And so it came to pass the Earth fell and I became Master of my dominion

This week has been extraordinary slow, hasn't it? Starting with that boring boring solstice, that pretty much sucked the life out of me and our atmosphere. I mean, it's been boiling hot. You can't be witty when it's boiling hot. You have to tend to your melting eyeballs and stinky crevices, don't you?

There have been some interesting going-ons though. General McScrappy thought he was gonna be cool and hip, and get all loose with the young folks. Rolling Stone fed him some hard candy, and he said some things it's not quite smart to say in front of someone who may then seal your words into zeros and ones, distribute them everywhere, even up to the castle where the Wizard may hear. And then he may turn you into a frog, a frog with a long career ahead of him of security consulting. When the first corporation creates the first not secret private corporate army, my money is on McScrappy to be at the helm. Since he's old, you can tell I think that's coming soon, right?

Also we learned about BP burning endangered turtles, and then that cleanup boat captain shot himself. Seems a little suspicious to me, shooting yourself in the morning, when you first get on the boat, instead of after a night staring at the bloodied sea. It seems awfully daytime working hours-ish. Well, if its true, you good and gentle man, I hope you are completely blissfully unaware of it all now. And BP, if you are suddenly bringing all Michael Crichton's nightmares to life, if you are risking the exposure of your dark underbelly because of your floundering desperation? Well, probably nothing will happen to you. You will likely never get caught. This world sucks. Speaking of corporate armies, I hope yours loses. I hope Kraft kicks your ass.

CNN supposedly put out a call for someone to come up with the good side of the oil spill (no they didn't). I have several:

1) Shrimp were obviously destined to someday become the superior race. We've nipped that in the bud.

2) The Mermen army that was being slowly built up on the ocean floor, in preparation for the rising tides of 2012 and their ascent to conquer the Landmen, has also been neutralized.

3)The oil companies will eventually form an international conglomerate to protect themselves against interference from silly civilian governments. They will go on to destroy half the planet, but they will also discover time travel in an attempt to go back and kill way more dinosaurs in much more convenient areas. Thus all the dinosaurs will become extinct, and people will finally stop putting any credence in that silly asteroid theory.

People have been chattering about these errol morris essays - being too incompetent to recognize your incompetence ect ect. They are very interesting, and generally right. That's a trap too, you know. Very good points about the unknown unknowns, but at some point you have to draw the line and assert your own confidence, otherwise you're helpless, trapped by your humbleness. Yes, I don't know what I don't know. However what I do know is letting people die for no reason is wrong, just like hurting them is wrong. That's a stable enough foundation upon which to build a card castle of morals that are my choice. Everybody has to say "no I'm right"at some point. They are probably wrong when they do it, but they have to do it. We are all probably wrong most of the time. This is one very good reason I am an atheist. There are other reasons, but they mostly have to do with how cruel I think moral destiny is.

Finally, I discovered the Doctor, living right here among us...(also I've been watching too much Dr. Who.) Someone make him open his pocket watch.

The longest word in the english language you can make out of my name is "blathering"

Some random things...

1)We went to St. Luke's again Sunday. No, really, we woke up at like 7 and got batteries for the flashlights, and we were all super charged and stuff. It was mega cool. It was super mega cool. We found the scariest rape room in all of Cleveland. And you will see those pictures someday. After Flickr stops taking it's sweet ass time loading those pictures. I've been trying to load them for 48 hours now. 48 hours for 155 pictures is redonkalous. Oh, and I'm bringing that back.

2) The Saturday before, Alli and I were going to try and see Capitalism: A Love Story. But I was late, and we missed it. Oh capitalism, guess I don't love you that much. So instead we went to Collinwood to look at some artsy stuff. I bought a picture, and Alli made Sasha over at Waterloo Cafe try and steam some Baileys for her espresso. I wanted to try and get a copy of the new Pink Eye Magazine, so I could look at my shit in there, but we got drunk too fast and couldn't wait out its arrival. So we headed back to Prosperity and had dinner, drank some more. Two mandolin players showed up, and a couple of drunk guys jigged. A pitfall to getting drunk with Alli (no, there are no pitfalls, not really) is that her mom and my mom hang out and get drunk too. Also, both of us laugh like our mothers. So here we are, 30, drinking alcoholic coffee drinks in a woodlined bar with a bunch of older people in nice coats, laughing like our mothers and tapping our feet to fucking mandolins, and it just all kind of hits you at once. But it hits you, kisses you on the forehead, and then runs away giggling. You get old, after all. I mean, you do. I don't.

Afterwards, we met up with some people at Tina's, which is a place I'm pretty sure doesn't exist except when you're looking for it. And even that is sketchy. I saw some guys I hadn't seen in a while, and Nikki from the Exchange sang a great version of Journey, which means of course that the entire bar sang a great version of Journey, and we stayed out way later than we had meant to, given our 7 am appointment (see above). There was a guy named Bob, who had a beer holder made of a bobcat head. Simultaneously really cool and really reprehensible. On the way home, I put on that Calvin Harris album I was so unimpressed by the first time I listened to it. And it turns out that Calvin Harris is specifically for driving home at 2 am from the karoake bar, otherwise it totally sucks. How come no one told me this?

3)It happened today. The flu season's first analysis of the word "pandemic". Pandemic and I have hated each other ever since I watched the dvd special features interviews of 28 Days Later. PANDEMIC PANDEMIC PANDEMIC. Until you are all dying of smallpox, I don't want to hear that word ever again. My mother talked me into signing up for a flu shot this year. Last year, I was sick all winter from that shot. I told my mother if it happens again, she's paying my sick leave. She doesn't care, she's a nurse. Nurses have no pity.

4)If you haven't seen it already, go watch the Daily Show segment from last night where John Oliver calls CNN a bunch of...well go watch it.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
CNN Leaves It There
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

5) I really have to sit and write these Halloween stories. I'll do it this weekend, I promise. I mean, I'm all out of Angel episodes on my DVR, so I have time now. I don't know what I will write them about, but I'm sure enough alcohol can fix that. I don't believe in ghosts, or supernatural stuff, or anything that makes up a good ghost story. I don't even really believe in good ghost stories. Making up stuff about dead people wandering around lost between worlds seems to be overly sentimental and trite, unless you are talking about zombies which is okay, or god-killing metaphors for Adam and Eve, which is also okay. But ghosts are always sad, or angry and sad, or confused and sad. Be careful what you're projecting about yourself, ghosthunters. I think it would be amusing to make a film about a group of donkey ghosthunters. I imagine it would play pretty much normal. Oh no, the flashlight moved! Bray Bray Bray!

6) They Might Be Giants - this Thursday. Haunted House friday. Pumpkin carving Saturday? Apple picking Sunday. No, not really. Fuck apple picking this year. It's going to be Christmas before I get to make a decent apple pie. I would like to pretend I'll be doing lots of cooking in the next few weeks, but quite frankly, I haven't done my dishes in a month. If, by some miracle, I do actually get them done, I don't think I need to be creating anymore. Ever again. I think I will learn to eat with my hands and cook everything in the toaster oven on foil. Eventually I will start only wearing foil, and sleeping on foil. I will go blind from the shininess.