1. Look like Jesus.
2. Offhandedly mention Belize.
3. Wink. Often.
4. When you pass her something, pass it with your whole hand.
5. Sit across the room and ignore her.
6. Stand with her while she waits for a cab.
7. Have a really really cool dog that reminds her of the childhood dog she had before her mother made up that ridiculous lie about the dog being stolen from the backyard.
8. Be dismissive of scavenger species.
9. Have a one syllable last name.
10. Know a medium amount about shipwrecks.
11. Tell her she looks cute in jeans, even though jeans are the worst possible article of clothing for her to wear and she knows it and you know it.
12. Hate eggplant.
13. Genuinely be a socially inept dork, and yet project an air of being way too cool to hang out with her.
14. Be too cool to hang out with her.
15. Introduce her to your sister, watch them become friends.
16. Respond to her facebook status by calling her.
17. Live in another city.