1) Go to the grocery store the weekend before.
Sure, everyone tells you to go then, so you don't end up running there 10pm Wednesday night. But the truth is, I would rather have to wait behind five people with cans of cranberry sauce than one middle aged woman with an entire cart, a handful of coupons, and a checkbook.
2) Make plans for Thanksgiving Night, after dinner.
This is traditional party night for kids home from college, at least it was for my friends. Guess what? You're not in college anymore. Sit around with your family, get drunk, watch a movie. Make fun of your mom for asking questions through the whole movie. DO THE DISHES FOR YOUR DAD. (note: this is not me promising to do the dishes Dad)
3) Sleep with anyone you used to sleep with before.
The worst thing about the holidays is that everyone comes home and all of a sudden all these people who left town are back, and you're out drunk with them, and things happen. That shouldn't happen. Make a point to only sleep with people you haven't slept with before.
4) Spend all Thanksgiving Day drinking
You won't really be as hungry as you think, even if you don't eat all day. And you'll be too tired to clear the table, which will mean that once again, your sister will take all the leftover turkey skin. Turkey skin is important. Win the leftovers war.
5) Leave the turkey out on top of the stove (if you have animals)
My parents used to have this black cat, Muon, who was a champion turkey stealer. Even if we covered it with foil. This little shit could even open the refrigerator door, so we had to keep putting a stool in front of it.
6) Make any kind of fancy cranberry sauce.
Your family won't like it.
7) Give your siblings advice. Or rather, give anyone advice.
99% of family altercations are started by you thinking you need to advise somebody on something. Nobody needs advice on Thanksgiving. They just need to eat, drink, and tell horrible yet funny political stories.
