America's Next Top Model Cycle 12 Recap: Beware of the Bird

(note: I will eventually post my spectacular soul moving Chicago pics, as soon as they are finished uploading to Flickr, which at the rate they're going should be by sometime next August..)

Once upon a time, in a large metropolis by the sea, a very pretty very old princess was getting cosmopolitan bored. Princess Paulina had once been a great beauty, renown for her wrinkled nose and very curly tail. Now she sat in her gardens sighing, while courtiers pranced around her, vying for her attention. The sad, sad life of a washed up fashion whale was hers, doomed to flounder on the sand, gasping for air, while well meaning commoners doused her with water.

4 travelers came one night to the gates of the city. The Queen, the Prince, the Tin Man, and the Rogue had been wandering the countryside for weeks, searching for the famed Cover Girl Contract of Certain Fame. Apprehended by the royal guards, they were brought before the Princess Paulina, who clapped and laughed with joy at the prospect of new entertainment, as she had tired of imitating strange fey English men. Her handmaids held the prisoners down, and dressed them in garish flounces and ribbons. The Princess then brought out her favorite pet, a large black bear by the name Fernando, who had once hunted on the slopes of Siberia, who had once drank the waters of the mighty Volga, and who now in his captured senility danced an awkward samba with our terrified heroes.

One by one the bear paraded them around the great hall/rooftop. First the Tin Man, whose joints screamed for oil and love, but the cries fell on deaf royal ears. The Queen persevered, knowing that true royal blood can handle any task, and not even a bear’s hot breath can melt a truly cool exterior. She glided and smiled, twirled and plotted. The Princess glared, jealous of her true grace, and declared “desperation is not sexy”. Next came the Prince, awkward, plain, and stumble-footed. Dancing was clearly not his forte. Oh but the Rogue! The Rogue had fought her way through dancehalls before, and as she enchanted the court, she slyly picked the pocket of several fictional cameramen.
The Princess, having snarked to her fill, threw the travelers into the great Condo Lofts of Doom, a terrible plastic place, perpetually enrobed in gloom. The party diligently practiced their best jester routines, or as the Rogue referred to it, their “chiki chiki tooming”. But just as exhaustion and corns were beginning to overtake them, an ominous missal appeared from the heavens, bearing the alien crest of their homeland The Federated States of Weird Flags as if to taunt them. A riddle! They were to “pushed out of the nest”! No one slept in that terrible place that night.

The next morning (though it remained darkest night over the Towering Condos) the brave foursome were hogtied and driven in an evil smelling van to the Vast Feral Forest. The Prince recalled various legends placing this as the home of a Wild Haired Wild Eyed Woman, who devoured young girls and sucked on their bones to build her sets. And sure enough, not 3 parsecs from the middle of nowhere, the Wild Haired Wild Eyed Woman blocked their path, her legs crossed to her shoulders, her eyes of glass gleaming black. She stared them down, contemplating their fate, as they sat idling in the humidity. Finally, a slow smile spread across her oil slicked face. The travelers shook to their well heeled toes.

First she took the Tin Man. The Tin Man had resolved to have a heart, to be brave as he left, and set a good example for the others left behind. He hardly trembled at all as the forest witch covered him with chicken feathers and threw him into a giant nest. It was the nest of a Giant Condor, and he was to be dinner for its young ones. But the little monsters took one look at the unappealing metal, one nip at an unprotected elbow, and promptly threw him out.

Next the Rogue volunteered, certain she could slay whatever evil lay wait. She blended into the shadows of the nest, and rearranged her hair to look like twigs, and the stupid birds didn’t even see her.

The Frustrated Witch shook with anger, and roughly grabbed the Queen, who merely sat in the corner of the nest and looked kindly but firmly at the baby condors. Within the course of fifteen minutes, she had taught them how to distinguish a salad fork from a tuning fork, and which way the world turns in a leap year.

Finally, came the Prince, willingly. He longed to be done with his impossible journey, and lay complacently within the prickly walls of the nest, awaiting his fate. Unfortunately, this is a charmed Prince, the Prince of our story, and nothing bad can happen to him, no matter what he does or fails to do. As the Prince lay there waiting to be devoured, the mother Condor came swooping down. For a long moment, it seemed as if his eyeballs were destined to be jellied candies down the avian gullet, and really, no worse for the world. But the gracious, heroic Queen, aware that no royalty would fail to sacrifice itself for its people, threw herself across the path of the giant bird, and was carried away in it vicious talons. The Rogue, with no further thought for the sacrificed Queen, quickly took the opportunity to steal away into forest, and the cowering Prince and hesitant Tin Man followed suit.

