Several Ways Lost Could End and Should End, But Probably Isn't Going To

1) Locke corners Jack in the temple. They talk for an unreasonably long time before Locke tries to crush Jack's skull against the wall, not realizing that Jack is now the island's protector and he can't kill him. Jack then uses his new island powers to call down a thousand doves, which beat their wings and get all frantic, and swish Smokey away. Locke tries to rally, with lightning and stuff, but Jack forces his essence into a glass jar, where he is trapped. Sawyer will realize that in order to be a god, you have to have a god complex. Years later, stranded on another island when his spacecraft malfunctions, an astronaut will find the bottle, washed up on a beach. In return for his release, Smokey will grant him three wishes, one of which is an infinite number of wishes, and in frustration at being caught by such an obvious cliche trick, Smokey will decapitate him. Because djinns can do that. Freed from his glass hell, Locke will take over the world, and the Federation is born. Credits roll as Jay Z's Lucifer plays.



2) Walt arrives back on the island, and time freezes as he confronts Desmond. The two are actually electromagnetic opposites, and as they sit on the beach playing backgammon, the air crinkles with waves of power. Walt beats Desmond easily, since he is actually a Junior National Backgammon Champion in New York, and Desmond is melted away by Walt's laser eyes. Vincent then runs out of the jungle, miraculously preserved beyond his natural dog years, and is reunited with Walt. The two of them round up all the survivors, including a powerless against Walt smoke monster, and force them to play a human game of backgammon, where everyone dies horrible deaths when they get captured. Like, Kate gets eaten by a dinosaur, Sawyer is forced to eat jello made from his own blood, ect. Most of the episode is people being killed in new and fantastical ways. Walt is the only one who lives happily ever after. Credits roll while Stand By Me plays, and Walt and Vincent frolic in the waves, using Ben's head as a beach ball.



3) Sawyer kills Jack because he's never forgiven him for killing Juliet, and he really doesn't give a shit about these fucking people or this fucking island. Smokey flies off the island, never to be seen again, cause he just wanted to get off the island dudes. Everyone is still stuck there, but now they age and die, because the island's power is gone. All grown up, Walt will later return to the island, married to Desmond's son, on their honeymoon, and be completely shocked to find out that Vincent's progeny have started a race of talking dogs, which now rule the island with an iron paw, and all the elderly humans are forced to work in the fields as farm slaves. Credits roll while the theme song from Diamonds are Forever plays.



4) The island is a spaceship. This helps no one. Everything blows up. No one knows why.



5) While Locke is busy hunting down the survivors in the jungle, we flash forward to the future, where Aaron Littleton, Charlie Hume, and Kwon Ji Yeon all end up attending the same liberal arts college. They all take the same anthropology course, where Walt is a young professor. Later Charlie will recruit them all to form a secret society of people who can do crazy things with their minds. They call this the Dharma Initiative. Walt will eventually get drunk on a trip to the Amazon with Ji Yeon, and tell her about an island he thinks he's remembers, but he's not sure anymore. Ji Yeon will use Dharma's database to search through Walt's file, and find out all about their parents. This will start a lifelong obsession with finding the island for all 4 of them. Charlie confronts an elderly Penny, who denies everything in an attempt to protect her son from his fathers fate. But eventually she is forced to admit what she knows, which leads to the foursome
tracking down Eloise, who helps them build a time machine to find the island with, since she only knows where its been in the past and not where it is in the present. They find the island, but not in the right century, so the Dharma Initiative devotes itself to discovering the secrets of the island, in an attempt to guide it into the timeframe where their parents exist in a purgatorial state of being severely mutilated and beaten by Smokey, who can't kill them.

No music plays as credits roll because you are all blown away by how awesome this idea is.



6) Lost turns out to be completely based on the lyrics to Monkey Gone to Heaven by the Pixies.

There was a guy
An underwater guy who controlled the sea
Got killed by ten million pounds of sludge from New York and New Jersey

The guy is Poseidon, who is the father of Jacob and Smokey, which is why their mother was saved from drowning. And the ten million pounds of sludge is what's actually causing that radioactive glow from inside the island, which turned Smokey into Smokey in the first place. The Island is in fact a filter for the sea, to try and save it from humanity's toxic solution, which is why the island moves around. And Jacob was the protector of the filter, and Smokey became like, an intelligent pollution monster, which is why he can't escape.

