Okay, so let's say I was incredibly wealthy, like star system owning rich. And let's say I had an inclination to create a stable of the worlds most intelligent, dangerous creatures. That, by the way, is exactly what I would do if I ever were rich. These are animals that I hold so high in my estimation, I really can't think of them as just animals. These are aliens.
First and foremost, I would have elephants. Elephants are thoughtful, compassionate creatures with a nurturing matriarchal structure, empathic emotional bonds, and incredible memories. They also vindictive, prone to violent rage, and capable of killing a man in a second. Since the 70's, packs of elephants have been attacking human settlement with more frequency, a trend attributed to post traumatic stress disorder. Otherwise known as "we killed off all your mothers with poaching and now, raised as a motherless delinquent, you are getting revenge" disorder. Elephants have been reported to like getting drunk before the attacks. And of course, there is the rhino rape story. You have to respect a 26,000 pound creature who is emotionally invested in their race enough to be a terrorist. They are rising up against the extinction of their noble tribe. They're in.
Next, squid and octopus. One, their tentacles are as dexterous as a human hand. Two, the colossal squid can grow up to 46 ft. Three, Humboldt squid attack like a wolf pack, and regularly attack humans. Four, beak. Five, complex communication through changing skin colors and patterns. Six, insane observational learning capabilities. Seven, telescope eyes. Eight, habit of boarding fishing boats and breaking out of aquariums in search of food, like ruthless little street children.
If the elephant is the crazy beserker with a tragic past, the cephalopods are the creepily efficient robot drones.
Going down the list, we come to....whales and dolphins. Whales, dolphins, and porpoises are supposedly descended from tiny two toed deer that said "fuck this" and went back into the water. The whale is in fact closely related to the hippo, (who apparently is also descended from a tiny deer, what?). They are, of course, insanely mind-blowing huge. They have crazy powers of echolocation, and receive sound not through their ear but their JAW. They CHOOSE when to breathe. They sleep with one eye open.
Dolphins are pretty and cute, but also have two hundred and fifty teeth which they use like an antenna. They are sleek fast killing machines. Orcas, the "wolves of the sea" are in fact a type of dolphin, not a whale. Dolphins are known for using tools, helping sick co-workers, and killing porpoises for no apparent reason. They are also marketing geniuses. "Hey, these fisherman are trapping fish! If I follow them, I can get fish too! But I don't want them to hurt me...hey fisherman, look at me bounce this ball! Look how cute I am! Watch me maime this porpoise!"
Of course, I couldn't have a collection of this kind without chimpanzees I guess. But I really dislike apes. Really really. I mean, I guess they don't really NEED me to like them. They've got things to occupy themselves with, like making tools, convincing researchers they have spirituality by staring at sunsets, and of course, cannibalism. My favorite part. Maybe I don't like chimps because they're not alien enough. It's unfair of me, I know. I would never be intentionally rude to a chimp to its face though. It would totally pluck out my eye. And eat it.
Finally, I would have a mischief of rats. I would build them a great inner castle, and seed the population with only very fit, high performance breeds. I would leave them activities to do and videos to watch, and computer consoles to operate. And one day, a very special rat would be born, the jump in evolutionary ratdom. And this rat would lead a revolution to scale the castle walls, to storm the unknown horizons, to be what no rat had dared dreamed to be before.
And as the group of ragtag rat freedom fighters finally emerged from the long underground tunnel they had spent years building, they would be eaten by the giant octopus, who was wandering around looking for cat food.
First and foremost, I would have elephants. Elephants are thoughtful, compassionate creatures with a nurturing matriarchal structure, empathic emotional bonds, and incredible memories. They also vindictive, prone to violent rage, and capable of killing a man in a second. Since the 70's, packs of elephants have been attacking human settlement with more frequency, a trend attributed to post traumatic stress disorder. Otherwise known as "we killed off all your mothers with poaching and now, raised as a motherless delinquent, you are getting revenge" disorder. Elephants have been reported to like getting drunk before the attacks. And of course, there is the rhino rape story. You have to respect a 26,000 pound creature who is emotionally invested in their race enough to be a terrorist. They are rising up against the extinction of their noble tribe. They're in.
Next, squid and octopus. One, their tentacles are as dexterous as a human hand. Two, the colossal squid can grow up to 46 ft. Three, Humboldt squid attack like a wolf pack, and regularly attack humans. Four, beak. Five, complex communication through changing skin colors and patterns. Six, insane observational learning capabilities. Seven, telescope eyes. Eight, habit of boarding fishing boats and breaking out of aquariums in search of food, like ruthless little street children.
If the elephant is the crazy beserker with a tragic past, the cephalopods are the creepily efficient robot drones.
Going down the list, we come to....whales and dolphins. Whales, dolphins, and porpoises are supposedly descended from tiny two toed deer that said "fuck this" and went back into the water. The whale is in fact closely related to the hippo, (who apparently is also descended from a tiny deer, what?). They are, of course, insanely mind-blowing huge. They have crazy powers of echolocation, and receive sound not through their ear but their JAW. They CHOOSE when to breathe. They sleep with one eye open.
Dolphins are pretty and cute, but also have two hundred and fifty teeth which they use like an antenna. They are sleek fast killing machines. Orcas, the "wolves of the sea" are in fact a type of dolphin, not a whale. Dolphins are known for using tools, helping sick co-workers, and killing porpoises for no apparent reason. They are also marketing geniuses. "Hey, these fisherman are trapping fish! If I follow them, I can get fish too! But I don't want them to hurt me...hey fisherman, look at me bounce this ball! Look how cute I am! Watch me maime this porpoise!"
Of course, I couldn't have a collection of this kind without chimpanzees I guess. But I really dislike apes. Really really. I mean, I guess they don't really NEED me to like them. They've got things to occupy themselves with, like making tools, convincing researchers they have spirituality by staring at sunsets, and of course, cannibalism. My favorite part. Maybe I don't like chimps because they're not alien enough. It's unfair of me, I know. I would never be intentionally rude to a chimp to its face though. It would totally pluck out my eye. And eat it.
Finally, I would have a mischief of rats. I would build them a great inner castle, and seed the population with only very fit, high performance breeds. I would leave them activities to do and videos to watch, and computer consoles to operate. And one day, a very special rat would be born, the jump in evolutionary ratdom. And this rat would lead a revolution to scale the castle walls, to storm the unknown horizons, to be what no rat had dared dreamed to be before.
And as the group of ragtag rat freedom fighters finally emerged from the long underground tunnel they had spent years building, they would be eaten by the giant octopus, who was wandering around looking for cat food.
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