I would never consort with the Devil! Those were all lies spread by corrupt castrated old men! God himself guided me to make a reformation of his Holy Lands possible!

Well whatever, I don't really think you believe that. You know, you don't have to say that stuff anymore. You have to be more practical than that. Anyway, calm down. We don't have to talk about god. Let's talk about how awesome it must have been to be queen.

It was a grave responsibility, and I lived in fear of my life every day I walked the halls of that royal home. Eventually even I could not escape the madness of power, and I lost my life by deigning to try and work those powers to my advantage. I strived to work God's will above my station, and the reaching towards heaven took my head. It was...hard.

Right, cause isn't that the weird dance that all women in power have to do. Like, you have to be so pure and perfect and nice, but then to keep a man interested in you, you have to also be smart and dirty and quick, but not smarter than them because then you have to find some other area of their superiority to play up. And there's only so many times you can talk about their dick.

Your shocking words not withstanding, for I know the strength of my faith will keep me from Satan's influence that he so obviously exerts upon you, there is truth to that. It is a complicated tangle to weave. Especially with all the miscarriages. It is difficult to make yourself available to your husband's rights, when your body is damaged and healing. You must train your mind to focus on the future, of your future and your child's and the country's, and remember this is only flesh.

Yeah see, I can't even fuck if I'm too tired.

Well, that's probably one reason you don't have a husband in your old age. That and your contract with demons. Also, your ill fitting clothes.

This is not really the way I expected this to turn out.

Do you think you could turn my head towards the window? I want to see what's making all that noise.


  1. Sheer genius! Spit my tea out laughing reading this.

  2. This reads like one of those two person character studies... or you doing both rolls... Bridget Callahan does tequila shots with Anne Boleyn...

    I promise you it would take you to Broadway... for real...

  3. I LOVE this. Absolutely. LOVE.

    Big Mark is on to something with Broadway, at the very least it would make an excellent one-person play.

  4. What a riot. Next time you have Anne over, can you please invite me?

    Also, "Anyway, calm down." totally cracked me up. lol

  5. I especially liked when you called her "dude" and "witch."


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