ANTM Cycle 14: New Zealand. The Country That Does Not Start With a Z.

When have you ever heard of a country, A COUNTRY, promoting itself using a CW reality show? Never has Tyra gone to another country, and then they have added a whole page of their travel site devoted entirely to this show. Brazil would have NEVER done that shit. Thailand was even above that. Unless Tyra has made some huge move on the global shadow market, and is now a super power player. It would explain the jumpsuits. Maybe she now owns New Zealand?

Oh New Zealand! Don't you know how gladly I would move to you if only your other official website hadn't made it substantially clear that you only want chefs, construction workers, and shepherds? So now, since my corporate qualified booty isn't good enough for you? I'm going to be merciless.

Watching the intro to this weeks episode, I was struck by the fact that I don't really remember who all these other girls are. They flash across my eyes like so many other pretty girl faces I've been looking at since childhood, an endless stream of generic smokey eyes and pouty lips, stretching from New York to California, infinity and beyond. I will get older and uglier, but the world will never run out of pretty young girls, they will just keep feeding them into the grinder one by one.

There is an ad for a Queen Latifah/Common romantic comedy, and this is Hollywood's perfect black couple, the new Gerard Depardieu/Diana Lane.

The girls are on a plane. The producers expect us to believe the plane is an actual plane, and not just a sound stage somewhere in Las Cruces. But no real plane has cryogenic dvd equipped sleeping pods like that, do they? That was seriously the best first class I have ever seen, ever. I don't believe it. I think, in fact, the producers killed all the girls, had their DNA shipped over in cold storage, and just made them all over again in Auckland. When the girls grow up properly enough, they are brought to the edge of a volcano and greeted by a gaggle of tongue flapping Maori guys who ham it up hardcore for the cameras. Some perfectly coiffed Man Who Used to be a Duck introduces them by pointing out they are on a volcano, duh, and that these dancers are representing their culture and history. To which I am all like, tell me the fucking story of the volcano what! Tell me what that culture and history is yo!

Twist! The dirty dirty girls have to hike down the mountain and go to some Go Sees in Shantytown! Without taking showers. Which blows. I could never. I look like a rat drowned in Crisco if I don't shower every day. The taxi drivers take them all through the strip malls and harbor city shoppity shops. The skies are gray and it reminds me of Sandusky, OH. Every designer is like "We love Angelea, and would totally book her for runway shows." Which would be great for her, if that didn't mean a once a year invitation to crash in someone's guest bedroom and attend the Annual Sheep Shearers for the Cure Show.

But Second Twist! Jessica apparently has a baby! and a husband! that I don't remember hearing about ever before! This makes me love her so much more, irrationally so. It's possible this was brought up before, but maybe Anslee's own extreme motherhood whining cancelled out any peep from Jess. Or maybe Jessica doesn't love her baby. I mean, obviously not as much as Anslee does, right? Or she would talk about her more.

Alasia tells us she "found her swag" this week. I am reminded of the argument the Boy and I had about the meaning of the word "swag". He insisted it was a new street word for charisma. I refused to back down from it being a clothing sample, or a bag of freebies you get at charity events. I like to think Alasia meant she found the bag the producers gave out at auditions of free CG lip gloss and tampons.

We meet some lady who is the host of NZNTM. She is the head of New Zealand's largest modelling agency, and she uses the word "abide". Remind me to never watch NZNTM.

They finally get to go shower, and find out they are staying in the ONLY BIG BUILDING IN AUCKLAND. The only one. There is one tall building in New Zealand, and it is the hotel where they put American guests. There is a beautiful moment on the deck, where the girls are standing side by side, flush with the adventure of being on the other side of the world. A giant rainbow is formed over the ocean harbor, and the girls point and laugh and smile like 6th graders visiting NYC for the first time with Drama Club. Why can't we stop here readers? Why can't the whole fucking show, the whole series, end here, with this moment of innocent glee and wonderment? Young girls being shown a glimpse of the hugeness of what they don't know. It's perfect and clean. It's Cover Girl.

Then Jay shows up on a tractor, dresses them up like the Wicked Witches of the Gay Musical Revue, and makes them pose with large sheep.

Alasia goes home.






In other news...I totally heard this song on a Leggs commercial and it's my new favorite thing of the last five minutes. Also I think their album is called Young and Clever, which I'm tempted to get tattooed on the small of my back.

ANTM Cycle 14: Mommy, What's a Whitney Port?

