Friday's Questions have a sunburn, and the worst itch is the one to get out of town for the weekend.

Is Cleveland really as bad as they say? Also, Cincinnati-style chili - good or bad?

Here are the two biggest problems with Cleveland. There are no jobs and our school system is super shitty. Oh, and our Lakefront kinda sucks, as opposed to how it should be, which is like Chicago's, only also covered in wind turbines. So three problems. Otherwise it's pretty much like any other mid sized city. It's not like Pittsburgh, which is really good at guiding out of town people to certain districts. But if you live here, and are familiar with it, it's a pretty decent place. I mean, if you talk to people who live in various neighborhoods around the city, most of them will defend the area they live in, so that's a good sign. Or it's a sign of our overwhelming insecurity. This question isn't helping. The biggest problem in Cleveland is that no one has any money to do all these great cultural things people are constantly trying to create. So it's always the same people doing them. I suspect this is also true in Pittsburgh and Milwaukee.

For those who don't know, Cincinnati chili is basically a thinner, sweeter chili that they eat over fucking spaghetti. Because the River People down south are crazy. I sort of hate spaghetti, and especially when it's smothered in sauce. So I am not a fan, and I think you are gross when you eat it, true story.

But I liked Cincinnati, because it has a river, and bridges. The best thing about Cleveland is standing in Wendy Park, feeling like you are in a Richard Scarry books, because there are trains, boats, planes, trucks all constantly moving across each other in the landscape. Cincy has a little of that vibe. Also that awesome aquarium.

Why aren't there more ghosts? I mean, more people are dead now right? And because of terrible situations? I would think that ghosts would be more commonplace.

There are not more ghosts, because there are no ghosts at all. And there are less people creating ghost legends now, because they have TVs. And, one would hope, better treatment for schizophrenia.

I've always thought the idea of ghosts was a very specifically cruel thing to believe in. I mean, not only do you believe in hell and heaven, which are really inhumane on their own, but then also people who die traumatically also get punished by having to stick around certain locations being really lonely, miserable, and ineffectual? Why are we so mean to the dead?

My favorite use of the word ghosts is when they describe immigrants or refugees in a new society. I think it is the most accurate.

How did I become old enough to get annoyed at co-eds talking about their sex lives in the office?

So you are implying there was a time when you weren't annoyed at people discussing their sex lives in the office? I always find that annoying. First, it makes you imagine that person having sex, which is uncomfortable. And second, I really don't like having personal conversations at the office, because most of my life I would never tell any of them about. They would think its weird, or immoral, or pathetic. At best, they wouldn't have much to follow it up with. Perhaps that's just an example of me being a snob, but I think it's just recognizing that most people at most offices lead fairly normal lives, and I don't feel like I do.

I'm definitely some sort of snob.

I don't know. Maybe you dislike it because it reminds you that you are too old to sleep with the co-eds yourself?

why are older people stupid in one way and younger people stupid in another way, but in a funny way, it's like the same way.

Maybe the people in the middle are too busy to show off their stupidity in the same way?

Stupid people don't magically grow up to be smarter people when they are older. Usually, stupid people devote too much time playing into the stereotype of what their age group is supposed to be doing. Like, younger people are supposed to be drinking, flirting, and worrying about themselves. And older people are supposed to be obsessed with their families, and visibly older, more decorous. The stereotype of middle aged people involves doing lots of things with other families, or focusing on working, and staying inside their houses cleaning or gardening or being frugal. Then when the children go away, they have more time to show off their stupidity publicly.

Anyway, it's not nice to group everyone together. Not all young people are stupid. Not all old people are stupid. Not all people are stupid. But stupid people are stupid no matter what stage of life they're in.

When I drink coffee, little bits of the fine, fine liquid gather in the corners of my mouthlips and dry there. So then I have little brown mouth boogers and find that to be disgusting. What to do?

Wipe your mouth after drinking coffee. Or don't slurp your coffee.

It's okay, when I drink red wine, I still often look like a kid who drank way too much grape koolaid. And my tongue looks like a well bred chow dog.

Whatever you do, don't become obsessed with straws.

What color are you?

I am usually so pale, the veins and purple scares and red cat scratches criss cross my skin like graffiti.

At this moment, I am kinda sunburnt, which is a lovely feeling, cause it's not too burnt. Just like a quick broil. It feels like you are a lobster saved from the pot.

Inside, I am an oil slick.

Why are so many smart people such emotional masochists?

Because we are bored. People whose minds are really occupied with interesting and active ideas are rarely the ones calling the exes or falling in love with alcoholics. If you feel you are an emotional masochist, you should interpret that as a sign that you have vast reserves of mental energy, see it as a positive, and pick something cool to focus that on.

Stable healthy relationships usually only come about when you are living the life you really want to.

Ask me anything.

I love you people asking me questions.

is there anyway we county residents can whack every shitbum politician in this town and their puppet precinct bosses? Okay. Sure, there are some who do good for us serfs, but could it be like a combined hit and no one gets caught?

By "whacked" and "hit", I assume that you are referring to the time honored Welsh tradition of pummeling public servants with large salmon every spring. It's an oldie but a goodie. I think the execution of it should be simple. We just need to start a grassroots campaign online, storm a meeting or two, and get everyone a very large fish.

We'll need cabbage to make the traditional fermented celebratory drink, and you should probably get started on that now, it takes a few months.

Do you like me yes or no.

I like this question for sure. I've always like this question. I think there's this great, completely unique, unable to be fabricated sincerely, makes the inside of you smile no matter what the source feeling that comes when someone asks you that question.

So yes, I like you, because you asked me that question.

However.

There are lots of ways I could like or dislike you, seeing as I don't know who you are at all. I could think you're really cute. Or I could think your face is kinda weird. I could maybe have no idea of your existence at all, and you just submitted this random question cause you thought it was funny, without knowing at all what's going on in my inner or outer life, and anticipating it might mean anything at all. You could be an ex. I could be waiting by the phone for you to call, or I could be refreshing your FB page while not writing you anything, or I could be actively trying to forget meeting you that one time cause it made me really uncomfortable.

I'll tell you what. 1000 dollars, I like you.

When was the last time you really wanted to punch someone's lights out, and why?

Look, I don't punch things, I throw things. And it's a terrible trait, and something I hate and try to control, because I break shit. Some people just break shit. So I don't like to talk about it, because it's part of the very large dark side of me I try really hard to keep from anyone.

My lighter side also headbutts people a lot, like a baby dinosaur. Someone used to call me a turtle.

Ask me anything