The Long End of the Summer, or How Avocados Will Cure Us All

Alli came back from the wars*, so today I recruited her to drive around East Cleveland with me, getting reacquainted with the home defenses so to speak. Then I took her to Tremont and blew her mind with condos. Condos condos everywhere, and not a drop of taste to spare. She's been gone for ten years. Do you remember Tremont ten years ago? When we used to live there and rent was cheap(er) and everyone drank beyond their means? She actually said, "but the projects are still down there, right?" Oh honey. Next we drove by the new old middle school, and her head exploded over my upholstery. We glued it back together with some episodes of 30 Rock, Iron Chef, and Mad Men. Oh TV, what did poor people do before you? Oh right, they fucked like bunnies and went to bed by 7.

On Iron Chef, the challenger made this avocado honeydew milkshake that 1)made me salivate like a 12 yr old at a Jonas Bros concert and 2) reminded me I wanted to share these two recipes with you.



Recipe One: Roasted Carrot and Avocados
(from Smitten Kitchen)

Are you ready for the simplest best dish ever? Alright here, do this.

- preheat the oven to 400
- chunk the carrots
- douse them with olive oil, cumin, salt and pepper (to taste)
- roast them for about 30 minutes
- toss them with avocado chunks, and drizzle with fresh lemon

This dish is so ridiculously simple, I felt embarrassed making it, like it was TOO simple. But it's so good. The carrots are sweet and salty, and the avocado buttery, and the cumin adds just enough to elevate this beyond what it looks like. Though, I don't know, I think it looks pretty good too.

Recipe 2: Bobby Flay's Crunchy Avocado Salad

Ingredients:
-3 ripe avocadoes
-2 big tomatoes
- 1 can chickpeas, drained and rinse a few times
- 1/2 cup chopped olives
- 1 tbsp smoked paprika
- 1 tbsp cumin
- 1/4 cup olive oil
- 1/4 cup white vinegar (his recipe calls for champagne vinegar)
- Salt and pepper to taste
- crumbled corn chips

When I went to grocery store to get stuff to make this for work, I was pissed off by two things. One, there were no blue corn chips to be found. At Giant Eagle. Fail. Two, there was no champagne vinegar or white wine vinegar, not even the expensive brands. Only plain old white vinegar. So I had to compromise. I was very put out. Saying something used champagne vinegar versus white vinegar is like saying, well, I can't think of an appropriate metaphor. But it's not the same.

So I made do. But I used too many olives, so I cut those down above too. I used so many, it kinda looked like my salad was covered with dirt.

Basically just chop everything, mix everything, and then add the corn chips at the end so they don't get soggy.

Brownies do not magically appear as a byproduct, they must be made by a co-worker. And you must eat three of them for breakfast. That's the new rule.



Avocados prove that dinosaur eggs are good for you. They are Nature trying to tell you that animal fats are bad, and you should just eat weird ugly fruit and fish all the time. Unfortunately, fish do not taste like avocados. So I'm only going to be able to commit halfway there. Anyway, go eat some.

Next week, avocado milkshakes for schizzle.



*metaphorically speaking.

All Hail These Young Gods

The whole weekend was a bit of a wicked blur to me. Saturday night was Marty and Rebecca's house, where Marty cooked us Brontosaurus Burgers. Later, after being beaten into a food coma, I watched some UFC at the neighbors and then this horribly horrible S. Darko movie. Sunday I read. All day. And drank. It was pretty awesome. On Monday, S. took me to the new Star Trek movie which was not horrible horrible, and later I went breaking and entering with J. More on that later, once the pictographs upload.

I know, it's a lot. Where did I possibly store all the energy to do all this crazy active stuff? The driving and the eating and the driving and the more eating, it can all wear you down pretty quick. Well, I went the cheap way, and got sugar high.

I was unaware of the existence of Ambrosia (or 5 Cup Salad) until I worked at my present job. Northern girls don't eat this shit. Then the old ladies would bring it in for potlucks and I became addicted... in a slutty evil way. I hated myself for liking it, because it was SO sweet. But it was like ice cream! Only it didn't melt when sitting on a cubicle desk all day! The perfect food. Which I find myself saying about a lot of Southern foods that have no business being anywhere near an artery.

Well, I like this version a lot better. It's still very sweet, but not AS sweet. It really tastes like a fruit salad. I recommend adding a lot more stuff than Alton does. Like, the whole jar of cherries. Also grapes. And more nuts. It's still very much dessert. But at least you won't feel like you consumed a whole container of cool whip.



Alton's Ambrosia Salad

Ingredients:
4 oz sour cream
1 cup heavy whipping cream
2 tbsp sugar
1 cup grated coconut
1 cup maraschino cherries
1 cup pineapple chunks
1 cup clementine segments (I used canned mandarin oranges)
6 oz mini marshmallows
1 cup crushed pecans
(I added 1/2 cup seedless red grapes)

Using a mixer, combine the sour cream and heavy cream and sugar. Whip until it starts to form peaks. Then combine all the rest of the stuff and mix. Refrigerate for two hours before eating. Set aside at least one bowl to eat tomorrow morning when you regret inviting all those people over before. Hide it in the back of the fridge.



Because, you know, it's a recession, Rebecca and I were very prudent, and used every part of the salad by making ourselves drinks.

Split the pineapple juice in the can between two glass.
Do the same with the mandarin orange juice syrup, and the cherry juice.
Take pictures because it's pretty.



Then add liberal amounts of rum, ice, and some sparking strawberry white tea.
Be VERY VERY proud of yourself for how fucking good your drink is.