The creature in the sky
Got sucked in a hole, now there's a hole in the sky
And the ground's not cold
And if the ground's not cold, everything is going to burn
We'll all take turns
I'll get mine too

This refers to the pan-dimensional rip in the sky Oceanic Flight 815 created when they crashed, brought down by a malfunctioning island battery. Now, the forcefield of the island is unstable, allowing for small holes in the time space continuum. Which is how Smokey hopes to get out. The ground is not cold anymore, because the filter is losing control of the waste, it burns with poison that will destroys the worlds oceans which is gaining power from the actual sunshine that sneaks in through the broken forcefield.

If man is five, if man is five, if man is five
Then the devil is six, then the devil is six, then the devil is six
And if the devil is six, then God is seven, God is seven, God is seven.

This refers to the big showdown between Smokey and Poseidon's army of kraken that will result in everyone being killed, like, right away, except Hurley, and then there will be an hour of pollution monsters versus giant squid. Captain Planet will show up, turn out to be Charlie Hume, and save the day with his planeteers. Ji Keon is Heart. Walt is Earth. Aaron is Fire. Hurley uses his powers to gather up an army of the dead, who rise from the earth and join the fight. It is a massive showdown, but Poseidon wins. He makes Hurley the new caretaker of Hades.





Suffice it to say, if Walt and Aaron aren't mentioned tonight, I'm going to be so disappointed.

Exile in Snowsville

So everyone has been in an uproar over this Forbes article that claims Cleveland has the worst winters in the country. They should have kept their mouths closed, because they pissed off the Lake Monster, and now it's snow snow snowing. I'm all snug and cozy in my house, so no complaints, except that I have to do laundry yet have no motivation to leave the house to do this. Yay no underwear days.

A text exchange with the Boy yesterday:

B: Snowpocalypse! Snowapalooza. Snowmageddon. nightmare in snowsville.
S: World War Snow
B: Snow of the worlds
S: Saving Private Snow
B: The Snow Also Rises
S: Snow on 34th St. Dances with Snow. Snow White and the Snow
B: The Seven Snows, duh.
B: War and Snow
S: Aqua Teen Hunger Snow
S: The Grinch that stole Snow
B: I think we're done
S: No!
S: What about "A Few Good Snowmen"


I watched so much TV last night, I kinda don't want to watch anymore ever. At least till next Tuesday. It was one of those locked down marathon sessions, where you catch up on all your DVR stuff, then there's LOST, and more DVR stuff. At the end of the night, I think I was convinced that Nathan Fillion was an international spy sent to kill zombie Iraqis, who recently found out he was the father of a blonde Abercrombie & Fitch model. A model who's dating Mac from Always Sunny.

Speaking of Life, Unexpected (I hate that comma so goddamn much. I don't even think there IS a comma there, but it sounds like there's a comma there, so I put a comma and curse my life every time.) Anyway, speaking of, I got stuck before bed last night trying to predict every single episode summary they will have on that show. I feel like if maybe I put them all down here, and then they all come true, someone at CW will note my prescience and hire me. So here we go:

Probable Upcoming Episodes for Life, Unexpected:

1) Parent teacher conferences. Baze (the irresponsible Dad/bar owner) does something irresponsible, which leads Kate (the uptight and self-righteous mother) to believe he won't show up. But then he does. And the teacher, witnessing their inability to get along, tells them all of Lux's problems are their fault. Which is true. Then they both gang up on the teacher, and feel better about themselves. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

2) Ryan (Kate's fiancee) finds out Kate and Baze slept together the one night they were broken up. He threatens to leave. Kate appeals to his pity for her (I can't be a single mom, blah blah blah) and he stays. Baze is depressed about this, since he figures out he loves Kate. He drinks some more. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

3) Ryan and Kate, being recently outed as a couple in their professional careers, have to discuss their upcoming nuptials on their radio show, which leads to Kate having some cold feet. So she makes out with Baze. Ryan leaves her. Everyone is happy his completely unnecessary character is gone. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

4) Lux makes some new misfit friends at her ultra preppy high school, and then her old preppy friends who hated her now hate her more and she becomes the target of some really lame jokes. She is miserable, and wishes she was back on the streets with her heroin dealer boyfriend Bug. Then she runs away for a night to Bug's apartment, and Kate flips out, and they have a discussion about boundaries. Bug once again tries to convince her to run away with him to Tijuana to start that pony show they always talked about. She says she can't leave with him, even though it will mean two holes in her heart (she had heart surgery as a kid). Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

5) Since Bug and Lux are on the outs, totally predictable because now she's all rich and fancy, Lux meets a new preppy boy at school, and totally crushes on him. Bug finds out and beats New Guys face into a bloody pulp by the bicycle racks. Lux tells Bug to run, and doesn't turn him into the cops, but is forever known as Bloody Mary at school. She cries in her room all the time and won't eat. Kate gets a large pitbull/boxer mix for protection. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

