I'm not folksy enough to be of use in this election

Things I would like to tell some people before they die.......

GUY AT A COMEDY SHOW: You stupid fucker, if you ever use the phrase American Pie and my sister's name in the same sentence again, I will rake you face open, bury you in my backyard, and plant tomato plants over you. I saw a movie where they did it. Don't tell me what I can't do.

TONY SNOW: I expect you to support our troops. Support them. The troops. Now.

GIRL IN THE ELEVATOR AT WORK: please don't talk to me again. You don't even work on my floor. And you don't have career advancement scrawled across your forehead, so don't act like it.

WILLIE NELSON: I love you and I would love you even more if you cut your hair.

BOB DYLAN: You know how Johnny Cash is still putting out albums, even though he's dead? Because someone thought it would be cute to act like the man in black WAS black? You don't need to do that. Really. In fact, you should go one better and stop putting out albums now.

CONOR OBERST: First of all, just because my stupid local paper decided to get cultural two years ago and call you the new Bob Dylan? Does not mean you get to spell your name with one "n". Everyone knows there are 2 "n"s in Connor. C-O-N-N-O-R. F-U-C-K-T-A-R-D. At the very most, you're the new Ian Hunter.

BOBBY FLAY: Bobby, when are you going to realize that going to some small town, gathering a whole party of your competitor's friends and family, and then coming late like some snobby big city corporate devil in your big clean truck with your sidekick blondes and mango-cilantro salsa, GUARANTEES that you are going to lose the showdown. CAUSE YOU CAN'T COOK, YOU YURIMOTO WANNABE.

RACHEL RAY: I just hate you, I hope you choke on a carrot. In thirty minutes or less.

PRINCE: Surprisingly, I'm okay with your whole "Jehovah's Witness" thing, even though I hate God. Turns out you have some prestigious colleagues. Naomi Campbell. Terrence Howard. Dwight D Eisenhower. Ja Rule. Selena. Ger Halliwell. Jill Scott. The Williams Sisters. PATTI SMITH. Okay, that one really surprised me. But you can still knock on my door and talk about god for a little bit, if you want. I have a raspberry beret I can donate. If thats what JWs do. I don't really know.

TOM CRUISE: I just want to tell you I'm really really sad for you. Really. There are no aliens. There is no Brotherhood of Masters. There are, in fact, people more attractive than you and the Beckham couple.

THE GIRL WHO PLAYS PARKMAN'S WIFE ON HEROES: You are totally a fat Katie Holmes. She lost the weight, why can't you?