A Whitney Port is a creature ripped untimely from it's mother's womb, and of no father conceived but the winds from the mesas and the fumes from the subway tunnels. It is air condensed, diffused with dust and shards of plastic, strangers' tears and gleams of glass. It is only with the most violent of concentrations that this phenomenon can hold it's corporeal shadow, and thus all action is performed with only this goal in mind. Don't lose shape. Hold thy form and substance. Exist.

And into the wild and wonderful Tyranny of Tyra was this ghost thrust. A witch brought it with her on the elevator. The witch whipped her sharp eyelashes and muttered the magic words, and a storm gathered next to her. Slowly the magical gusts settled into a vapid gaze. The witch examined the room of wide eyed does, searching into their hearts to divine which one of them could see the Whitney standing there. She rubbed her bony knuckles and smiled benevolently like a wasp.

"And look who we have here today! It's fashion designer and star of the Hi...the City, Whitney Port!"

The girls looked confused. Alasia thought to herself "there's nothing there. But apparently there's something there. And if Pat Cleveland sees it, then there must be something wrong with me if I don't see it. It means I'm not high fashion, only magazine. Therefore, I must pretend there is something there in order to be a real model. I want to be a real model." She had never read the Emperors New Clothes, but she knew well enough to smile and nod at the scary crone with the fingernails.

Thus the Whitney was seen by none, but loved by all. And her army of fame hawks swept into the sorority house, and made all the girls drink a tea that smelled funny. Then one by one, the Witch visited them and put her claws on their shoulders and forced them to look in the mirror.

"Tell me the essence of you" Tell me the part of what you are that is most important, tell me now my precious. And as each girl giggled a little from the tea, they thought extra hard about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Jessica said "I want to be a princess!" and snatch! grab! Into the witches bag the wish went! Krista said "I want to be Big and Bold!" and swoosh, catch! The Witch sucked the color from between the cracks of her childhood, and Krista became a real model.

Remember when I asked where Alex had gone? Well it turns out she went into the corner to cut herself and write poems. When the Witch came to her, it was all she could do to stomach the girl's poisoned aura, and out of pity she cast a merciful spell "You are a bird. You are about to take off." Alex's eyes stared into the void of the wall mirror.

Groggy and slurry from their adventures in the guidance counselor's weekend camp, the girls were taken to a Drag Bar, and forced like drunk cheerleaders to dance on the tables for the suspiciously straight looking patrons. Krista reveled in her new found soullessness, thanked the devil for his contract, and went for the Disco Mannequin Pose. She brought down the house, and behind their cheering she thought "Now I know."

The next day, the girls are late they're late for a very important date. Alasia becomes lost in the clouds of her Afro, as she is wont to do when the mirror speaks to her, and misses going down with the rest of the girls to the limo. She decides to beat the crap out of a perfectly innocent elevator for ten minutes. Why, Alasia? Why couldn't you have just taken the stairs? Why did you have to paw in futile rage at a metal door before you even though to look for the stairs? Doors have feelings too, and you hurt them. Hint: take the stairs from now on.

They travel in relative silence to the photo shoot, where the theme is Dr. Seuss characters.



Heckling ensues, encouraged by two weird guys who do weaves for a living. Krista tries to channel a Black Power Cat In the Hat. Angelea is told to pretend she is a pole dancer for cavemen. Raina brings brings a quiet dignity to Who everywhere.

Whatever. The big news here is that Anslee, the Squirrel Mama from Hell, has finally been sent home. Also Tyra invented a new name for New Zealand "The N.Z.! Holla!" And next week we will all be treated to way too much footage of Krista and Angelea screeching like crows in first class for a 22 hour flight, while every other passenger desperately tries to open the emergency hatches and make a leap for it.

ANTM Cycle 14: Oh, the Humanity!

War sucks. Violence of any kind between any creatures sucks. No matter how holy or justified or necessary you feel it is, it always fucking sucks.

So, you know, welcome to the War episode. Every season of Top Model has that one episode where the editors decide to draw the battle lines clear, to recognize the two cliques that have eventually and inevitably formed in the House of Tyra. One could almost compare this episode with a holiday tradition, where certain rituals are observed to mark an historic victory, or loss. We watch passively, with some sentimentality for the likes of Jade, and then we eat dinner and go back to work.