6) Lux's paternal grandfather takes her out to lunch, to get to know her. They discuss his true feelings about his son Baze, which are basically a combination of homophobia and disappointment. Lux bonds with her grandfather over these mutual feelings, and Baze gets very unhappy about this. Then Kate's mom wants in on the action, but no one pays attention to her, cause she's an alcoholic, which is secretly why Kate gave up Lux in the first place. Lux gets really sick with another hole in heart, and goes to the hospital for emergency surgery, which makes everyone realize they love her and should put up with all the other bullshit in order to make her life better. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

7)Lux's grandfather takes her on a camping trip, because she's probably never seen a fish, even though she lives in Seattle. But actually he's testing her reflexes and cognitive abilities, because as it turns out, he had a daughter that died at her age, and then he created an avatar of her and planted that in a giant robot body. Which is why no one wanted her when she was little. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else. Also robots.

8) Lux somehow managed to skip three grades of high school, and has to pick a college. Kate gets all freaked out that she'll leave them, which Lux would do, only she's bound by the poison her grandfather has been administering her every day and has to get the antidote from him every week or she'll die. So she stays local, and gets an apartment with one of her misfit friends. Then Bug shows up and tries to get some crack money from her. When she won't let him in, he rapes her roommate and then gets the blame placed on Baze. Who it turns out has a record. He beats the crap out of Kate's alcoholic mother, and holds a hasty wedding with Kate before running for the border. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.


See? They should just give this show to me now.

Top Chef Recap: Things We Lost in the War

So last night was rather exciting wasn’t it?

First the mysterious restaurateur appears and challenges the contestants to create a tasting of their best dish for him, in order to decide their fate in the upcoming Restaurant Wars, which have ALREADY HAPPENED. Radhika discovers the cast is caught in a time loop* where every 30 minutes their lives reset, and the accomplishments of the past challenges mean nothing to them. Sawyer wants to go back to the beach to find some fresh red snapper cause the stuff he has now is rancid, but wannabe Neil Patrick Harris/Daniel Faraday, with his notebook of secret recipes involving Dr. Pepper, insists there is no changing fate. The fish will remain spoiled. The Top Chef is already among us, and there is no changing the timeline no matter how many times you bang on the pantry door. Poor Radhika has no choice but to accept the leadership of her team, knowing that her fate is to be eliminated because the Man Who Doesn’t Age came and told her, she has to be eliminated in order to save the Top Chef, and in the process she must bring back the chefs who have left the island, to stop the time skip.

The Restaurant Wars went forward, and it was akin to watching a reenactment of a textbook, exciting in a way because we remember it from past seasons, but sorrowful and frustrating nonetheless, knowing the outcome as we did. Bittersweet since the players were aware of their fate. Of course the plane is going to crash and Radhika will be shot in the leg, and there were far too many Pier One metal giraffes being used. Faraday sees that Jamie has started to suffer the effects of prolonged exposure to the time loop, but tells no one since he doesn’t want to frighten them until he knows for certain. If I had to guess, I would say the first casualties of the brain scarring will be those who have ingested too much seafood (scallops), the mercury in their system acting as a poison magnified by the island’s wormhole.

Faraday alerts Fabio (trapped in the pantry by being unable to read the English exit sign) that he alone is special, and will need to go back to Italy to find his mother, who apparently knows more about time traveling cheese than anyone else. Years later Fabio will remember this as a bad dream, disguise himself as a spy, and try to lure Penny’s father into his trap, disguised as a generic restaurant with too many tea lights. However Penny’s father is too busy building an unholy alliance with Stefan, as they recognize their common enemy in Hosea. They recruit Leah as their serpent, to entice Hosea. to destroy his morality, and turn him to the Dark Side. Oh, then Leah and Hosea make out and it's gross and they totally act like twelve year olds about it.

The best chefs, the ones that have escaped and moved on to careers in New York (or mental institutions, or downward spirals), need to go back to the kitchen; this cycle will not stop unless Padma can get them back there to save the others, and themselves. Fate once again conspires to bring them together – Kate to save her child, Andrew to redeem his squirreliness, and the others just because all the bodies/actual talents need to be together at the even horizon, or Gladware** will discontinue their sponsorship since the viewing audience of this season is dropping like flies. Will Sayid kill them all with tricky kitchen appliances? And if they do not return, will the world end in 70 hours?

Probably. And the scallops will take over forever. Scallops are the new cockroaches.

*I'm sorry, did you NOT KNOW IT WAS A TIME MACHINE? ARE YOU THICK?
**Otherwise known as The Dharma Initiative, inventors of the scallop.