Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Correct Plan for the End of the World

Just so you know, I am an Expert about the End of the World. Not sure how it happened, but it's an indisputable fact I am absolutely the only person you should listen to about what's going to happen in our dark and not so distant future. It's like a gift, only scarier.

I know, I don't look like Rasputin, do I? I mean, maybe in the right light. It's that steel glint of meanness. It sparkles in the sunlight right before it Burns Your Soul Out.

So let's talk about what happens After the End of the World.

Right. So after the plagues have ripped through our genetic pool, the oceans have covered the Sinful Shores, the tallest monuments in the world have been laid waste by the deadliest weapons, Atlanta has burned and burned and burned until the famous Southern Sun is only a dimly lit circle in the black smoke sky, feral pigs have taken over the Scrublands, gigantic Carp terrorize the inland oceans....what do we do next? The End of the World is such a misnomer. It's really only the end of OUR world. It's the charred beginning of another. A brutal primeval place where life pushes violently to survive and no organic creature will think twice about ripping out your throat and using your abdomen for warmth.

Where is your place in this fricaseed wasteland? Well, not to be rude, but you're probably dead. Did you even have a plan? Or were you one of the suckers praying in the basement of a school somewhere, counting on the National Guard to bail you out when even the top tiers of government were fleeing the hinterland? Whatever. Maybe you had a plan. Maybe you should try to make one now. Don't be a sucker. I guarantee Glenn Beck has one, and we can't let him father the new population.

My plan is to run back to Cleveland, where the world has already ended but we still have this huge reservoir of fresh water and we're so immunized to modern chemicals that our skin secretly glows green when we get angry. True story.

But the End of the World happens over and over again, so the second part of my plan is to hole up in the giant salt mines underneath Lake Erie. People think I used to frequent trashy bars in Western Ohio just for fun, and while it's true I do like fifty cent jello shots, I was also assembling a network of rough riding miners who will be my mercenary pack when shit goes down. They all have secret names, so I can communicate with them through Craigslist. PolishBear is my head strategic chief. He has this amazing idea for accumulating all the abandoned hot dog carts and turning them into hydroponic gardens. Then there is LonelyInLima, who is designing a fabric that will not only suck up excess radiation, but then temper it to provide Vitamin D to the wearer. Also a nice tan.

Think about it. An entire community, safe hundred of feet beneath the water, secreted away from marauders, radiation, and disease. And when the world starts to recover, salt will be an incredibly valuable resource to trade for goods. We'll be totally rich. Our children will be beautiful. When the deadly gases have finally integrated themselves back into the lower atmosphere and ecosystem, we will have a headstart as the beacon of a new civilization.

Don't let those other End of the World plans make a dead zombie sucker out of you. I don't care how deep your mine shaft in Nevada is. It's Nevada. Why would anyone want to start a new city in a desert? With my community, you'll emerge in a verdant Eden of farmland, groundwater reservoirs, and wild dairy cows.

Applications are being accepted now, and can be emailed by request. Please include an essay detailing your religious and political upbringing, a recent physical with bloodwork, and 10,000 in heavy metal for consideration. Cash will not be accepted. I do not discriminate against felons, but only useful felonies will be considered, like murder or grand larceny. Entertainers need not apply, unfortunately we've got our quota of useless attractive people. Michael Raymond-James, don't worry, I saved you a bunk next to mine.


Hey, you can buy my new Little Book of Sexts here now for 6.99.
Or my "good" book, Cleveland is Your Best Friend here. For slightly more, cause there's photos.


  1. Useless skill: fancy hairdos.
    Useful skill: organization of information resources (even when all the computers are gone).

    The rest of my application will arrive shortly.

    1. Oh Esti, if only the two of us could breed, it would be just you and me baby. And like, some dogs.

  2. I am glad to see you have your books published... being on the ol' Social Security, I will have to wait until after the first of the year... provided that we get there...

    Congratulations on your relocation to Wilmington..! UNC-W is a neat little campus and the seafood there is just amazing!! I would ask if you know any people that I knew down there but they all should have moved... again, congrats Bridget... you are still my best friend..!


Who wants to fuck the Editors?