On the "For Real" side we have General Angelea, flanked by her cabinet, Krista, Alasia, and Anslee. Wait, what? What the fuck is Anslee doing there? Like many legendary leadership groups, this one was forged out of the heat of battle. These four girls fought, bit, scratched, rattled, screamed at each other for a few weeks, and then became close friends when they realized Raina is probably going to win. It's kind of like how I hoped my cats would act when I got them. Hate each other at first, and then bond over the defense of their illogical hatred to any onlookers.

On the "Oh my god What" team, we have Raina, Jessica, and Super Mom. They talk a bunch of trash to each other in the guise of grief counseling, and then act like they don't. In other words, they are the girls you hated in high school but who you now watch on Glee.

In the beginning, there was darkness, and then Tyra looked upon the dry and barren earth and found it was wanting. She reached into the darkness and pulled out from nothingness an apple. She cut the apple in twain, making two parts out of one, and thus were born Malibou Barbie and Marietta Barbie. First of all, Jessica is from Arkansas. Why wouldn't you make her Arkansas Barbie? Malibou Barbie is classic barbie, you can't beat her. Jessica is not that pretty and not that rich. And second, Ms. Marietta, I don't believe your shit about everyone in Marietta knowing each other. There are 58,000 people in that suburb. Maybe the first thing you have to do to FIX YOURSELF is figure out that you don't know everyone worth knowing. You are not even old to drink.

I know, I'm jumping ahead here, but it bugged me. I'm willing to give it to her because of the whole 18 thing though, and she's obviously terrified. Maybe she'll go to Paris and be sufficiently shocked into social decency.

So there's this stupid teach where some stupid Bryn Mawr android who now works for a magazine no one buys recites the last seventy covers of Seventeen, and the girls pretend to dress according to their body shape. Raina gets the short end of the stick by being told she has to wear ruffles, and gets to keep this incredibly ugly yellow blouse she threw on, which she then wears for the rest of the episode because she is trying to get a job out of this.

Jessica wins and there's the requisite Seventeen random photo shoot that never looks like it has a theme at all because that magazine is the doctors office equivalent of a GAP catalog.

The limo ride home from that one is like the best endorsement for public transportation ever.
Angelea actually says at one point "I'm smart. People would not believe that about me because of the way I am."

I swear to god, sometimes I think this show is going to be the thing we are all remembered for.

Next is the challenge where the girls have to dress up like virgins and interview with the Demon Tinsley, in the bowels of Meat Packing District Hell. A few of them drink too much and Angelea is of course the douchebag that makes the "sex on the beach" joke, and Tinsley opens her bionic jaws wide and swallows her whole. But then chokes on her weave and spits up. The wait staff at whatever den of inequity they were sashaying around all tweet furiously, ironic beautiful 140 lines of pure poetry. Then they smoke a lot of weed and try to avoid sleeping with Jessica. Later Jay Manuel says to Jessica, thoughtfully, "You're absorbing like a sponge. It's interesting."

Back at the house, Raina goes into the Suprisingly Not SoundProofed At All Confessional, and Alasia eavesdrops and then Raina eavesdrops, and here's my question. WHERE IS ALEX? Did she get special compensation to live in another apartment, because I swear she disappears the moment they get back to the house. GOOD FOR HER.

Finally, there's the photo shoot. They made us wait for it this episode, didn't they? Nicole finally shows up, dolled up all glamour shots. It's like the CoverGirl brainwashing just wouldn't take with her, and they had to keep her away until they were sure the neural pathways were intact, and she wouldn't randomly slip in some crazy communist hippie east coast talk. Angelea tries to suck up to her, and ask her about dealing with house drama. Nicole looks very confused and says "um, stay away from it", and flinches away from Angelea's teeth. Her eyes dart to and fro as her weakened mind tries to piece together shreds of advice from between the virtual CoverGirl manual they uploaded between her ears. Finally, she gathers up her strength and whispers doubtfully "stay classy". Stay Classy Nicole. Fight the Nightmare honey.

There is judging. For once, Alasia's picture does not win a James Beard award, or even honorary mention. No, now Ursula the Male Sea Witch has decided to bestow all his blessings on Angelea, whose picture screams humanity to him! Sweet human flesh, ripe with indignation, rage, and corn syrup! His inhuman wails are no longer quieted by your soft curves dear Alasia, and so there goes your society introduction, your trip to Los Angeles, your first husband. You see it all flash gem-like before your eyes, and then slip away in the bleached out yellow slipstream that is Angelea's plastic hair. You choke on your tears, the canvas of your future wrapping around you, suffocating you, as you stand defeated in the bottom two. But no worries, the great Tyraberry believes in you. You live to pose another day, and now Angelea's fate is sealed, because I still like you better than her. With me supporting you, her reign of insane victimhood will be short and abrupt.