The Tin Man knew though, as he followed those two into the dense vines, that his time would soon come. He knew they would soon require a boat or a weapon or a mirror, and would fall upon him as desperate selfish people do. The Queen, his only true protection, was gone…and the can opener awaited.

To be continued….

America's Next Top Model Cycle 12 Recap: S-T-U-P-I-D Face

We joined the young ladies as the sun was setting on Celia's Day of Infamy. Exhausted and stained with the drippings of their fallen comrade, they divided into families upon entering the cave, and reclined in posturing relaxation, though the mood between groups was tense and hostile. On one side of the divide, an embarrassed Celia was venting her humiliation to Natalie and Allison. While upstairs, an also embarrassed Tahlia was being convinced to go against her natural instincts and let Sondra and Aminat fight for her. Sondra decided that now the battle was over, it was time to be on the winning side, and whispered conspiracy theories into Tahlia's self-righteous, insecure ear. Which got Frog Face Aminat all sorts of riled up.

Tahlia, weeper though she may be, and consummate victim, had decided to take the high road and not confront Celia. If it had stayed this way, this would have been a minor miracle for ANTM, and definitely a coup of maturity for Tahlia. But sadly, she wasn't being mature, just a coward, and she was more than happy to let the ghetto twins go to bat for her. Without questioning whether these two girls were really offended on her behalf, or just desperate for some excuse to get bitchy with Celia and Natalie, who have been kicking their asses in every challenge.

The highlight of the fight, which reminded me of that ill fated Redman/Method Man sitcom, was Aminat finally revealing she was illiterate and had been learning to read in the evenings while every one else was in the hot tub. She showed off by spelling her name a few dozen times. Then Aminat and Sondra's stock fell irreparably to the bottom of the jar, because ghetto is heavy like lead and sinks you.

Then there was a touching scene where Tahlia came to her senses and talked to Celia directly, in private, and I don't know what they resolved but it was the only decent response to the whole debacle. So good for them. Celia, resolved that she was going home the next day, then picked out her burial clothes which were a full yellow skirt and a leather jacket. And she twirled and twirled until she passed out, dreaming of green hills and post it notes.

For the challenge this week, Jay Manuel illustrated to the girls how expendable and replaceable they were, by crushing a poor mannequin to death and then stabbing it a few times with a wire hanger. Then London volunteered to show everyone a useful thing you can do with wire hangers, but everyone ignored her because Jay was calling them clothes hangers. Which they thought was a compliment! They're so thin! Oh but no, it was what they're NOT supposed to be, and this episode was all about the Singular Memorable Face.

For this, they had to stand behind blow up pictures of Tyra posing as different thing: A Warrior Princess, A Farmer, A Whore. They had to copy the expression of the photo, and let some dirty old men take pictures of them doing it, and everyone failed because the catch is, the faces of the pictures were cut out! How were they supposed to know! Allison proved she is incapable of shutting her mouth, with her little bunny teeth. And Natalie's positronic brain quickly computed the possible angles and chose the most likely expression based on Tyra's body language, age, lighting, stage of her career, and Dow Jones numbers at the time. So she wins.

Next it's fun with pixie sticks! But instead of snorting them, the girls are forced to let underage club boys blow them all over their face. Jay asks the girls to tap into their inner synthenesia and "emote those colors". Then the girls all sit there with the exact same expression and Jay randomly picks who's doing well and who sucks, which is the only perk of his job. London is given the unfortunate makeup job of leprosy. Natalie, of course, has a problem with passion, but it's not her fault, Soong didn't make her that way.

At panel, everyone ooohs and aaahs over the picture in fake British accents, or like they're in a high school acting class which is pretty much the same thing. Pho wins because really she has the prettiest face and I'm predicting her for top 3. The elimination comes down to Sondra and Celia, and based on the way Nigel was HATIN on Celia during deliberation, "I can't even look at her", the entire world is pretty sure Tyra's about to take a rusty nailed studded 2 x 4 and beat Celia to death with it on national television. I think Tyra's pretty sure that she's going to do it herself, because more gibberish than usual comes out of her mouth, which must mean she's excited.

But in a crazy! turn of events, Celia gets another chance because she's really better than the other girls, and this is supposed to be a talent competition. Also Tyra loves having your soul indebted to her. Sondra goes home FINALLY. Her only regret should be that she didn't get sent home last week, before she made a total ass out of herself.