Monday, November 21, 2011

Facebook Ads (no pithy subtitle except I'd like to note that I drank an entire glass of St. Germain straight last night and it was kinda gross)

Ad title: Free Coupons for Women!
This is the most dead on marketing for most of my female friends over 27 that I could ever think of. Target and Diet Coke. You all need to drink more water.

Ad Title: Allied Business Network, "Like" our new mascot!
I don't know what ABN does, but from their mascot I would guess they specialize in genetically crossbreeding kittens and frogs to create a Super Fuzzy Frog with the power to suck your soul out in your sleep and permanently ruin your living conditions. The important thing is that someone spent a really long time crafting a hat for a kitten.

Ad Title: Give a Pet a New Home!
That dog is obviously a Nazi, right?

Ad Title: Become a Substance Abuse Counselor!
Once upon a time, in a candy factory far far away, a baby girl was born to a young Oompa Loompa couple. The other oompa loompas could tell she was different, because of the constant judgement in her eyes and the cutting edge of her voice when she warned the other children of the dangers of eating too much sugar.
I seriously cannot figure out if that's supposed to BE the counselor in that picture, or the addict, but I assume the addict because I don't know any counselors who make enough money to afford that awesome of a dye job. Become a counselor and all the drug addicts will be really hot young slave girls who really like candy and creepy old men!

Ad Title: Become an Addiction Counselor!
All the addicts on facebook are really hot. And Rainbow Brite here is obviously addicted to being awesome. Or addicted to the taste of metal. Or addicted to hair dye fumes. I am really uncomfortable with the idea of using sex to sell counseling careers. Those are some very false expectations.

Ad Title: 5 New Things to Do in Cleveland!
1. Look for non-existent whales and/or whale boats! Name them Lawrence (done).

Ad Title: 5 New Things to Do in Cleveland!
2. Become a Demon Eagle Lady, and disembowel your enemies! Never learn how to type or fingerpaint. Be very bad at climbing over fences or caressing your loved one.

Ad Title: 5 New Things to Do in Cleveland!
Stay away from open sewers where the giant alien cat monsters lay in wait, and your Eagle Demon talons will be useless against their hypnotic Thrall Stare of Doom. Also stay away from blonde women who wear white. That is never ever a sign that they are healthy sane individuals. I was going to say except for nurses,


  1. wow, i had the exact same hair as the substance abuse counselor in high school. so that's what that hairstyle was called.

  2. Thought that whale was the one from Mother Goose Land down in Canton for a second...

  3. I want that green hair so badly. But I doubt I would ever be able to achieve that particular photoshop saturation, my hair is like a dry erase board.

    Mother Goose land. Sigh....

  4. I can't look away from the super fuzzy krog's angry eyes. Save me, Bridget!

  5. Whoa, Ells, you're right. It's totally a Krog. How could I have Missed That?

    Unfortunately there is no cure. I will tell Paul his mother loved him.

  6. You have short enough hair that getting a full-on bleach job shouldn't make you too nervous, and then you could totally have that green hair. Special Effects makes excellent colors; it's what I use on my navy blue/purple-y hair, and I have successfully maintained it for almost two years now. Put some in your conditioner so that every time you wash your hair you are putting some color back in. You should do it!

  7. I don't know. I used to have green hair and I loved it and it looked awesome, but then I sort of felt like Zelda. Also I feel like I am actively getting old now, so I should only do things to my body that shout "I accept my ugliness and decrepitude". Maybe when I start going really gray.

  8. I'm doing the opposite, sort of. I mean, I've colored my hair for years and years, but I didn't do a not-at-all-possible-in-nature-ever color until I was halfway through year 29, so now at 31 I still have fun hair. And my plan is not to stop coloring it in one way or another until I have enough grey to be really grey, because I have dreams of grey/white old lady hair. I have a few decent little patches, but I want more! The downside of the fun hair color, though, is that apparently it makes me look younger? Which, when people assume I'm substantially younger than I am based on my appearance, it tends to offend me in ways I can't fully articulate. I think it's the default societal younger=better game at play that offends me, like people think it's a compliment somehow. The same way how if someone thinks you look particularly nice on a given day, their default statement might be "You look great...have you lost weight?" because that shit offends me a whole lot, too, and it's all kind of the same thing. This comment became way too long and meandering awfully quickly...

  9. Well I am 100% agree to you of quitting the diet cokes and make a better alternative of drinking more water as this seems very natural and healthy to all of us...and I just like all the Ad. titles so so much...feeling blessed to be here!!


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