The war is over. Brenda lost. But now the carpetbagging begins in earnest.

ANTM Cycle 14: I swear to god, I hope vampires are real out of spite

photo courtesy of Fanpop. And whoever they took it from.

Alright my little moon disco Macintoshes, let's talk about how much better the Kanye Pandora channel is than the Lady Gaga channel. I'm just saying. One gives me Mos Def, the other gives me T.A.T.U. Followed by Nelly Furtado. Oh Pandora, you are a fickle lover.

Now let's talk about vampires. Cause that was the theme for this week's ANTM, that and CoverGirl screwing people (see NICOLE FOX) over. Seriously, what's up with this Dania person? Her pants are two sizes too small for her. Probably cause she's not a petite model. Do you know what she was on Heroes? She was crazy "oil oozes out from eyes and kills all of you" girl. NOT SEXY. Where is Nicole?

Okay, back to vampires. You know what I think of when I think "vampires"? Hair identity issues. No, it's true. Pattison and his amazing engineered hair of steel have permanently linked the two in my head, which is why this week's focus on Brenda and her hair of suck (see, pun) was totally appropriate. Brenda was freaking out. I mean, in general. But then Tyra saw she was "not working the edge" and decided to just make the girl cry and shave the sides of her head into this rag doll of a faux hawk mullet. Which incredibly, Brenda still managed to make look soccer mommy. It's like, her super power.

You know what else I think of with vampires? Mommy issues. As in, no mother should be allowed on ANTM ever again. I am sick of it. I am sick of the manufactured child pity monologues, but mostly I am sick of the constant superiority complex they lord over everyone else in the house. "I had to grow up really fast cause I got knocked up, so even though I'm on a CW modeling competition and only 2 years older than you, I'm going to treat you like a child." If being a mommy is so important to you? GO GET A JOB THAT INCLUDES A BENEFITS PACKAGE AND WON'T INVOLVE YOU NEVER BEING HOME. I want to bitch slap this Anslee thing.

In her defense though, Alize totally shouldn't have gone to the dark place with that whole bad mother thing. I would have probably lunged across the counter and throttled her. However, the dark place is where Alize lives, and the dark place is full of water, because Alize will never take off her silver bathing suit. The girls had to do some stupid activity where they learned to emote from the Upright Citizens Brigade (what?) and when Alize fell over? SHE WAS TOTALLY WEARING THE SUIT UNDER HER SWEATER.

I have a terrible theory that maybe she couldn't afford to buy nice underwear before coming on the show? Or she's a Never Nude?

So the producers did the next logical thing and totally took all the lines out of the Cover Girl commercials. As in, just stand there and pose dahlings. Tatianna (Who? I know, right?) takes the cake by silently posing like a Ukrainian video girl. Good for her. I guess.

Back at the house, the Tyra Mail tells the girls they will be visiting the No Neck Monster for their photo shoot. Every girl in the house assumes this means snakes, because what else would any reasonable person assume? I certainly don't think of vampires. I mean, vampires have necks. That's how they became vampires. Jay shows up in his bestest Saturday night leather bathrobe. The girls have to put in whiteout contacts for the shoot, which leads to Brenda crying again and Anslee being all stupid superior again and me cutting my toenails. Then the girls have to climb into a tub of blood, because this is a True Blood photo shoot where everyone is wearing cutoffs in a claw foot bathtub. Everyone freaks about the blood, except Tats, who is all like "I'm not scared of blood, I work with dead bodies." Which would be impressive if it was real blood. Which it wasn't. Calm the fuck down.

So to sum up, they inexplicably frizz Raina's hair again. Simone and Anslee try out for the remake of Mannequin. Alize knows how to spread her legs. And Tyra is going to wear a new and ugly in a different way jumpsuit every episode. Beauty Queen gets kicked off, which is totally unfair, but whatever, she's professional and nice about it. I bet she's sad she can't mention she goes to Duke every 12 seconds anymore in a national forum. And no one has killed that Talley thing yet, which I am really disappointed in. I refuse to adopt dreckitude as a thing. Tyra has started imitating his cadence, which is almost completely unbearable. Doesn't he have a vacation house in Thailand to retire to? He and Dania should go there and farm pepper. Maybe then they would get some idea of what hot actually means.

I know, that last one didn't go anywhere. Oh well. Jumpsuits!